Lost, Loved & Lost Again…
The story of my tragic extramarital love and my broken heart.
Ping …. a new Watsapp message…, “HEY, am in your town, send me your address I will come see you”.
My heart raced…a lost love, someone whom I had let go..forgotten, gotten over ( or so I thought I had) had texted me suddenly. immediately setting ablaze something which I didn’t even know still existed inside me…
HIM — my childhood friend. Growing up together ..we always took each other for granted. By the time we were teenagers, there was undeniable chemistry there but it never translated coz we already had respective boy/girlfriends. Naive and young we never realized what we let go…
As time and life do to us all, we drifted apart and also consciously avoided each other for the entire 13 years .. only meeting when my daughter was born and one more chance meeting in passing.
Till that day in 2017 when I suddenly received a text. I took an entire 2 hours to respond hoping by then he would be out of time. ( I was happily married ..or I thought I was and also a mother to a beautiful daughter and didn’t know or want any other life ) Destiny had other plans though…he immediately replied asking for my address and I knew I was doomed ..couldn’t get out of this one.
The moment he walked in, he enveloped me in his bear hug and I immediately froze .. I was so awkward he laughed at me and said “ don’t worry, we have grown up now. I bet what we had is lost now”. So coffee was had and the usual chit chat about family, life, and friends.
His warm laughter and deep baritone didn’t help. He was a Lt.col and his physique and persona matched that perfectly. Soon enough, there was another hug …and neither of us was letting go. It was just that…no roaming hands or any other hanky panky…just the power of that embrace shook us and took great effort to let go… I don’t really remember the rest of that visit much as I was totally embarrassed and shaken by the audacity of the situation.
It was brutal, how could a simple hug after 13 long years say so much and make me feel so much… of what could have been, and what is still there. He left soon after and he appeared shaken too…both of us were at a loss for words.
I was enraged at myself, how could I allow this. Idealistic me, beat myself up for this for a long time after and swore off seeing or talking to him again. That was easy as he was posted in another state far away…
Life went on, but then suddenly I got news his dad had passed. I overcame my shame and texted him a long condolence message. After avoiding him for 2 months I finally gave in and answered his phone call.
That one phone call was like opening the flood gates to a brimming river of bottled emotions and love. I found myself being helplessly swept away into this whirlwind of friendship, memories, and newfound power of expressing what we already knew we felt and had been holding back for more than a decade.
How was it possible to feel so much for him, that too when we had only met for all of 20 mins over the last 15 odd years. But I guess that’s all it takes when there is so much already there. Was it that “ once in a lifetime” kind of love we always read of?.
Five and a half months after that first meeting, he was in town again. This time he invited me to his Army Guesthouse for lunch, both of us knew what was on the menu really.
I had never imagined I would be in another man’s room after 13 yrs of marriage. But this was no stranger, he was my dear friend and my one unrequited love…
We started talking, and everything just started happening very naturally. I suddenly remembered and told him I was on my period. He simply walked into the bathroom and got a huge brown towel out.. and laid it on the bed. Embarrassed and weirdly flattered I took his outstretched hand. We kissed and the world ceased to exist…It was all magic from thereon. I won’t go into the details, that would make a separate long story itself.
All I can say was — I felt loved, content, and seen. Seen in a way I didn’t know was possible. The lovemaking was otherworldly. Even as we were in the throes of it, he made sure to ask me if I was sure of this and he could stop if I wanted to..this only made me want him even more. I had never experienced this kind of connection and understanding.
Married sex had always been eyes closed, minimal foreplay, and zero communication for me…( Except for the first initial years maybe ).
Soon I had to leave, but he promised to come home and see me that evening. Luckily I had the house to myself that night. I felt insurmountable guilt as the day progressed, even though in my heart it felt so right. By the time he came home I was a mess and ready to tell him it was a mistake and shouldn’t be repeated ever.
