Love Is A Choice — Here’s How To Know It’s Real

We don’t “fall” in love, we build it.

Here’s the truth about love: It’s something that two people choose to come together and build between them. It’s not some magical and mystical cloud that descends upon chosen couples while they’re strolling in the park, fusing them together forever — though, that would be nice.

I think that a lot of people, though, are waiting for that divine moment when they know for sure that this is the feeling they’ve been waiting their entire life for…

And, yes, much of love is rooted in those strong emotions, bonds, and connections we feel with another person. That is the very essence of love itself, how it feels to us.

But, feelings are the result of actions, and can quickly fade over time if those actions are not present.

I’m writing this article because of a recent conversation with a private client who’s working through the decision of whether or not he wants to build a life with the woman he is currently dating. Is it love? Is this the right decision? Is he ready for this level of commitment?

It really got me thinking — how do we define love and what it looks like? What actions represent it, and how it shows up in our life?

Below, I’ll discuss signs of real love and how, even if it doesn’t have the “spark” or excitement that we might be looking for, it is a steady and calm presence in our relationship nonetheless.

1: Real love wants to see YOU happy.

When we’re single, we largely live for ourselves. We do what we want, when we want, with whomever we want. That is the “freedom” of singledom, the person who’s happiness is our biggest priority, is your own (unless of course you have children, but let’s just assume totally single for now).

When you enter into a relationship, though, part of that commitment is prioritizing someone else’s happiness on the same level, if not even higher, than yours.

It obviously takes a certain level of emotional maturity and readiness in order to make this promise to another person, but it is a requirement when building real love alongside of them.

We can easily see why this being a shared and mutual agreement is paramount. If only one person prioritizes the other’s happiness at the same level of their own, the other will always feel excluded, overlooked, or left out.

The beauty happens when the feeling and the actions that reinforce it are shared, though. We both put in the genuine and consistent effort to make each other happy, we both consider each other’s feelings when making decisions, we both contribute the time, attention, and affection that love grows as a result of.

Love is far more selfless than it is selfish, and that can only be proven through actions, not just words.

2: Real love is consistent.

“Hot” and “cold” should only be settings on your faucet, not your relationship.

Love shows up for you, day after day, after day, after day…it’s not something that’s only there during the good times, or when the stars align, or when everyone is happy.

Love must be present at all times, at all stages of the relationship.

Some people feel as though the majority of effort needs to be given in the “honeymoon stage,” or the beginning phases of two people dating. Then, over time, it wanes as your commitment is understood and omnipresent.

I believe that just the opposite is true.

Love isn’t something that you can choose one time and expect it to last forever. Just like when you light a fire, you must continue to stoke and nurture it for as long as you want it to burn. If you turn around and leave the room for too long, it will inevitably extinguish.

Real love is there during the sunny days, and it also holds the umbrella over you during the stormy days.

It doesn’t disappear in your times of need — in fact, it shows up even stronger.

Real love doesn’t come back, real love doesn’t leave in the first place.

3: Real love is patient.

Everyone starts in different places, and moves at different paces.

We all have different life experiences and upbringings that shape our view of life and love — and sometimes, when we begin to merge our life with someone, we are reminded of these differences during the process.

Real love, though — love that wants to last forever, has no reason to rush. It’s best developed when it’s free to evolve at its own pace, and build naturally over time.

Someone who really loves you is never going to pressure you or force you into a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or rushed. Its intention is to create a safe and secure environment for both people to feel truly connected and present in, and it knows damn well that can never happen if one (or both) of you feels like you’re there before you’re ready to be.

4: Real love fixes what’s broken.

First, a disclaimer: Nobody should ever stay in a relationship where there is abuse, or betrayal, or cheating, or disrespect on any level in any context. In no way, shape, or form would I ever suggest that, and if anyone does you should write them off from your trusted resources immediately.

What I’m referring to here is the challenges, struggles, and speed bumps that all relationships experience over the course of their time, whether that be weeks or decades.

We’re living in an instant-gratification society that wants everything yesterday, and as a result, we’re looking for everything to just “work” for us. We don’t want to put in the time, or have the patience (ahem, point #3) to build something from the ground up. This, I believe, is a way of thinking that permeates many areas of life, be it career, relationships, or developing skills.

The truth is, though, that humans are flawed. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to misunderstand each other. We are going to say the wrong things at times.

