Love in the Shadows of Look-Alikes

The Comedy of Love

There is an episode from “Friends” (“The One with Russ”) that kept coming to mind a few days ago. In it, Rachel dates a new guy (Russ) who looks uncannily alike to the person she’s really in love with, Ross.

Now, if you’ve not seen Friends, the whole situation might seem a tad complicated. So, I will try to shed some light. All you need to know is that Ross and Rachel love each other and they are either a couple or breaking up or trying to get back together for the whole ten seasons of “Friends”. They have quite a history.

When Rachel introduces Russ to the group, a lot of hilarious discussions ensue. Everybody notices the resemblance, but the people in question. When they see Ross and Russ talking together, Rachel’s friends make fun of the situation in their typical way.

Here’s what Chandler says:

You know, this is actually good because if we ever lose Ross we have a spare.

And Monica:

See, they are as different as night and… later that night.

Every time I watched this episode in the past, I considered it to be a bit ridiculous. I found it far-fetched. That is until recently.

One of my mom’s colleagues, a lady in her early 30s (let’s call her Jane) broke up with her boyfriend quite a while ago. The two had had a fairly long relationship (more than 7 years), and he had invested a lot of money in renovating her house (in which they were living). They both imagined they would spend the rest of their lives together, so why would he not?

The two did not get back together even though everybody around them was expecting them to. She was the one vehemently refusing to change her mind.

Last week, after a long time of silence on the subject, she posted a picture of her with her new boyfriend on her social media account. He is, I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, almost identical to the old one. And when I say identical, I mean identical. Night… and later that night doesn’t even begin to cut it! One could easily say he’s the absolute doppelganger of the ex.

Their faces are so alike that a few acquaintances even thought this new guy was the old one and called my mom all jubilant to share the news. They were inevitably disappointed to find out that they got it all wrong.

This made me wonder if Jane was really over her ex. Rachel certainly wasn’t in the aforementioned episode. This is why her friends’ comments were hilarious. In Jane’s situation, it’s been more or less two years and she was the one to end the relationship with the guy. So, has she not moved on, or is the new boyfriend identical because she always goes for a certain type?

All this begs the question, does every one of us go for a certain type?

A friend of mine insists I do. She even sent me a short list of characteristics that all the people I dated had. A bit childish, having a certain type of innocence and her list went on and on. I know, these are not physical traits (like in Jane’s case), but I could add some of those myself. Blue-eyed, sweet-faced… I don’t even want to think about the rest.

Freud insisted girls tend to seek partners resembling their fathers, while boys are inclined to seek companions resembling their mothers. In all fairness, my sister-in-law does look a bit like my mom. And my dad… well, my dad (I’m sure you’ve guessed it) has blue eyes. Should I just rest my case now and get this over with?

My first boyfriend looked a bit like my father for sure. Did the next ones? I’d say they didn’t, but my friend would probably beg to differ if anyone were to ask her… God, I so hope that nobody would ever think of asking her.

I’m, of course, being flippant above and Freud was certainly not talking about physical traits only, but… Well, all these things do make me think of our blindspots. Is Jane just a special case or are we all obeying some slightly twisted unwritten psychological rules?

In “A Plea for Eros”, the brilliant American writer Siri Hustvedt explores what makes us fall in love with some persons and not with others.

A combination of biology, personal history, and a cultural miasma of ideas creates attraction. The fantasy lover is always hovering above or behind or in front of the real lover, and you need both of them.

I cannot help but wonder. Do we ever see the people we fall in love with for who they are, or are we all deluded to a certain extent? Aren’t we all somewhat tricked by this so-called fantasy lover? How much is real and how much projection?

Ancient Greeks invented myths to explain what they didn’t understand about love. Would these old stories still stand if we examine what modern humans are prone to when it comes to romantic choices? Or should we maybe think of new ones?

Should Eros still be roaming around throwing arrows? Wouldn’t he be better off as a Tinder CEO who designates employees to look for patterns and perfect love algorithms?

But maybe there’s just no need for anything like this after all. It seems we’re extremely good at making our natures manifest and we might not need any help with that from the gods.

If we all have our minds set on “fantasy Rosses” and they just so happen to be nowhere in sight, we’ll probably do everything in our power to find all their (more or less) identical copies out there so we can try our chances with them.