Relationship health
Love Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be
If you are disenchanted by love, there are reasons, and they might not be what you think
Why is it so many of us feel let down by love? Our relationships start off sound. But then they flag. We meet with disappointment because our partners don’t act like we imagine they should.
It’s then we recognize love’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
If you are disenchanted by love, there are reasons, and they might not be what you think. No doubt, if things aren’t working out as planned and you believe you do your best to make the relationship work, you can’t help but lay the blame at your partner’s door.
After all, it’s your partner who doesn’t give you the attention you crave, or treat you as you think they should. You are misunderstood, neglected, or frustrated.
Still, you aren’t exactly hard done by in a tangible way. You can’t put your finger on the pulse of what’s wrong. All you know is, you thought you’d be loved more, and you’ve been let down by love.
If the scenario fits, you’re experiencing the rock bottom truth about relationships:
They’re not always easy.
We’re led to believe we’ll meet the love of our lives and they will fit us like a glove. They will understand us and cherish us and make us feel special. They certainly won’t let us down, forget our anniversary, or ignore us when we need TLC.
What’s more, they’ll know exactly what we need when we need it. So, we won’t have to ask for what we crave.
Why we have the wrong idea about relationships
1• Childhood sets up unrealistic expectations
With a little luck, you had a (mostly) positive childhood. And if so, your parents did whatever needed to be done to keep you well. They met your needs for nourishment, shelter, and cuddles. They made the required effort to make sure you thrived.
Fast forward to adulthood and, well, things have changed. Adult relationships are completely different ball games. As a child, you were supplied with love on demand. Now, it feels as though you must work for love, and you aren’t sure that’s the way it should be.
Of course, you expect to do your bit. But surely your partner ought to ensure you’re safe and happy without needing to be asked? If you’ve had a bad day, they should soothe you and give you a shoulder rub. They should sit and listen to your frustrations and be kind. And they should know how you feel and what you need.
At least, that’s what we expect.
2• We believe a partner will make us whole
We are told that somewhere out there, is our other half. The better part of us. The one who will prop us up and love us unconditionally. And when we find them, we’ll be happy. Joy will be ours as we skip through the daffodils, barefoot and laughing.
No wonder we’re disappointed.
At first, most relationships resemble what we truly believe a terrific coupling is, and then the sky falls in. We get comfortable with each other, and in our comfort we relax. We feel secure enough to be our real selves and stop fluttering around our beloved, attempting to flatter and impress.
The worst thing is, they do the same.
We feel abandoned and grieve for the love we think has gone missing. But it’s still there. It’s just transformed into something more solid, and hopefully more forgiving.
It’s a less attentive kind of love, though.
And we prefer the old version in which we are lovingly administered to and adored.
3• Our template for love is askew
Our combined ideas about love — from childhood and the notion of soulmates — leaves us with an unforgiving template of romance. We know our other relationships (with our parents, siblings, colleagues, and friends) are works in progress. We understand they are sometimes hard work. But that’s okay.
When it comes to our partners though, we expect something superior. After all, they are supposed to make us whole and fulfill our wishes.
4• We focus on getting, not giving
It’s not that we don’t give. We do. We carry out all kinds of maintenance chores. And so do our partners. Only problem is, they miss too many to list. We are certain we do the majority of love maintenance while they get off lightly, which means they don’t love us as much as we love them. They are lucky, but we aren’t.
Sound familiar?
The truth be known, everyone, even our partners, imagine they are up-to-scratch when it comes to giving. We know what we do to keep our relationship sweet, yet don’t always recognize what our partners do.
Indeed, we focus on what they don’t do for us, or what they do that upsets us, far more than we concentrate on whether we meet their needs that aren’t obvious to us.
How to make love work
•To make love work, and be less disenchanted, we must realize the childhood view of how we think we should be loved isn’t appropriate anymore. We are sophisticated, complicated adults and our needs are no longer straightforward or basic.
•It’s helpful to remember our partners are not mind readers. We need to tell them what’s on our minds and give them a gentle nudge if they don’t see what we require.
•We must recognize relationships go through stages too. The first part is when we’re awestruck and full of passion hormones. The next occurs when we get comfortable, and this signals the potential for love to deepen.
•Rather than flee, our eyes stinging with disappointment, we can embrace this new phase and get down to the task of compromising and being mindful.
•And we can bear in mind our partners aren’t there to prop us up: They are there to share our journey, walking by our sides as we learn to become whole and autonomous. They can’t do that for us.
•Lastly, we can recognize our partners are disenchanted too. We miss many of their needs because they aren’t obvious to us. As such, it helps to ask what we can do to help them, and to listen without getting offended.
Love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be: it’s different, and in some ways better. It won’t treat you like a helpless baby who requires spoon-feeding or hold you up as though you aren’t a whole person alone. It will help you learn and grow into your best self (if you let it) though.
Copyright © 2020 Bridget Webber. All rights reserved