Summary

The article discusses the misconception that love is the sole foundation for a happy marriage, emphasizing that practical factors like flexibility, patience, boundaries, humor, and respect are crucial for a marriage to succeed, especially in the face of challenges such as chronic illness.

Abstract

The author of the article challenges the romanticized notion that love alone can sustain a happy marriage. Drawing from personal experience, including two marriages, the author explains that while love is a wonderful feeling, it is not enough to overcome the complexities of a long-term partnership. The article highlights the importance of adaptability, illustrated by the author's shift in expectations and activities following her second husband's diagnosis with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. It underscores the necessity of patience in dealing with the physical limitations imposed by the disease, the establishment of personal boundaries to prevent resentment, the role of humor in maintaining a positive outlook, and the foundational aspect of mutual respect. The author asserts that these practical elements, combined with a commitment to the marriage, are what truly enable a couple to navigate the hardships that may arise.

Opinions

Love is insufficient for a successful marriage; practical strategies are essential.
Pre-marital issues do not magically disappear after marriage and can even intensify.
It is unrealistic to expect to change a partner's fundamental nature after marriage.
The author believes in the power of love but acknowledges its limitations in the face of life's challenges.
The decision to make a marriage work, even under difficult circumstances, is a choice that requires more than just love.
The author values her independence and professional goals, maintaining them even as her husband's abilities change.
Respect is identified as the most critical factor in their marriage, allowing them to accept and complement each other's differences.
The author does not view her husband's condition as a personal upset but rather as an aspect of her husband that she accepts and loves.

Love Is Not the Secret to a Happy Marriage

Here’s what will actually make it work

All of us have been duped. We grew up on love songs, fairy tales, and Lifetime movies that told us that “Love conquers all.”

It’s B.S.

Don’t get me wrong. Love is fantastic. It’s a high that I wish could last forever — better than any drug you could take. But that’s the point. Love, that kind of euphoric high love, doesn’t last forever.

With my first marriage, I was in love, but it was never that euphoric love. In my 20’s I was very goal-oriented and he, as one of my friends said, checked off all the boxes. So, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was being realistic and practical. I loved him but I wasn’t blinded by love. I mistakenly thought that the calm feeling I had as I waited to walk down the aisle meant that this was the right thing to do. The problem was I had ignored all the red flags while we were dating (Tip — if you’re going for couples counseling even before you’re married there might be a problem.)

What I hadn’t factored in was that the problems we had before we got married wouldn’t magically go away afterwards.

If anything, they get worse. Ladies, please don’t think that you can change him once you’re married! You can’t. Who he presents himself as when you’re dating is exactly who he is and will remain throughout your marriage.

While I will never regret my first marriage since it gave me my four incredible children, our relationship was toxic.

So, when I met my second husband, and I did feel the euphoric love I thought “this is it — this is how it’s supposed to be when you get married.” Yes, I was older. I was a mom of four, a mom who had experienced the death of one of her children, a woman who had built two successful businesses and lived through tons of life experiences.

I was cynical, but I still believed in the power of love.

A mere four weeks after we were married however, the power of love started getting tested.

That’s when my new husband was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. The disease raged through his body like a team of wild horses and within a very short time, my athletic husband went from walking to using a cane, to using a walker, and finally completely confined to a powerchair. He no longer could work because of neurological issues.

He was angry, despondent, and even suicidal.

Meanwhile, I still had three children to care for, continue running my business, and figure out how I was going to grow it so that I could afford to support him and pay for the medical bills.

Honestly, this wasn’t what I had signed on for. I wish I could say that euphoric love could overcome all of this, but it can’t, it simply isn’t enough.

Here’s what does make a marriage on the brink of disaster work; your decision to make it work.

I need to add a disclaimer here. I’m not saying that in every situation this is the right choice. If your marriage is abusive or not built on mutual respect then you shouldn’t stay together.

Our marriage was built on a foundation of love. My husband is one of the kindest men I’ve ever met, and I would not let him down or abandon him. Here is what makes it work:

- Flexibility. Our plans for the future had included travel, hikes, and other physical activities. That wasn’t going to be possible. We needed to find other activities that we could enjoy together. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t do things with girlfriends or on my own. I enjoy paddleboarding with one friend. I walk on the beach with another friend.

- Patience. There are times when he’s having a bad day physically. He can be exhausted and sleep all day. I need to help him get in and out of bed. Going places takes longer since he simply can’t hop out of the car. His powerchair is the driver’s seat and he uses hand controls. It takes time for him to disengage his chair, for the ramp to come down so he can get out, and then close once again. I often have to take a few deep breaths and be OK with slowing down and planning accordingly.

- Boundaries. I have no intention of changing my professional goals or turning down invitations that I want to accept because he can’t necessarily accompany me. That would leave me resentful, and I refuse to go down that path. My husband understands that I travel for business and I’m on the road in the winter supporting my daughter in her All-Star Cheer life. When I can, I Facetime him so he can be a part of important events and when he can join me he does, but he understands and supports my choices.

- Humor. You just have to find things to laugh about. When he was first diagnosed there were a lot of frightening episodes where he would be trapped in a bathroom or there would be a malfunction with his powerchair. I’ve had to call 911 more than once and have EMTs rescue him from a bathroom or even a muddy park where his powerchair has gotten stuck. Yes, it’s upsetting but now we can also find the humor in it. I roll my eyes at his stupid dad jokes and as a family, we spend a lot of time laughing.

- Respect. This is really the key to it all. Respect for each other’s beliefs, irrational fears, and views of the world. He is way more of a glass-half-empty person than I am but he’s also calmer than me in dealing with a crisis. It’s a corny line, but we really do complete each other.

He’s often asked me if his condition upsets me. I honestly don’t see a man in a powerchair. I see my loving, kind husband who happens to always be seated.

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