And, the reflex today seems to be dismissing the person or relationship as a whole and walking away to find something that “feels right.”

Do you really think that relationships of the past that we romanticize were just…perfect? That they were free of struggle, or disagreements, or challenges?

The reality is that dedication and commitment were simply valued on a higher level and really meant something to both people involved. If we commit our lives to each other, we are committing to navigating the terrains of life and love together, not just jumping ship when the road gets rocky.

If a window breaks in your house, you don’t just sell the house. You fix the window, and even figure out ways to make it more resilient against damage the next time around.

5: Real love compromises.

Spoiler alert: You’re not always going to get everything you want in life.

I believe this also holds people back from finding a great partner — they’re looking for a perfect partner. And, as we all know, perfection just does not exist.

Now, this is rocky ground, because I am absolutely not saying you should compromise your standards, values, or boundaries for the sake of being in a relationship. Nobody should ever do any of that.

We may, though, have to compromise on the things that we want to have, or want to do, or time frame in which it happens.

Our priority shifts from “me” to “we,” which requires two people’s thoughts, feelings, and desires to be considered.

As a result, we need to find a middle ground between the two that we can both be happy with.

I understand that this is a taller order for some people than others, and if you’re simply unwilling to compromise in your life, perhaps a committed relationship isn’t something you’re ready for at this stage of the game. And, that’s okay! There is no rulebook that says you need to get into a relationship now, or hell, ever.

What is required, though, is to understand what a relationship requires in order to function in a healthy and secure manner. A big piece of that puzzle is both partners being willing to compromise for the other.

Notice that I didn’t use the word sacrifice, which I think many people feel is a synonym.

It’s not, and if you need further reasoning why — revisit point #1.

6: Real love is acceptance, not judgment.

Are you proud of every single thing you’ve ever done in your past? Do you like every single decision you’ve ever made? Are you confident and secure in every single little thing about yourself?

The answer, for most of us, is probably “eh, not really…”

And guess what? That’s okay! More than okay, good!

It’s good that we’ve all taken turns down the wrong road before, because that’s how we learn. It’s how we learn about the world, about other people, about relationships…and mostly, about ourselves.

The “mistakes” we’ve made in the past have taught us valuable lessons and helped to mold us into who we are today.

Naturally, then, when we meet someone new in adulthood, it stands to reason that they also have things in their past that they wish had gone a little differently.

They are, after all, human just like you.

Real love understands and accepts that. It doesn’t have to like every decision made by the other person, either — but it does have to accept them (not tolerate them) without judgment.

The moment you start judging another person is the moment you begin weakening the foundation that love must be built upon. You’ll start to lose trust, respect, and admiration for them — which starts to contaminate the soil that love is growing within.

7: Real love is rooted in trust.

Trust is one of the most important ingredients in the recipe of love. It helps to hold everything else together, as in its absence, it all falls apart.

You cannot respect someone unless you trust them.

You can’t commit yourself to them unless you trust them.

You can’t love them unless you trust them.

Trust falls under the category of pieces of love that must be earned and then maintained over time. It’s not just something that can be given to another person once and expected to last forever.

Every single day when we wake up and choose to love this person, and only them, we reinforce trust.

We reinforce it when we say what we mean, and mean what we say.

We reinforce it when we keep our promises.

We reinforce it when we stand by their side in times of need.

We reinforce trust when we give it in return.

Trust must be mutual, it must be earned, and it must be given space to grow and develop.

Also, importantly — trust is fragile. Just one betrayal of it can unravel years of the effort it took to build it. It is never something to be taken for granted or played with, but, when real love is present, taking it for granted isn’t even an option.

8: Real love disagrees in healthy and productive ways.

As we discussed in point #4, humans are flawed and are going to make mistakes.

We are going to disagree — maybe even argue.

What’s more important than whether or not this happens, though, is how it happens.

In emotionally healthy and mature relationships, one thing remains at the core of a disagreement:

It’s you and your partner against the problem, not you and your partner against each other.

When we remain focused on this, the conversation can lend itself to more logical, pragmatic, and rational foundations. Bigger problems arise when emotions get in the way, tempers flare, and we start digging up grievances from the past or using our partner’s insecurities against them (never, ever do this).

This is usually a sign of unspoken resentment, a maladjusted view of what disagreements represent, or even a fear of losing the other person.

