Great Jokes of the Western World — Life

Here’s Looking at You!

Life, death, and shortbread

Better never than late

I’ve been thinking about what I would like people to say about me at my funeral and finally decided it would be, “Hey look, she’s still breathing!”

They can’t see me coming

I went out to buy a pair of camouflage trousers. But I couldn’t find any.

Here’s rooking at you, kid

I like to spend my lunchtime playing chess with the old men in the park although sometimes it’s hard to find 32 of them.

Tired

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt that I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

Final solution

Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?

Keeping an eye on things

Walking in the park, I saw a frisbee in the distance. I wondered why it was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

No peaking!

I have a fear of speed bumps. I’m slowly getting over it.

Eyes to the left, nose to the right

I went to another meeting of Plastic Surgery Anonymous last night. It was good to see a lot of new faces there.

Me, chillin’

I’ll never forget my childhood summers. We would get some old tyres, wedge ourselves inside, and roll down the hill in them. They were good years.

Words fail me

I was kidnapped by a troupe of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts upon me.

With the right attitude, every pizza is a personal pizza

The Dalai Lama asked the server at the pizza restaurant to make him one with everything.

Full of beans

A man strides out of Starbucks one morning, smiling broadly at the world. “Wow!” says a passerby, “What happened to you? Win the lottery?”

The man shakes his head, still grinning like a maniac, “I’ve just been mugged.”

What’s that on the road, ahead?

This last year has been a bad one. So many deaths of famous people. So many great names.

Not to mention attending family funerals. That always gets me down.

So I’ve been thinking of my own mortality quite a bit recently. I want a funeral and a will that will reassure my family that I’ve thought of them and provided for one last adventure.

I’ve set aside enough for a family trip down Route 66, where they can bond, remember, and scatter my remains along the old road.

And, after the long trip from Chicago to LA, there’s some money earmarked for a day at Disneyland, where the last remnants of whatever’s left of me can be cast over the happiest kingdom of them all!

What’s that? No, I don’t want to be cremated.

I learnt this in high school

Not to get technical, but according to my Chem teacher, alcohol is a solution.

Going back for seconds

I ate a watch yesterday. It was time-consuming.

Tit bits

If you are fed up with other people, you may be a cannibal.

Eggs dividend

Little-known fact. Chicken soup can be bought in bulk at wholesale prices from the stock market.

Cookies disabled

Sad news out of Scotland.

Apparently, they are not making shortbread any longer.

Tomorrow we diet

I’m trying to stop eating Christmas leftovers. So yummy! So hard to go cold turkey.

The hook’s at the end

I have an extensive collection of Christmas candy canes.

All in mint condition.

Sore eyes

My instructor at chef school told us that onions were the only food that could make people cry. So I threw a coconut at him.

Mediocre joke. Only three stars

Looking up into the night sky, trying to pick out the constellations. Then I realised that Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.

In the dark

I stayed up all night trying to work out where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Britni

Collect the whole set!