Love Ain’t Like The Notebook

“It’s dreadful what little things lead people to misunderstand each other.” — L.M. Montgomery

The Lies of Movies

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” — Rudyard Kipling

Romantic movies, songs, and books ruin relationships. They plant seeds in our minds about how a relationship should look: full of yelling, arguing and screaming, and unhealthy dynamics such as push-pull, on-again-off-again, and chaser-chasee. These damaged seeds prevent a relationship from blossoming.

I sucked with girls most of my life. I didn’t kiss a girl in high school, and I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was twenty-three.

When I would meet someone I was interested in, I would chase and express my unwavering love similar to Noah in The Notebook. Unfortunately, my luck wasn’t as good as Noah’s.

When a girl expressed interest in me, I was too scared to mess up the movie-like fantasy I played in my head: boy chases girl; girl denies flowers, chocolates, and love notes; boy — bitter and depressed — abandons his pursuit; boy reluctantly defends girl from emotionally abusive high school quarterback; girl finally realizes boys’ value; they fall in love.

The thought of a girlfriend was more satisfying and less risky than actually having one (my high school’s quarterback was a big guy).

First Time for Everything

“If you don’t feel foolish the first time you try something new, you probably aren’t doing it right.” — Kara Timmins

I met my first girlfriend while I was working at Starbucks. From day one, there were red flags. She didn’t have her driver’s license because she was arrested for DUI. She smoked cigarettes and had no plans for the future — literally the opposite of me.

I forced a connection and wanted to save her like a superhero does the damsel in distress. I wanted to be Disney’s Hercules or Spiderman starring Toby Maguire. I longed for that intense relationship that would engage my emotions because that’s what I thought was a prerequisite of an intimate relationship.

I would often do nice things like bring her flowers while she was at work, plan and pay for an expensive trip for her birthday, and give my undivided attention while she vented about coworkers, friends, or her absent father.

I wanted her to think I was the perfect boyfriend. I wanted her to fall head over heels and brag to her girlfriends about me. But that didn’t happen. We broke up after three months of dating.

My experience (or lack thereof) inspired me to learn about dating and relationships, and become a Marriage and Family Therapist. After many years and highlighter-soaked books, I’ve realized my relationship with my first girlfriend was very codependent.

All of us suffer from codependency because nobody’s parents are perfect. But the spectrum from healthy to unhealthy dependency varies.

Other than our parents, other outer influences like friends, social media, and movies can trigger and move us towards the unhealthy end of the codependency spectrum.

Easy as 1,2,3

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” — Leonardo da Vinci

There is no right or wrong way for a romantic relationship to form, but they shouldn’t be as complicated and dramatic as the movies depict. Intimate relationships should develop as simply as platonic relationships.

I’ve had three best friends in my life. In elementary school, Cole Sprouse was my best friend. Yes, you read that right — the kid from Big Daddy and The Suite Life of Zach and Cody was my best friend.

We were sitting in a group during our fifth-grade math class, and we began talking about video games. From there, we hung out a couple of times and realized we had a lot in common, like our love for roller coasters and Fruity Pebbles cereal. We had similar temperaments and got along well.

My best friend in middle school to sophomore year of high school was a kid I met playing basketball at 24 Hour Fitness. We both loved basketball and had a similar sense of humor. We spent every day with each other the summer after I graduated from middle school.

Junior year of high school, I met my current best friend, who is also my roommate. We played on the school basketball team together, but we didn’t connect until senior year when we had three classes together.

One random morning during our first-period class, we talked about a dating show on MTV. We squeezed our desks together and whispered about the show, only stopping when we thought our teacher was about to yell at us.

The show was about a man who could attract any girl he wanted. This man taught a group of guys his skill set. The winner of the show was the guy of the group who could complete each week’s challenge.

I was too embarrassed to admit I watched the show, learned a thing or two, and was enamored by the idea that socializing and dating are skills that can be improved.

The fact I found someone who was also as enthusiastic about the material was heavenly. It felt like we shared a secret nobody else knew like two kids who discovered a buried treasure chest of gold.

We feel as if we’re twins separated at birth. People who hang around us comment about the similarity of our vocal tone and cadence and mannerisms. We finish each other’s sentences and have more inside jokes than humanely possible.

He’s also the person I’ve learned the most from relationally. He’s always been in healthy relationships.

From initial introduction to first date, to anniversary celebration, to break up — he handles relationships with ease.

He’s never had a major argument with any girl he’s dated. If you read that and think that’s not normal, you’re wrong.

We’ve been made to believe by directors and musicians that constant fighting, arguing, and bickering are signs that people care about each other. When in reality, yelling and screaming means a lack of communication skills or incompatibility.

The Need to Question

“As you dig your teeth into your assumptions, your teeth become sharper. You can dig deeper. You become what the world needs simply by helping yourself. It’s not easy, but it is worth it. The truth, as they say, hurts. But they also say it sets you free.” — Vironika Tugaleva

Just because a film (or any piece of art) is popular doesn’t mean its messages are healthy. Interpret movies, music, and books as messages from imperfect humans. Also, realize these creations are typically inflated and false.

To question and examine your beliefs about your favorite movies and their impact on your life can be frustrating, challenging, and met with resistance. The consequences of not doing so are undeniable.

But I digress.

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