Losing Someone You Love — Navigating The Grieving Process
My mom died, and what I'm learning from my grief.
If you have ever lost someone you love deeply you would know how hard grief is.
The grieving process is one of life’s most gut-wrenching and hardest things you’ll ever go through.
Nothing can ever prepare you for the death of someone you love.
I am grieving my beloved mother Luigina Di Francesco who died 8 weeks ago on the 30th of July 2023 from colon cancer.
So it's still early days for me with the emotion being raw but the pain will always be there.
I dedicate this piece to all those of you who have lost someone you love to cancer or just experienced a great loss.
Grief should kill you
I honestly don't know how grief doesn't kill you. It should as it's the greatest pain both emotionally and physically.
There is no medication you can take for it either!
Anti-depressants and standard painkillers won't take the pain away and neither recreational drugs or alcohol which just worsen the situation.
I stay far away from these and prefer to just feel what I feel no matter how painful.
Upon hearing the doctor say at the hospital that my beautiful mom had no pulse and was dead my heart broke.
It is the greatest pain I've ever felt.
I actually felt a sharp pain akin to an arrow or knife piercing my heart.
It’s a real physical sensation not just emotional.
This has continued for days on end and the pain is still there but now it's slowly being replaced by more of the emotional pain.
That is the emotions of shock, anger, sadness, and dismay that come up for me on any given day. They will come up for you too if you are grieving.
Such emotions are all part of the grieving process and they come and go.
The pain of the loss of a loved one
I am devasted by my mom’s loss. It's like half of my heart is missing.
I didn’t just lose a mum, I also lost a father, a best friend, and a confidante.
She was all of these to me and was my rock in life.
Our bond was truly special and sacred.
Few daughters and sons have this with their mothers.
In fact, I think the umbilical cord was never broken at least on a spiritual level.
I honestly believe that when you lose someone you love deeply a part of you dies at least on an emotional level.
The greater the love the more we suffer
A dear friend of mine Peter Lim who is a writer, musician, and poet said to me,
“The more we love the greater we suffer. Yet loving is larger than suffering and death.”
I couldn’t agree more with Peter. I also heard it said, “The deeper the love the deeper the loss.”
I loved Mom deeply, so her loss has rocked me to my core and left a huge emptiness and void in me.
The dark night of the soul
When you lose someone you love it ushers in the dark night of the soul.
You are in the belly of the whale.
I honestly don’t know how long my dark night will last.
But I know I have a long dark road ahead of me….
But I don’t intend to rush it and neither should you.
You need to ride it out and see where it takes you.
Learn to find purpose & meaning in your loss as this will help you navigate your dark night better.
Renewed purpose after the death of a loved one
The need to make my mama proud has given me a renewed sense of purpose.
It’s what honestly makes me get out of bed or else I would be in a slump and just stay in bed all day!
Even writing this piece is part of this need to make her proud and as such I have the strength to write it.
So I encourage you to find a purpose no matter how small in your grief as this will make getting out of bed and facing the day so much easier.
Little bio on my beautiful mom
I won’t waffle on here as this isn’t an eulogy but this piece would be incomplete if I didn’t at least share something about my dear mama.
Although not famous or an influencer in today’s digital age ( she was internet illiterate) her presence made a difference and impact.
My mother was born Luigina Di Francesco on the 10th of August 1937 in the medieval village of Fontecchio in the central region of Abruzzo Italy.
Her name Luigina is a female version of the male name Luigi. It is an ancient Roman name meaning “to give light.”
My mama gave light by making people feel understood and heard and in particular connected with those who had suffered as she had suffered.
If she was your friend you had a friend for life as she was fiercely loyal.
Her connection with flowers, plants, and animals was touching to witness.
She instilled good values and character in all her children and I am forever grateful to have been her daughter.
An incredible human being who made the world a better place
I speak from strong conviction and not simply bias when I say that my mom was an incredible human being who left the world a better place.
Despite having had a life of constant suffering, trauma, and abuse since a young age she was never bitter and was incredibly loving.
She was the most unconditional, gentle, childlike, curious, and compassionate person towards both people and animals.
She had such a great capacity to love deeply and love unconditionally.
It’s easy being a loving person when life has been pretty good to you but when it hasn’t and you are still loving it speaks volumes about you.
There are people who are bitter because their internet connection doesn’t work or their coffee is cold!
