Love. . .
Is definitely a many-splendored thing.
Today, as I write this, it is Valentine’s Day. It is the day that the Catholic Church celebrates the death of Valentine of Terin (Feb 14, 269 AD). The celebration coincided with the feast of Lupercalia (Feb 13 to 15), a Roman festival dedicated to fertility.
The story behind St. Valentine is that, against Emperor Claudius II’s orders, he secretly married couples to spare the husbands from war. Claudius ordered him beheaded and the execution was conducted in mid-February.
The church may have chosen February 14 to give religious meaning to the Roman festival held on that date which celebrated Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture.
Today, of course, it is the day we celebrate love and give our loved ones flowers, chocolates, and cards with red hearts on them as symbols or our love. Some say it is a day Hallmark and the candy industry created to add some joy (and business) to the short days and long nights of winter here in the northern hemisphere.
Thirty years ago, Dr. Gary Chapman, a pastor and radio hose in North Carolina, published a book titled The Five Love Languages: How to Express heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. In it, he discusses five ways we give and receive love:
- Words of affirmation. Compliments. (We encourage each other.)
- Quality time. (Doing what your mate wants — spending time together.)
- Receiving gifts. (Flowers, candy, jewelry, etc.)
- Acts of service. (Washing dishes, taking out the trash.)
- Touching. (We men especially love this one.)
Unlike Dr. Chapman, I have not been privy to thousands of conversations (and complaints) about love and marriage. Most of my knowledge of love comes from the Bible and 54 years of marriage.
What those 54 years have taught me is that we need to pay attention to all five of Chapman’s ways of expressing love. If we both do, I’m confident we will enjoy a long, warm, and loving relationship with our partner.
While we may prefer one form of giving or receiving love, I think we all appreciate our partners more when they step out of their comfort zone and reward us with actions they typically don’t take.
This year I bought a dozen red roses for my wife. I haven’t done that in a while. A couple of years ago I surprised her by having a bouquet of flowers delivered to our room while we were on vacation to celebrate her birthday. She was surprised and delighted. It made the occasion even more special for her than it already was.
In fact, if we do something that is atypical, the response may be much greater than if we do it often.
Sometimes we forget how important it is to reward our partner by loving them in the ways they appreciate most. I love to get hugs. My wife is not a hugger. So, to get my hugs, I have to initiate them. When I do, she always responds.
Many years ago, we made a contract. I would wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen, take the trash out, etc. She would cook the meals. I would carry the laundry up and down the stairs. She washes and folds the clothes and does what little ironing we require. We split up the housecleaning. She dusts; I vacuum. I tend to the lawn; she takes care of the flower gardens. These are acts of service we do for one another.
In the evening we spend quality time together watching an episode of a TV series on Netflix or a movie.
We eat all three of our meals together almost every day. We always say grace before beginning to eat.
A friend of mine says “Love” is a verb. I tend to agree. We have to do things to express our love and show the other person how much we care for them. Saying “I love you” is fine but showing it by doing things like those mentioned above cements the relationship and makes it last.
One further point, be quick to say “I’m sorry” when you offend your partner. And be quick to forgive when they hurt you.
Happy Valentine’s Day, dear friends. I wish you all long and love-filled relationships.