FROM MY LIFE, MENTAL HEALTH
Lost And Found Many Times
Treasure the good times — you never know what waits around the corner
Good health is something we all want — good physical and mental health. I had no major illnesses in my life, but I’ve had several times where my mental health took a hit. Times where I had lost myself and needed to find my way back.
A visit to my father
The first time I ended up needing the help of a psychologist to find my way back to myself was back in 2007 when I visited my father in South Africa. My father had no photos of my kids and me in his house, and that was like a punch to my gut. There were collages of different photos of my brother and his family, as well as of my two step-sisters. None of me, even though I had sent him many photos over the years.
In the weeks after my return, I was sad. Down. About six weeks after I had seen my dad, all I could do was cry. My husband ushered me to the doctor, who referred me to a psychologist.
For the second session, I had to write a letter to my father. It must’ve been the third or fourth session when she lightened my load considerably. She said my father had no photos of me in his house, because he didn’t want to be confronted with his mistakes.
The reason she said that was because in the letter I wrote about things that happened when I was pregnant with my daughter.
It helped. And now, after learning about the lies of my parents, I understand it even better.
A couple of sessions later, I had found my happiness again, and had a bit more knowledge about myself.
Burning myself out
I’m a hard worker, whether it’s for my own projects or for my boss. I used to have problems saying no, which is why at my work, whenever new things had to be done, they landed on my desk. There came a time where I did the work of three people — running the admin department, doing the finances and taking care of human resources. I also got caught up between two bosses who didn’t really see eye to eye.
That combination was the recipe for an inevitable burnout.
The first two weeks I was at home, guilty feelings consumed me. At the end of those two weeks, the HR manager wanted to speak to me on the phone. We set the time for the Friday, and that morning I decided to log in, check my mail, and go back to work on Monday. I opened my mail, and all I could do was cry.
That was the final blow. I went to the doctor, and yet again had a referral to the same psychologist I saw five years before.
Four and a half months later, I was back at work, but it took another year before my sessions with the psychologist ended.
One thing I had learned then: I may say ‘no’. I never again allowed them to dump any tasks on me, and I strategically extracted myself from the position between those two bosses.
Totally lost in grief
The worst shape I’ve ever been in was when my mom passed away.
When we learned she was ill, I pushed my own feelings down to support her. I took her to every appointment she had to go to, visited her every day when she was in hospital, and later in the care home. She went from hospital to care home to hospital repeatedly in those five and a half months.
The last eleven days of her life, I stayed with her 24/7 — three days in hospital, and eight in the hospice.
I held her hand and watched her blow out her last breath.
I cried a lot in the months after her death, but somehow I didn’t get to my grief. About a year after my mom passed, I had very dark thoughts, and realized I needed help. I went to the doctor (we may not go for professional help without a referral) and he mentioned that with all I went through, I’m suffering from PTSD. He gave me the referral, and I went to see a grief counselor, who by using EMDR, finally ‘unlocked’ my grief.
Once more, after being lost, I found my way back.
Then 2021 happened
What can I say about 2021? So much happened. A summary:
- My son’s health: I learned about my son’s mental health meltdown in November 2020, but it started months before that. In November 2020, he ended up in a psychosis. He was angry all the time. Thankfully, after many others, his last suicide attempt was at the end of May 2021, when he ended up in hospital for two nights. His relationship ended, and only then I learned how abusive the girl was. Mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive. She has broken my son. He is a mess and has a long way to go to be as strong as he was before he met her. If he ever gets there again.
- My husband’s health: the stroke, the cancer. Tiredness still affects his speech, and because the cancer treatment is still ongoing, and thyroid meds are kept at insane levels, he’s eating more, losing weight, always tired, not sleeping well, has a rash on his back, is losing muscle tone and suffering from muscle aches. No wonder he’s not in the mood for anything.
- My health: My son’s situation already weight heavily on me, then my husband’s situation added to that. My manager feared I was heading for a burnout, so I cut back on work, going from full days to half days. Then my back played up, leaving me crying myself to sleep for weeks. Thanks to the coach and the physiotherapist, the stress in my back is manageable, and my daily walks definitely help for that too.
- Finding my daughter’s father was the most happy event of 2022, but also unleashed a bunch of emotions, things I need to deal with, and which will find their way into my writing.
Working on finding my way back
I’m strong.
I know I am.
I’ve gone through much in my life, many ups and downs, and I always pulled through.
It’s because I know this, that I know I will find my way back again. I have the help of a coach and she is teaching me a lot about myself. She helps me to find my way back to my child-responses, as those help me deal with things from the past too.
One thing is clear: I’m in the middle of all this, supporting everyone. It’s a lonely position, but as long as I stay mindful of needing help too, and accepting it, I will not lose myself again.
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