Looking for a Roommate?

A comprehensive guide to finding your perfect roommate

My Roommate Resume

Over the past six years, I have had sixteen different roommates. Thankfully, I don’t have any horror stories, but some of the situations definitely turned out better than others.

My past 6 roommates have been amazing, and I attribute it in large part to knowing what I want from a living situation and how to find someone I will live well with. With 20/20 hindsight, I can see that the less than ideal living situations of my younger days could have been prevented with a few good questions.

As my most recent hunt for new roommates draws to a close, the questions and thought process I go through is fresh in my mind. By this point, my process is streamlined and I know what I’m looking for, so it makes the whole journey a lot easier.

We all have different hopes and needs when it comes to living arrangements, and until you have some practice in the arena, finding “the one” can feel daunting. Use my tried and true list of questions to help you find a safe and enjoyable arrangement.

The Awkward Conversation™

There is a necessary “awkward conversation” you need to have before you move in with one another. This is your chance to scope each other out and decide if the arrangement will work. This conversation is important even (read especially) when you’re moving in with a friend. Deciding if you can live well together is entirely different than whether or not you like one another.

Remember, if it’s a hard conversation before you sign a lease, it’s only going to get worse after you have.

Think of it like a business meeting; not a hangout with your bff. Friendship can blossom from living together, but only if you have healthy communication and boundaries in place. This is the time to start setting that norm.

Here is the comprehensive list of questions I make sure to cover before agreeing to move in with someone. Make sure you know your answers to these questions as well; that way when they say “what about you?” during the chat, you won’t be fumbling through “umms” and “ahhs.”

1. What does your relationship with your ideal roommate look like?

Do you dream of spending Thanksgiving together and going to the farmers market on Saturday mornings? Or would you rather have someone who keeps their headphones in while cooking dinner and wishes you a happy birthday without expecting to be invited to the party your friends are throwing?

There is a big range here. Some people want to live out their sitcom daydream and become best friends with their roommates; other people prefer coming home to a quiet, nice person who doesn’t depend on them for their social needs. Neither is right or wrong, but if you want a sitcom best friend and your roommate wants a quiet introvert, both of you will end up stressed and unhappy.

2. What are your expectations for guests?

This one deals with how the shared space will be used. Guests change the apartment’s dynamic. Throughout a year of living together, most likely guests will come over from time to time, it’s more a matter of how often.

Before moving in, decide if and how you will let one another know about guests coming over. Usually a “heads up” text does the trick, but make sure you have something in place that works for everyone who lives there.

3. What is your standard of cleanliness?

Some people get really stressed out by things not being perfectly in their place, while others deal with stress by leaving everything everywhere. These two ends of the spectrum will have a very hard time living with one another.

Most people are somewhere in between. I ascribe to the guideline of “keep shared space tidy and do what you want with your own space.” I have only had one roommate who stressed me out because of uncleanliness. Our living room was cluttered the entire time we lived together. We stayed together through the end of our lease and then both found new arrangements.

4. Are there any medical conditions I should be aware of?

If so, see if they would be willing to let you know what it is and how you can help them. This encapsulates both physical and mental health conditions.

5. Are there any allergens I should be aware of?

I didn’t eat peanut butter for two years because I had a roommate who was deathly allergic to peanuts. I knew this ahead of time, so I just chose to eat almond butter instead. It really wasn’t a big deal for me, while it meant the difference between a peaceful evening and a trip to the ER for her.

6. Do you hope to get a pet during the time we are living together?

If so, let them know upfront if you are open to that and whether or not you are willing and able to help them care for the animal.

7. Are they in a relationship and if so, do they plan on having their SO spend a significant amount of time at your apartment?

This one is similar to guests, but often people don’t think of the person they are dating as a “guest.” That’s a fair and honest oversight because of their relationship with the person, but to you they are still an unknown individual. It changes the dynamic of the space and it can become frustrating when they are virtually living there without paying rent.

8. Will weed, cigarettes, drugs, and/or alcohol be welcome at the apartment? If so, are there boundaries regarding usage?

For example, you may not want to have your roommate and their friends getting tipsy on a work night, but weekends are free game. Or you may get a headache from the smell of weed and prefer they use their vapes outside. It will be hard to change expectations once they are in place; it’s better to talk about it before hand.

9. How noisy of a person are they?

Do they enjoy blaring their music on speaker or would they rather pop in headphones?

Red Flags

Do not dismiss red flags. And I mean EVER. If something is a problem now, it will only get worse once you are living together. Breaking the lease is always an option, but it can be expensive, and if you’re moving in with friends it can make the friendship awkward. Avoid getting to a point where you need to break the lease.

One of the biggest red flags I look out for is whether or not the person is able to pay their portion of the rent. Your credit score is on the line and will tank if they do not pay their rent, regardless of your timely payment. Also, if it gets bad enough and you get evicted, your renter’s history will have an ugly scar. This will make renting another apartment in the future extremely challenging.

Notice if they are willing to compromise. One way this will often show up is in the decorating of shared space. Has the other person told you what it will look like or have they asked you what you think of their ideas? Notice as you are talking if they are listening well and wanting to find middle ground or if they are bulldozing over you.

Another red flag is neediness. This one can be hard to spot in the preliminary conversations, but challenging to live with. In my recent search for a roommate, I was talking with a girl who mentioned seasonal depression. This is a very normal experience for people living in areas that get less sunlight during the winter, and I have had great roommates who deal with seasonal depression. The red flag was because she was not making use of resources she had available to her for help. Although in other ways she seemed nice, I ended up moving forward with someone else.

When it comes to red flags, follow your gut. If something seems off, don’t go with it. It’s strange the way our subconscious works, but you usually “just know” if it’s a good thing or not.

Enjoy the Process

Living with roommates can be really fun. You get to know someone better, whether it’s someone completely new, or a friend you’ve had for years, the relationship has a chance to grow by living together.

I have an ex-roommate I moved in with after a single conversation. We hit it off immediately, and two years later, she is still one of my best friends. Other times you don’t get quite so fortunate, but you walk away learning something about yourself.

The single greatest thing I have gained from the past 16 roommates, is the ability to define my boundaries clearly and confidently.

Now excuse me while I get ready to move in with roommates #17, #18, and the 140lbs dog we will be sharing our house with.