Weekend Prompt: Setting the Table for Pure & Committed Love
Love is The Work We Do
Love is not a static fairy tale, it is what we do each day
When I was small, I imagined that love would be like a fairy tale. I associated “love” with flawless princesses swept off their feet by the brave and handsome prince. Destiny fulfilled, perfect, pure love pervading their world, they are whole.
When I entered my teenage years, the idea of love became the desire to be accepted. I spent a lot of time hoping that my shy, weird, spazzy self would be discovered by the one person on Earth that would “get me” and suddenly all my character flaws that made it hard for me to interact with my peers would be ok. None of my perceived issues would matter because I would have the love of someone that accepted me no matter what, and the intensity of that would cauterize the pain I held inside. I was a really angsty teenager who watched too many angsty teen movies.
When I reached adulthood, I may have been less angsty, but I was still looking for acceptance. Love became something ugly, something I had to mould myself into his ideal to be deserving of. Something I had to put up with whatever he did to earn. It became long sleeves to hide the bruises and the conviction that I could fix him.
When I became free, I eventually found someone who would teach me that I did deserve love, no matter what. Someone that accepted my spazzy, strange self and never asked me to change. I learned to love myself and when the time came to move on, we were both better for having loved and being loved.
When I finally found the love I had imagined when I was small, I was ready. I had been broken, I had learned what love was not, and learned that I must first love who I was or at least who I was working to become. Yet, this love was not the love of fairy tales. It wasn’t one big moment of being swept off my feet into a constant, easy life bathed in the affection of my partner. I had found the pure wellspring of love but discovered that it needed work to keep flowing.
Today my husband took the kids for a walk. He knew I was feeling burnt out and that I need time by myself to recharge. I took that time because I knew I needed it. I got an hour to myself and it was glorious. He got an hour-long lecture on the politics of the grade school playground and Minecraft. When he came back, he was worn out and I felt so loved and grateful.
Today my willful eight-year-old screamed at me, more than once. She wanted attention and felt jealous of her baby sister. I sent her to her room in frustration. After we had both cooled off, we baked a cake and talked about better ways to ask for what we need. It isn’t the first or last time for this conversation, but we will keep working on it. We enjoyed the love we share for baking and left behind the upset of earlier.
Today I let my husband skip the bedtime routine. He usually is the one that gets the baby to settle for bedtime, while I wrangle the older kiddo. But today she was cranky and overtired and he was exhausted. The older kid had been fighting with him over every little thing and the baby wanted him to hold her all day. I could see the relief on his face when I insisted on finishing bedtime for both kids. He took the time because he knew he needed it. We both try to give each other alone time on the weekends to recharge.
Today the baby was very needy. She was unsatisfied with being put down on the playmat or in her swing. She didn’t want me, and would not tolerate her sister. She only wanted to be walked in the stroller or held by daddy. She consumed his attention and most of his day. He held her even when he would normally have time to himself. She was only happy clinging to his shirt and watching him with her dark eyes. When night time came, she couldn’t contain her grumpiness, even for daddy. I let her scream at me and beat me with her tiny fists as she fought bedtime. When she finally gave in, she cuddled into my chest in a gesture that means she feels safe and comforted.
Today I video-called my parents and grandparents. It was a call that took some orchestrating to do, we had to get a link set up ahead of time and juggle a six-hour time difference. I knew the kiddos were already grumpy and that they would both get overstimulated from the call. I knew they would lash out later, but it was worth it. The older one loves seeing her grandparents and great-grandparents and my 90-year-old grandpa always marvels at the ability to see his great-grandchildren even though they are half a world away.
Today my mom told us how grateful she is that our family, scattered all over the globe, makes time to connect with each other. Even more that we want to connect with each other. There are families out there that don’t, won’t, or can’t keep in touch, and I am glad that our family has the ability and is willing to make that effort.
Today, like most days, the four of us sat around the table to eat dinner together. We fed the baby bananas, which ended up more on her than in her. I made one of my older kiddo’s favourite meals, and we had cake. The day might have thrown a lot at us, but we made sure to take the time to come to the table. In our house, sitting down together at the end of the day is important. Connecting and caring for each other, no matter how much we clashed or how much we did or didn’t do that day is important.
I have learned that love isn’t static. It isn’t a thing or a moment, it’s a commitment to working every day to make sure those you care about feel loved. It is putting in time and effort to each other’s physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing and saying:
“I will always be there for you.”
Love is the work we do each day for those who are most important to us.
Thanks to 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊. for the wonderful prompt that inspired this piece.