Love is Delicious But For an Empath, it Becomes a Poison
When to stay and when to walk away
Love can be a feast for the soul, but for those of us who are empaths or INFJs, it can quickly turn into a toxic brew. I’ve been in relationships that felt like emotional black holes, always sucking but never giving. Both of my exes were narcissists, and let me tell you, the experience was draining. I was always putting their needs above mine, thinking that was the way to love.
But all I got in return was emotional exhaustion and a heart full of regret.
Sometimes, the allure of a toxic relationship can be strangely addictive, like a delicious poison you can’t help but taste.
So, what’s the golden rule when it comes to relationships?
If you’re a giver, find another giver
Being a generous soul, you probably find it second nature to give your all in relationships. You’re the go-to person for support and a listening ear. But I realized that you have to pair up with someone who’s also generous.
Trust me! Having been down the road of being with a self-centered person, it’s draining. You’ll end up emotionally spent, wondering where all your efforts went. But when you’re with someone who also gives, it’s a balanced exchange of love and care. It’s as straightforward and wonderful as that.
What to do:
- Spot the early indicators: If they’re self-absorbed from the start, take note.
- Draw the line: Make your expectations clear from the beginning. A generous person will honor them.
- Watch what they do: Actions speak louder than words. Are they reciprocating your efforts?
- Get a second opinion: Love can cloud judgment. Consult trusted friends for an unbiased view.
- Don’t hurry: Take it slow to see if they’re consistently generous
Avoid sacrificing yourself in the name of love
One major takeaway from my previous love affairs is that the needs of your significant other are equally and definitely important as yours. It might sound like a no-brainer, but if you’re a sensitive soul like me, it’s all too easy to get swept up in your partner’s feelings and issues.
You might start to feel like their well-being is solely your job, and suddenly, you’re sidelining your own needs. But let me clarify something, love is a give-and-take game. If you’re constantly pouring out and not getting anything in return, you’re on a fast track to emotional exhaustion and heartache.
What to do:
1. Speak up: Share your emotions and what you need. Don’t just assume your partner can read your mind. 2. Draw the line: Saying no is perfectly fine. Ensure you’re not stretching yourself too thin, emotionally or physically.
3. Me time: Prioritize your own well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and emotionally refuel you.
4. Be frank: If something’s gnawing at you, let it out. Transparency is key for a thriving relationship.
5. Aim for balance: Both parties should be putting in the effort, whether it’s emotional backing, household tasks, or making choices.
Some people come into your life just to show you deserve better
Some people come into your life just to show you that you deserve better. It’s hard to accept, but it’s true. Remember those narcissists I mentioned earlier?
They were my life’s harshest teachers, but they taught me invaluable lessons. I used to think that if I just gave more, loved more, and put their needs above mine, things would work out. But all that did was leave me empty and broken.
These relationships were like a mirror, reflecting back to me that I needed to value myself more. I needed to understand that love shouldn’t be a one-way street where I’m the only one making sacrifices.
What to do:
- Learn from your past relationships.
- Use these lessons to make better choices in the future.
Relationships require more than just love
You’ve probably heard people say that love is the bedrock of a solid relationship. While that’s not wrong, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Consider love as the initial spark, the kernel that can grow into something beautiful. However, just like a plant requires water, sunshine, and fertile soil to thrive, a relationship needs more than just love to truly flourish. You can’t just sow the seed and walk away, hoping it’ll magically turn into a gorgeous bloom.
What to do:
- Evaluate your relationship on multiple dimensions, not just love.
- Make sure you share core values and life goals.
The Right Person Will Show You That You Weren’t Even Asking for Too Much
In my past relationships, I often felt like my expectations were too high. But the right person will meet those expectations without making you feel needy.
What to do:
1. Don’t lower your standards
Just because it could have been different doesn’t mean it would have worked out
Understanding that a relationship might have been different but still wouldn’t have worked is a tough realization. Believe me, I’ve been down that road, rehashing moments and wondering if different actions would’ve led to a happier ending. But relationship is a two-player game. You can’t change someone who’s not open to change themselves.
If you’re an empath, you might get caught up in the “could’ve beens,” thinking your love could turn a bad relationship good. But sometimes you have to face the fact that not everything can be fixed with a little extra effort.
What to do:
1. Don’t dwell on what-ifs.
When it starts to feel one-sided, that’s your sign to go
When you start feeling like you’re the only one putting in effort in your love life, it’s a red flag. Trust me, I’ve been in that spot, endlessly giving in relationships that just sucked the life out of me.
I felt like a mere extra in someone else’s life story. If you’re sensitive to others’ feelings like I am, setting limits is tough. But listen, love should be a mutual exchange. If it’s not, consider it a warning.
What to do:
- Pause: Take some time away from your partner to reflect on your needs and desires. 2. Open up: Share your feelings with your significant other. If they truly care, they’ll pay attention. 3. Draw the line: Clearly state your deal-breakers. A respectful partner will honor them. 4. Get outtside opinions: When you’re too close to the issue, it’s hard to be objective. Consult people you trust. 5. Choose your path: After considering everything, make your choice. Stick around and mend things, or take your leave?
Lastly, If it drains you, it’s not for you
If a relationship is draining you, it’s not the right one. Period.
What to do:
- Evaluate how the relationship impacts your energy and well-being.
- If it’s negative, take steps to exit the relationship.
Final thoughts
The golden rule of relationships is balance. It’s about finding someone who complements you, not someone who exploits your kindness. Learn from my experiences and don’t settle for less than you deserve. Because at the end of the day, the most important relationship you have is with yourself. And that’s a relationship where you should always come first.
Bella loves to write about life, psychology, and relationships. Click here to receive an email that guarantees you’ll get Bella’s newest stories delivered straight to your inbox.
