Love God. Love People. Serve One Another. But Don’t Be Yourself.

How my experience at a mega church led me to feel more uncertain about church in general

I have had some struggles with the Christian church I belong to. I am relieved that our faith doesn’t rest in our relationship to a church alone, but I am also disappointed that this particular church has left such a sour taste in my mouth. I suppose I should try to find another church community to belong to, but for now I am fairly content spending my Sunday mornings at home engaging in activities I love like yoga, meditation, cooking, and long walks.

I am going to call the church I was attending “Life Church” but that is not its actual name. The severing with Life has happened slowly over my entire ten year experience there.

Life Church’s mission statement is “Love God. Love People. Serve One Another.” In sermons, there was always a large focus on supporting your neighbors and showing up for those in need and loving one another in general at Life Church. These goals are essential to me as a human. I was so grateful I was a member of a community in which these practices were highlighted.

After attending Life for about five years, our son died. It was during the height of the Covid pandemic and I was hopeful for some support from our church community. I had heard of ill people having drive bys from friends or birthday parties happening from afar or meal deliveries placed on porches for various people in need. When our son died, we did not receive anything life this from Life.

The lack of community support felt very strange to me as I was member of a Moms’ group there and the women had seemed supportive throughout my entire pregnancy. I surely would have a meal train offered or a gift sent. Flowers delivered maybe? A visit from our Pastor would happen, right? That was a give in, no?

None of those things happened. My husband received a gift card from the Men’s group at church. I received a couple notes. Life Church has approximately 4000 attendants each weekend. People come from all over the state to attend. My husband taught multiple classes and was very well known by all of the elders and Pastors. In the face of a tragic death, we were left unsupported and alone.

How could that be?

We had a similar experience with Life when my husband tore his Achilles at a mens retreat with Life and no help was offered again. I suppose I could have asked but when one of the Pastor’s joked at church about how much I must be doing and poked fun at my husband for tearing his Achilles jumping, I felt like I needed to be handling things on my own. I had four living children — one a six month old baby — and I was left struggling with the loss of my partner’s mobility. My church community was no where to be seen.

Fast forward to about a year ago. I was running a class at Life for women who had lost children due to stillbirth, miscarriage, and infant death. I began experiencing the beginning stress of my nervous breakdown and decided to step down from the role. The “Groups Leader” was the man I shared this news with. His role was to support the groups at church as well as support their leaders. He was very kind and told me he would follow up with regular check-ins to see how I was as this was his role at the church.

I heard from him once via text and never again. When he would see me at church he seemed to walk the other way and the one time we were actually in the same room he rushed through a conversation with me and left. He did not ask me how I was doing. He did not even mention the conversation from the previous month where he offered his “ongoing support.”

This felt “off” to me…

About six months back I was in a very difficult situation with my husband where we had both just pushed the other so far away that the distance and pain were palpable. I went to Life church for support. I felt heard and seen as I was sharing about our relationship with the “Care Pastor.” There were some emotional issues with my husband — bordering on emotionally abusive — that I disclosed. Thankfully my husband and I are now in therapy and things have improved greatly. At the time I was ready to file for divorce because I was so depressed at how far off track our relationship had gone.

The Care Pastor who was very helpful at our first meeting then met with my husband and me. My husband has held various roles within the church. He also tithes ten percent of his paycheck. After this meeting, I shared I was filing for divorce. I received an email response from the same man who supported me when I initially went to him explaining that I had no Biblical grounds for divorce. He went on to further explain that if I were to file I would need to speak to the elders as my membership would need to be discussed and likely dismissed.

I have two daughters from a previous marriage. They do not attend Life Church because they aren’t really sure of their feelings on God in general at this point in their lives and I am okay with this. When I met with the Care Pastor I told him how my daughters were also feeling very emotionally isolated by my husband. He had no comment about that but did include my boys best interest in the conversation. My boys attend Life Church with my husband.

Wow. Okay. “Love God. Love People. Serve One Another.” Maybe I didn’t know how to love people? Or even how to love God? This pain was my “cross to bear?”

I never heard one word from the Care Pastor or his wife again. Not to check in with me and my family. Not to see how we all were doing. Nothing at all. I had left them in dire circumstances.

This all left me wondering if maybe I just expect too much from a church community? Maybe I just expect too much from people? It left me wondering about even being a member of a church community in general? I did still have regular interactions with a handful of people from Life via text or get togethers.

As I stopped attending services over the past few months and stopped seeing these people, I also stopped hearing from them. With each recent interaction, I responded (as all were text check ins) that I was no longer attending Life Church. Each of these people has ceased to communicate with me following my separation from Life Church.

I thought it was a funny coincidence at first. It isn’t. I have been dropped. I have been shunned. By a Christian Church.

Doesn’t this seem quite hypocritical? Love God. Love People. Serve One Another. do es this mission only apply if those people they are speaking of are the same as them? God wouldn’t want that, would He? Doesn’t God love everyone?

I don’t want one church experience to destroy my whole idea about who the church body is, yet it is difficult to wrap my mind around each of these situations and what the community is supposed to be representative of.

There were other things I learned about the Christian church that seemed “off” to me. I cannot practice yoga because it invokes evil spirits? I cannot meditate unless it’s in prayer because it is focusing too much on myself? I shouldn’t take medication because God heals all that ails me? My children cannot celebrate Halloween because it is representative of evil?

I love yoga. I enjoy meditating. Medication saved me from the darkest pit I have ever been in. I love celebrating Halloween and seeing my childrens’ imaginations soar for the day.

I suppose I may be having an existential crisis of sorts. “A form of inner conflict” is how that particular crisis is defined. It does feel freeing and grounding though to no longer be showing up every weekend to spend time with a bunch of people who don’t seem to care too much about what is actually going on in my life and would rather I just say “good” when they ask how I am doing.

They never dismissed me from Life Church but I am resigning from my membership. I am unsure what the future holds but I am certain God loves me and I love Him, love people, and serve others even if I am not a member of Life Church.