Looking For A Balance In My Life

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911

Abstract

ken. There was little joy and an overwhelming emptiness.There were days when I wanted desperately to find a solution. I would grasp and cling to the tiniest speck of hope. Maybe this will help and I would do a dance with my emotions swirling landing here and then spinning away to the next speck.I could not focus and those specks of hope turned to dust and floated away in the breeze. My head felt like it was filled with fireflies with their tiny lights flicking on and off.One day, thankfully, I realized that I had to stop. It was no longer possible for me to continue on this way. My pysche was broken, splintered.I stepped away.My hope is I will heal myself, settle into a new rythmn where I can let go. I was trying to do everything and looking for ways to do more. Now I am attempting to accept that I cannot, not now.

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It is not easy to take a step back and I fight it all the time. I have lived under stress for two years. Today, July 11th is the two year anniversary of my husband’s strokes — the day everything in my life changed.Acceptance of all the changes and the new reality was difficult and I fought against it. The result was increasing stress which felt like an assault.Stress is a killer and it had it’s grip on me. Mentally I was a disaster and my health was taking a deep dive with my heart shouting at me to pay attention.So I am stepping back. I have not been writing but ideas continue to bubble on the back burner. As I ease through the summer months and enjoy the beauty of nature I will sit and read a book, enjoy my cat, and contemplate how I proceed.Maybe I will visit again soon through a poem or two.</article></body>

Looking For A Balance In My Life

Stepping back for a moment

Photo by Felix Mittermeier @ Pexels

Stepping back for a moment and taking a breath…a much-needed moment in time to gather myself and find a new balance.

“Every moment is a fresh beginning.” ~ T.S. Eliot

Over the last two years I have lost touch with who I am, feeling lost and helpless. I have tried to right myself. Perhaps I have tried too hard.

I kept hoping something would change and I would feel better but that has not happened. My mind kept spinning like an out of control engine — an engine that needed oil and would soon seize up and be left broken.

I felt broken. There was little joy and an overwhelming emptiness.

There were days when I wanted desperately to find a solution. I would grasp and cling to the tiniest speck of hope. Maybe this will help and I would do a dance with my emotions swirling landing here and then spinning away to the next speck.

I could not focus and those specks of hope turned to dust and floated away in the breeze. My head felt like it was filled with fireflies with their tiny lights flicking on and off.

One day, thankfully, I realized that I had to stop. It was no longer possible for me to continue on this way. My pysche was broken, splintered.

I stepped away.

My hope is I will heal myself, settle into a new rythmn where I can let go. I was trying to do everything and looking for ways to do more. Now I am attempting to accept that I cannot, not now.

It is not easy to take a step back and I fight it all the time. I have lived under stress for two years. Today, July 11th is the two year anniversary of my husband’s strokes — the day everything in my life changed.

Acceptance of all the changes and the new reality was difficult and I fought against it. The result was increasing stress which felt like an assault.

Stress is a killer and it had it’s grip on me. Mentally I was a disaster and my health was taking a deep dive with my heart shouting at me to pay attention.

So I am stepping back. I have not been writing but ideas continue to bubble on the back burner. As I ease through the summer months and enjoy the beauty of nature I will sit and read a book, enjoy my cat, and contemplate how I proceed.

Maybe I will visit again soon through a poem or two.