Summary

The author, a lifelong Christian, grapples with the dissonance between their strong personal faith and their disillusionment with the organized Christian religion, particularly due to experiences with gender bias, hypocrisy, and racial and economic disparities within the church community.

Abstract

The author reflects on a lifetime of Christian faith, emphasizing their unwavering connection to God despite repeated disappointments with the church. They recount the strict modesty rules and gender bias encountered in their Pentecostal upbringing, where women were often blamed for men's sins, citing the biblical story of Adam and Eve as a foundation for this philosophy. The author shares personal anecdotes of hurt inflicted by female pastors and church members, contrasting these experiences with the joy found in the church's music and culinary traditions. However, the author's frustration with the church's handling of sex scandals, financial mismanagement, and social issues like racism has led them to distance themselves from organized religion. They advocate for a personal faith practice centered on prayer and praise without the constraints of institutional rules and hypocrisy.

Opinions

The author has a strong personal faith in God but has lost confidence in Christianity as an organized religion.
They criticize the gender bias within the Pentecostal denomination, which includes strict modesty rules and the exclusion of women from preaching.
The author feels that women in the church are often scapegoated for men's wrongdoings, a view rooted in the interpretation of the Adam and Eve narrative.
Personal experiences with judgmental and hypocritical church leaders and members have caused significant emotional pain.
The author appreciates the cultural aspects of the church, such as music and food, but condemns the church's silence on important social issues.
They are disillusioned by the church's financial priorities and its transformation into a business-like entity that influences politics.
The author believes that children should not be penalized for the circumstances of their birth, such as being born to unwed mothers.
They advocate for a direct relationship with God, free from the constraints of organized religion's rules and the hypocrisy of its members.

A righteous rant

Losing My Religion, Finding My Faith

Religious reflections and stream of consciousness

Photo by Cosmic Timetraveler on Unsplash

I’ve been a Christian all my life. Faith is the one part of Christianity I can’t and refuse to let go of even when people in the religion disappoint and hurt me emotionally and spiritually. I’ve always felt I had a strong connection to God.

Lately, my faith has been tested more than usual. I’ve had a very hard life and every time I think I’ve found a soft place — I’m snatched back to the reality of economic, racial and health disparities in America. I pray — but not as much as I should and I meditate and it’s brought me peace — and I love to read the Bible and talk about God’s glory — but I’ve lost my love, confidence in Christianity as an organized religion, but my faith remains strong.

I grew up Pentecostal. Some call it Holiness or COGIC. We are the churches that helped create some of the strongest, beautiful and prolific voices like the Clark Sisters, and The Pace Sisters…

Our denomination is also known for having some of the strictest “modesty” rules and gender bias. Women aren’t supposed to preach in our church. Our pastors preached that women are the wrongdoers and men “make mistakes”. If a man “had fallen” and sinned — it was probably because a woman did something… This philosophy goes back to the story of Adam and Eve.

Poor Adam was just minding his business when that evil Eve made him bite that apple and they were both banished from the paradise of Eden. Eve tempted him with the forbidden fruit, he didn’t know any better and just followed that ding dang woman.

Ever since then, women have been blamed for men’s bad, horrible decisions and behavior. If it wasn’t a temptress or manipulative woman — it was the Momma who didn’t raise him right, but either way — it’s always the woman’s fault when a man sins.

Some of my worse pains came from female pastors and religious women I call “church ladies”. I actually grew up with some sweet, but seriously stoic church ladies.

It wasn’t until I went to college where I discovered the pure meanness and misery of church ladies. My God — how I recovered is literally a miracle:

It was a female pastor who told me it was my fault that I was raped because I dated “unsaved men”. Yet, her grandson, a musician was the only single prospect in the church and she remained silent while he was openly dating 2 cousins. When he impregnated the heavier cousin (who the pastor kicked off the choir and preached about loose women) months later he married the pretty, thin one — while he flirted with me (the medium size one who couldn’t wear belts on my dresses because according to a deacon’s wife my body caused the men to stare when I walked.

When I tried to attend church services, it was a church lady who told me I would need to leave if my sick baby kept crying.

Most recently a female pastor coldly told me, a disabled African American woman that I would have to leave our community house by the end of the month, but refused to say when the 2 white male residents had to go… Although one of the men is known for being a belligerent drunk and womanizer — he’s also a minister so I guess his sins are forgiven because it’s not his fault women keep coming to fornicate — well commit adultery because he’s actually still married.

I’ve found that church ladies can be cold, miserable creatures. I think it’s because they’re angry with God and want to sin — but they’re scared so they internalize it in the name of Jesus and torture the rest of the world with malice, contempt in their heart, and a Bible verse on their tongues. It’s sad and scary.

I watched church ladies try to eat, swallow and pray away their pain, frustration and loneliness and I’m guilty — but there isn’t more of a glaring example than Black church ladies.

Once again, I’m guilty. We can keep ignoring the problem — but it’s literally killing us with obesity-related illnesses and the weight of heartbreak or unworthiness.

A blessing and downfall of COGIC churches are our ridiculously long services and our heavy but heavenly prepared meals to help sustain us between morning and evening services. Now you won’t hear a peep out of me when it comes to the cooking traditions and legendary meals I’ve had at church — they were simply outstanding.

Perfectly fried chicken, collard greens, baked macaroni and cheese, homemade cakes and pies, and fancy Jell-o molds. AMAZE PRAISE BALLS.

How we got up and sang, shout or move and not pass out in a food coma I’ll never know but we did…

I’ve lost all hope in organized Christianity — between the sex scandals involving adults and children, the elitist — money, status churches with their prosperity preachers or the small churches with their weird rules and cult-like congregations… I’ve been a faithful member of Bedside Baptist, Facebook Service Tabernacle before the pandemic.

I’m done pretending I can deal with the desperate single ladies fighting over the two eligible bachelors who are frequently stringing along a minimum of 1 bigger or shy, innocent church girl — who is literally hoping and praying he’s going to leave his“perfect, pretty virgin(al)” girlfriend with whom he almost always marries. I’ve seen it too many times — a trail of heartbroken, single women.

I’m tired of the cheating deacons and the manipulative musicians who are often tortured souls who spent their youth playing the devil’s music and came back to church to get closer to God and all the lonely women….

I just want to pray and praise God without all the people and their manmade religious rules in the way. I don’t want or need to take a class to sing, serve God ad my community. I hate the hypocrisy and rigidity of not baptizing the children of unwed mothers — but praising the offspring of cheating men.

Children aren’t a sin!

I hate that churches hide money and wealth from the communities that need it and have become billion-dollar businesses and power centers that influence politics and policy. I hate the racism and division in our churches.

I’ve lost my religion — but my faith has gotten stronger in my belief in a higher power and humanity.

Thank you for reading.