None of which, though, should ever be expressed in harmful or violent ways — be it physically, emotionally, or mentally.

Real love doesn’t even consider acting in ways that would hurt the person on the other end of it.

9: Real love has FUN.

Let’s not forget that one of the best parts of a relationship is just letting go of everything and having some damn fun together.

There are enough parts of life that bring us stress, or struggle, or anxiety, or drama — a relationship shouldn’t be another one of them on the list.

Love is rooted in friendship, companionship, enjoying each other’s company, laughing together, adventuring, exploring…

What, pray tell, is the point of building a life alongside of someone whose company you don’t enjoy?

If you’re 30 years old today and you live to the age of 100, that is 25,550 days of your life that you could be sharing with your spouse or partner.

25,550 mornings waking up beside them.

25,550 evenings hearing about their day.

25,550 nights going to sleep next to them.

Tens of, if not hundreds of thousands of opportunities to have fun together in both big and small ways.

If you can’t do that on a regular basis, then what’s the point of being with them in the first place?

10: Real love is fiercely loyal.

Making a commitment to love another person for the rest of your life means that you’re on their team. Their side. You’ve got their back through thick and thin.

Now, again, let’s not forget the disclaimer about abuse and betrayal — those things void the contract of love. It also, by definition, wouldn’t make love mutual, because you never do those things to someone that you truly care about.

But healthy and mature love is loyal in all areas. It never considers straying, it never even thinks about sharing intimate words or actions with another person.

It is fully and completely dedicated to all of the promises it makes to its partner, without exception.

11: Real love is freeing, not restricting.

I believe that real and healthy love should expand your world, not shrink it.

It should encourage and support your growth — not stifle it.

It should give you the space to explore your passions, not hold you back from it.

It should leave room for you to grow, not keep you stuck in the same place.

It should help you feel free to express your truest self, feelings, emotions, and needs — never to feel shame or guilt about them.

12: Real love makes you feel safe.

Physically safe. Emotionally safe. Safe being your truest self. Safe by someone’s side. Safe, even, when they’re not around.

Safety takes precedence over most other things in the realm of love because the moment you begin feeling unsafe in any area, you’ll (rightfully) pull back from your partner and reassess what’s really going on there.

Real love never has that impact, but instead, holds you close and gives you a space where you feel cared for, and at home — no matter where you are.

13: Real love is RESPECT.

Respect in any type of relationship is non-negotiable, and particularly in an intimate one.

Respect on a human level is all-encompassing. Someone must respect your thoughts, your opinions, your viewpoints, your beliefs…

They also must respect your boundaries and standards, meaning that they never intentionally act in ways that they know you’re uncomfortable with, or that make you feel taken for granted, or taken advantage of. And, if they do so unintentionally, they do the work to fix it.

Respect, of course, must be mutual. You cannot love someone that you don’t respect, just as you can’t feel loved by someone who doesn’t respect you in return.

14: Real love starts from WITHIN.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times:

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be.

It won’t matter how much effort, affection, or love someone gives you if you’re not ready to receive it. Conversely, it won’t matter how much you give to them, if they’re not.

If we don’t recognize what love is, we won’t feel it when it arrives.

When we work to build it within ourselves, though, when we can mold ourselves into a puzzle piece that’s ready to receive love, we’ll become open to another person fitting into it.

If love can’t fully be felt on the inside, it won’t be able to be projected to the outside, either.

15: You CHOOSE each other every day.

As the title says…

My personal belief is that, at the end of the day, we must make the conscious and intentional decision to stay with our partner.

Every day when we wake up, we choose them. We choose to put in the effort, we choose to reject any and all other intimate options, we choose to live our life in accordance with the commitment we’ve made to them.

We choose to stay by their side during hard times, good times, and everything in between.

We choose to build a future with them, and to make decisions that our best for us as a couple.

We choose to give ourselves to them, to trust them, to open ourselves up to them…

And, also, we choose to receive them fully in return.

I believe that making this conscious choice to want someone is the most powerful one we can make. When we fully believe the person we’re with is the one that we want to spend the rest of our life with, we close ourselves off to any other options and live in a fully committed and dedicated mindset.

Being disloyal is a choice just, as staying loyal is.

So — when two people each make the choice to stay by each other’s side — through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do them part…what can get in the way of that?

The answer is simple:

Nothing.

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James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.