He came bearing flowers and I remember not feeling too great seeing him again. Exhausted from all the overthinking and unhappiness…I just wanted to feel the love, the connection… this which I had hungered for, for all these years. It was impossible to not want it, not want to be held by this man ..whom I had loved since my teen years and who was here asking to be loved and held by me. That night is the most memorable night of my life…. forever.
He left sometime in the early hours of the morning, and thus began another long period of only phone conversations. Both of us were pretty mindblown at the overwhelming emotion and pleasure we had experienced.
Yes, we were in love, deeply. There was no denying that… the question was how and what were we to do next. We had kids and marriages, neither of us was perfectly happy but we did care for our spouses and families. His wife was also my friend, which made this a horrible thing to be doing.
This is when i realized, no one actually is good or bad. Things happen, they are usually not in our control. And no matter how much we resist , its all futile. Destiny brings to you whatever is meant to be in your path…..
After that, we met again in 4 months. That time was even more intense, with some tears and extremely emotional lovemaking. The helpless flow of passion was inconquerable.
He constantly kept in touch and kept reassuring me that he actually wanted us to be together, not that I had even asked or expected this from him. But both of us eventually wanted that.
It had been some beautiful months of being in love, receiving this kind of love had changed me. My confidence was higher, I felt beautiful ( something I had not felt in a long time). People commented on my changed persona and that made me happier. The guilt of cheating was not bothering me anymore, it had all drowned underneath the ocean of love and passion I was floating on.
And then suddenly he died..he was 38.
One morning in September, I kept waiting for his call at the usual time. It didn’t come…I remember standing on the street looking through Facebook. Only to see a common friend posting his shock over the death of our dear Lt. Col…The world faded away and the ground below my feet didn’t exist anymore. I fell but was caught in time by my driver…I just remember this guttural sound which was coming out of me involuntarily….. I can never forget the despair I felt and still do.
I managed to call his wife..we were all old friends. Soon I had flown to where he was, for his funeral..typing those words still takes the life out of me. It was all a haze, a full honors military funeral with all our old friends around. He had died of a heart condition while he was out running in the early hours… (he was a great regular runner) …Seeing his kids and his home hit me really hard….I was a complete wreck but I held on. I know it sounds awful, me the other woman…at his funeral with his family. His mom and sister held on to me and cried for hours… I was almost like a zombie.
The sight of him lying lifeless is a constant image in my head and will be forever. As everyone paid their respects, I remember just feeling how cold he was…and saying a silent prayer over him. I said, “I will see you soon”…
I returned to my family a changed and defeated person. It took me a long time to even start doing my normal things, but I had to keep the usual things going as I wasn’t entitled to grieve like I wanted to… Maybe this is my penance.
Time has passed and I am still grieving. It comes in waves now and there is that constant hollow in my heart that refuses to fill.
My marriage was already dysfunctional then and is still pretty much the same…I know people will say an affair is always wrong. The horrible evil of cheating never can be love…
Life has taught me here that there is no set time for love, it can find you unexpectedly and ruin you if you let it. The profoundness of this isn’t lost on me. There is no black and white really, we are all grey.
But I have learned what loss and pain is, and I remind myself that …one should make the most of every moment, coz tomorrow is not promised. Value the ones you love, even if they don’t reciprocate the same ..
There are different kinds of love, and I have been fortunate to have experienced the best kind. I believe we can love many in our lifetime and each love can be different…
Yes, I still see my soldier in my dreams and his voice haunts me in many waking moments too…I still sometimes helplessly call out to him asking him to come back.
Our love happened, even though the timing was all wrong.. there is no denying it. I am a changed person. We will never know what could have been, but whatever was ( even though it was socially wrong ) was ours and will always be……
Was our love ill-fated , or was it a blessing…I consider it more of a blessing. Do i regret it?…not at all. His love is the one thing which still gets me through my days….my most prized possession.
As they say — It is better to have loved and lost….