#CovidChronicles — Toxic Relationships, Healing and Grief
#LongCovid, Healing and Fighting the Funky Fog of Grief
Healing choices — breaking the cycle of toxic relationships
I am blessed to be alive — I know this and every day I wake up I thank God and pray for the millions of people who are sick or mourning their lost loved ones. I haven’t written a lot about my Covid recovery because I’ve been busy getting back to work and resetting my priorities. I’ve been pushing through and actually got back to my writing routine.
Thanks to the excitement and motivation from new contracts, newfound peace and freedom, and the Pomodoro method (I’ll go into detail about that later) — I’m almost back on track.
#LongCovid and tough decisions
But it’s been hard, #LongCovid has been a constant reminder that this virus isn’t a simple or temporary thing. I was mourning my beloved brother-in-law when I was diagnosed and hospitalized with Covid.
I was also in a highly toxic relationship, but before I was rushed to the emergency room, I told the person, “ If I survive — I’m not wasting another breath arguing or another second in this relationship — so things need to change or this relationship needs to end.”
When I was released from the hospital, strangers and acquaintances showed me more kindness, concern, and compassion than my ex.
I chose my recovery and peace over pretending and trying to keep up appearances. It was one of the hardest and best decisions I’ve ever made. Yet, when any relationship ends — even bad ones there’s a mourning period and (hopefully) reflection.
Like typical toxic relationships, when I left — the attacks came hard and fast. No humiliation was going to deter me from my peaceful goal. So I braced myself for the personal and professional impact, kept my word and haven’t looked back. My freedom and healing are too precious.
I chose my recovery and peace over pretending and trying to keep up appearances. It was one of the hardest and best decisions I’ve ever made. Yet, when any relationship ends — even bad ones there’s a mourning period and (hopefully) reflection.
Now I had a double-dose of grief. I lost a loved one and now I was walking away from a person with whom we’d started to build a great life together (on the surface). We’d made some great connections and lots of friends. They were extroverted and I am an introvert who people assume is an extrovert in work and in social settings.
I knew separation would mean a lonely recovery because they’d win our “friends”, in the fallout, but that was the price I was willing to pay to live in peace and truth. India Arie said it best, “This is about my dignity and intergity…and being the same person inside as I act like outside is important to me.”
Healing is a personal journey and whatever path a person takes should be respected even if it isn’t understood. As long as someone isn’t hurting themselves or others, a person’s perspective, truth, and decisions should be honored. Nobody should be attacked or ridiculed for choosing their health and wellness first.
I was determined to heal on my own terms and I needed to prioritize my health and wellness. I have to conserve and use my limited energy for people and projects that bring me joy, strength, and positive outcomes.
Lessons and blessings
Covid has taught me that tomorrow isn’t promised and not to waste my time and talents on things that aren’t fulfilling or productive. This has been an interesting journey.
- It took almost a month to get my voice back and now I’m an octave lower.
- It’s taken almost 3 months to get about 90% of my taste and smell back.
- It’s taken almost 4 months to run more than one errand without getting winded and light-headed.
- I’m fighting the 2nd wave of severe insomnia which leads to fatigue and brain fog
I’m back to work and the cold, cloudy, winter days aren’t helping my mental state either. I’m like a plant — I love and thrive in sunshine.
Yet, freedom has helped me breathe easier and lightened my mental load. The spiritual light and fire that was flickering is now burning bright with hope, promise and positivity — even with #LongCovid on the coldest days of winter.
Mental and other health disparities
There’s been a lot of chatter about mental health because a celebrity is going through a public break-up and it seems like they’re not accepting the fact that their ex is moving on (while they are in another relationship).
A lot of people are blaming their erratic behavior on not taking their meds and saying that they’re too rich not to have the best treatment. I noticed the criticism is mostly coming from people of color outside of the US who have totally different healthcare systems.
A lot of people don’t understand that in America and sometimes abroad — money cannot and does not get you fair, professional treatment. Ask Serena Williams whose concerns were ignored while she was giving birth to her billionaire husband’s baby. Countless Black women and babies die due to medical bias and disparities.
I used Serena to point out the disparities in women’s health — but mental health is a whole other and severely worse issue.
Black people with mental health challenges or neurodiverse often have to suffer in silence or in the shadows due to the lack of resources, empathy, and safety in public, professional settings. Sadly some family and friends don’t understand either and have little compassion or patience.
Depression runs in my family. It’s funny what you can see in others — that you can’t or refuse to see in yourself. I knew my Mom was depressed…but I suffered from bouts of undiagnosed depression for years.
I called it the funky fog or losing time. I couldn’t afford health insurance for years, but once I was insured and started therapy — I was diagnosed and now I know I’m not the only one.
Covid induced depression is a little different. It’s partially brought on from a sense of helplessness, isolation, and uncertainty — at least that’s been my experience.
Conclusion (struggling with the ending)
Healing is a personal journey and whatever path a person takes should be respected even if it isn’t understood. As long as someone isn’t hurting themselves or others, a person’s perspective, truth, and decisions should be honored. Nobody should be attacked or ridiculed for choosing their health and wellness first.
I couldn’t heal if I was in constant pain and conflict — hiding from hard conversations and decisions. Covid forced my mouth open to breathe and say what needed to be said months ago and walk away. There wasn’t any time or room for anything else.
In spite of Covid and winter weather blues, I am in a much better mental space and my life has improved. I’m grateful for my journey, but I should have walked away sooner. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see clearer now.
Thank God for support groups like Body Politic that help people with #LongCovid feel seen, heard, and find resources. There are also weekly chats on Twitter Spaces from Tinu Abayomi-Paul for people with disabilities to chat, strategize and find local and national resources.
Thank you for reading.