Relationship | Love | Mindfulness
Love Advice: Stop Searching And You Will Find It
You don’t find love; it will find you
Searching for love has become some sort of a mission for a lot of people. Apps like Tinder popped up to help with that search. It has become so easy to meet new people just for the sake of planning a date and seeing how things will go.
But honestly? I don’t think it will ever work out like this. Or do you know anyone who can say “I found my husband on tinder”?
Of course, there are exceptions to confirm this rule. But I firmly believe that you won’t find true love through these means. And I can say so from my own experience. That may well be a sole exception, but please, hear me out.
The constant search for love raises our expectations
People on Tinder, for example, tend to come up with creative bios and unorthodox pickup-lines, just to impress their newfound match. Deciding whether you are interested in someone doesn’t even have to be based on social interactions. You just look at their profile picture, read their description, and then decide whether you swipe left or right.
Fast-food-dating
When I was “hunting for love”, Tinder wasn’t a thing yet. But I spent a lot of time in chat rooms, meeting new people, always hoping to find someone to date. It wasn’t much different if we look at it now.
The problem with that is, you spend so much time searching for certain qualities in your potential partners, that you completely miss out on all the other aspects, like making new friends and growing your social network. You merely focus on potential partners and cling to them on every occasion.
Most chat sessions turn into mindless flirting in hopes of getting to the next base. And with time, your expectations change subconsciously. You start judging people quicker, dismissing anyone who doesn’t match your desired qualities without ever hearing what they’d have to say.
This not only limits the chance of meeting new people but makes you miss out on a lot of people who’d you happily befriend if you were talking face to face.
Apps like Tinder distance you from the human connection. There are no pheromones in the air, no magic moments. You just stare at a screen and rate potential partners simply based on their short-lived first impression, like comparing two slices of meat in the supermarket.
You won’t get more than a one night stand out of it
And if that’s all you desire, great, go for it. But if it’s love you’re looking for, don’t rely on apps to do the work for you. I know it seems so easy to meet a lot of new people.
But these people, just like you, have subconsciously raised their bar in the process. Since it’s so easy to dismiss someone and find someone else, dating itself has become more difficult. Much like a bottom level employee can get replaced within a few weeks, you’ll judge more quickly, based on the twisted situation of supply and demand.
I’ve searched for love and have found many partners, I have spent more than 7 years with one, too. But it turned out that we weren’t as fitting for each other as we thought. It took us time to realize, but that’s time I won’t get back.
If you want to find true love, you need to stop searching for it. Call it serendipity.
You can find love anywhere, but true love has to find you
Do you know what in the end worked for me? Not searching for love. After the 7 year relationship, I got out of, I decided to stop searching for partners. Not chatting with women just to hook up. Not going to the club just to approach someone out of nowhere, trying to impress.
I was done with it and felt like I’d need to learn to love myself first. I just wasted 7 years with someone who I thought would be my end-all-be-all. And I got codependent. I wanted to focus on myself. Pursue my hobbies. Live my own life, free of any pressure.
“It may be an old cliche, but I think true love will last; it has no end. But finding the right person is a very difficult thing.” — Bruce Forsyth
And that’s when I met someone who I thought would be nothing more but a friend. I didn’t see her as a potential partner. I wasn’t looking for one. I didn’t meet her in a chat room, on Tinder or at a party. I met her while I did what I always wanted to do but never found the time to do. Learning Japanese.
It’s not like I’d pack my stuff and go live in Japan just because I met someone from Japan online, right?
Well, turned out I did. We’re married, have a daughter and I consider her the one whose side I will stay by until my last day on earth. She is the first woman I met while not trying to date anyone. I was on a constant search for love for almost 10 years.
Dating, breaking up again, sobbing and crying, jumping back into dating. The circle went on. I thought I would never be happy until I find the right one. So I saw the right one in anyone I dated. And with each breakup, I raised the bar higher and higher. Until there was no one left for me to date.
I stopped looking and suddenly my whole perspective changed. I’m sure if you haven’t found true love yet, it’s because you are looking too hard. Take a step back. Focus on the love you have for yourself. Do what you really love to do, not what you feel you need to do to impress anyone.
Turn inwards and focus on yourself. Stop wasting time on Tinder or in clubs. Pick a hobby you are really passionate about. Something that brings you true joy. And I can almost promise you, one day while smiling brightly at the joy of your hobby, your eyes will cross with another person smiling, just as much.
True love has just found you.
Kevin is an editor and writer for the ILLUMINATION and Polyglot Poetry publications. Follow him on Twitter and LinkedIn. Three articles of other writers I recommend: