Love Is Just Love, Right? Of Course, It Is More Complicated Than That

KTHT Monday Prompt- What are the conditions of unconditional love?

What is Love?

Love. Just like anything else —the more you examine it —the more ways there are to see it!

I had only known what I would call regular love, self-love, unconditional love, and agape (an unconditional universal love). I wondered how well I understood those four types. How are they different? How are they the same?

I found out my understanding was lacking. Regular love might not actually be a real category or label and unconditional love incorporates or is incorporated into several other types of love. And, it turns out there are seven types of love by professionals standards.

Starting With My Misunderstanding of Unconditional Love

I have strongly misunderstood unconditional love. So much so that I removed the “until death do us part” phrase out of my wedding vows. Honestly, I was thinking, “until you do me wrong”.

I had no reason to believe that my husband would “do me wrong.” I didn’t think that we would get divorced or I wouldn’t have gotten married. But, I also had no reason to believe that I was special or better than the other 50–60% of people that were ending their marriages in divorce. I doubt they planned on getting divorce either. I had to know it was at least a possibility. So no…until death do us part for me! Seemed like starting with what may be considered a lie.

I thought that phrase was synonymous with unconditional love. I thought it was an absurd thought! I found it even more absurd that I was the only one thinking this way. What made anyone think there was any truth to the idea of unconditional? The problem was my misunderstanding.

I have since discovered that unconditional love is a thing…just not the thing I thought it was. I thought it meant no matter what I will continue to love and continue to stay in a relationship. I am glad to know that what it really means is that the love doesn’t stop because of circumstances and there is nothing expected in return. No conditions. I am also relieved to understand that it doesn’t mean —anything goes.

There’s an important distinction between offering love and forgiveness and continuing to accept harmful actions. It’s also important to understand you can love someone unconditionally without staying with them unconditionally. — Alex Klein, PsyD and Crystal Raypole

Beginning of My Understanding of Unconditional Love

I saw the beginnings of unconditional love with my husband when we were engaged. We were having a disagreement, which to me meant that we were probably not getting married. I was not yet understanding that people disagreed and even argued and then still worked things out. But, in the midst of not really being on speaking terms at the moment, he saw me struggling to open my airplane peanuts. He reached over and opened them for me. It took me by surprise. We were mad at each other. He still wanted to help me. He still cared.

I hadn’t considered that before. I didn’t fully understand it. I know this wasn’t full blown unconditional love in that moment but, now looking back, it was enough to get me moving in the direction of understanding it. We did get married. That was over twenty years ago. I have learned a lot about love since then. But, I still didn’t know that there were so many different types of love.

Other Misunderstandings

I knew about self-love. I didn’t practice it well. I also didn’t know it had a more official name — Philautia. That is the name unless you think too highly of yourself at an unhealthy level then it is called hubris.

I realized that what I thought was unconditional love for my son actually ate into my own self-love and I forgot all about myself. Love, like everything else in life has to be in balance to be healthy.

Storge (pronounced Store-jay) is actually the name of the love between parents and their children. This is also an unconditional love.

Agape Love

This I learned about from listening to a church sermon. My source was correct, it is an unconditional love for all. This is love for everyone and everything without conditions. This is the type of love the world is desperately in need of these days. This is the type of love where everyone works together for the good of everyone. It breaks through biases and greatly benefits the givers and the receivers physically and mentally.

The Other Four Types of Love

The other four types of love fill in the gaps in my understandings and help it all make even more sense. Here is an excerpt of Dr. Neil Burtons explanations:

Romantic love is Eros. This includes passionate and sexual love.

Ludus is uncommitted and playful love with no strings attached.

Philia is friendship and shared goodwill.

Pragma is practical love that serves a purpose, used in “making it work” relationships.

Relationships often incorporate several different types of love. It is not one size fits all! There are levels to love.

Final Thoughts

I have been married eighteen years and I would say I have unconditional love but I would still probably leave out the until death do us part — that just seems a little fraudulent in my mind. There are conditions to marriage no matter what type of love or how much of it there is. Love languages has been an interesting study of mine that has helped to strengthen my marriage…but we will leave that for another day!

Thanks for reading! I hope you find all of the love that you need and give others as much love as you can!

Thanks, 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊. for the prompt: Monday- What are the conditions for unconditional love?