A true mother in the true sense of the word
My mother was a true mom and maternal by nature. She would have gone under a bus for her children.
There are so many mothers and fathers who are conditional and not capable of loving their children unconditionally.
This of course impacts people’s ability to love others and is responsible for a lot of problems in relationships.
I honestly believe so many people should never be parents.
They do more damage than good bringing children into the world.
Honoring a loved one makes grief easier
It's important I believe to carry on the lessons and legacies of your loved one/s.
That’s how you honor them and make them proud.
It makes the grief process much easier.
There’s nothing more disrespectful and hurtful than not continuing your loved one’s legacy and fulfilling their wishes/requests.
I promised my beloved mama that I would:
- look after her beautiful and magical garden of over 130 flowers
- help take care of my brother
- stay strong
- continue to cook her recipes
- travel to Italy
- share her legacy with the wider world (her story and 997 recipes)
I have every intention of honoring these promises.
How gratitude helps the grieving process
I don't want to sound cliche here as ‘gratitude’ has become a buzzword these days and you hear it all the time.
But I can honestly say it is important when you're grieving the loss of someone you love.
Gratitude has taught me to look for things I am grateful for in this sad time.
As I reflect the following three stand out:
- I got to be my mom’s daughter for 40 years and nine months in her womb.
- We created many beautiful and magical moments together.
- I was there right until the end by her bedside so she didn't die alone.
What are some things you can be grateful for in your loss?
Embrace them with all your heart.
Embrace death and the grieving process
I think here in the West we don't do grief well.
That is death and grief aren't something openly talked about and it creates a lot of tension and uneasiness. You're expected to “just get on with it.”
This isn't healthy and makes death harder.
I am of Italian origin and in my culture thankfully death is something that's openly talked about.
Italians visit the graves of their loved ones once a week sometimes more for years as a way of paying respect and honoring them.
Not to mention we have a day dedicated to the dead on All Souls Day in November where we light candles and have a mass done in their honor.
I visit my mum's grave once a week and will continue to do so till it's my time to leave this earth.
One-way conversations with the dead
This might sound strange but recently I have been ringing my mama’s mobile and having one-way conversations with her.
It's all part of my grieving and healing process.
Interestingly I have discovered that in Japan they actually have a phone booth where you talk to the dead so I am not the only one to think like this.
People travel from all over the world to visit the Wind Phone.
So don't feel strange or weird if you find yourself doing certain things that may seem odd and strange after the death of a loved one.
It’s part of your healing process.
Healing from death & grief
If you are grieving or know someone who is grieving I hope the following thoughts bring comfort:
- The people we love become a part of who we are & when they leave this world, a part of them stays with us always.
- Keeping them close to your heart helps keep them alive.
- True love is more powerful than death so death can never sever the bond.
- One day, you will be reunited with your loved one/s.
Final thoughts on death and dying
Death and grief are never easy but are part of life.
None of us can avoid it.
Consider yourself very lucky if as of yet you haven't lost anyone you love.
When you do just remember that you need to grieve and you can't rush the process.
When you're ready to go back to ‘normal’ you’ll know.
Don't let others tell you when you should go back to work, do this or that.
You’ll know when it's time, not them!
Know that the pain will always be there along with flashbacks especially if the person you loved died in front of you like my dear mom.
But time does bring healing.
Surround yourself with people for support.
Don't go at it alone.
You need family and friends at this time.
I love you forever mama
I will miss my mama’s beautiful face, advice, kind eyes, soft tender hands, & hugs that made me feel like there wasn’t a problem I could overcome.
I take comfort in the fact that she is always with me in spirit at least and that one day I will be reunited with her.
Till we meet again I will promote her and continue her legacy.
I love you so much mama and I hope you are here in spirit witnessing this piece.
I will make the 10th of August her birthday National KFC Day in her honor.
KFC was her favorite junk food, in particular the original chicken wings.
She particularly liked them when they were in the fridge. The cold actually intensifies their flavor.
Give them a try — get some chicken wings and put them in the fridge.
Sandra D
Resources to help you with grief (not affiliate links)
Book 1 — Dark Nights of the Soul
Book 2- Grief Therapy
Music — Jealous of the Angels
Hotlines: (if you reside in Australia)
Griefline: 1300 845 745 Monday to Friday 8 am till 8 pm
Lifeline:13 11 14 Monday to Sunday 24 hrs