Loneliness Can Help Us, but It Can Also Be Harmful

How We Find Our Balance

Loneliness has a very personal meaning and nuance for us based on previous experiences. For some, it feels like avoiding due to a lack of access to others, accurate contact with others, and meaningful relationships. For others, loneliness manifests as a desire to spend more time alone with oneself, and it is tolerated and sought after. We are social beings, and our relationships with others are critical. However, there are times when the presence of others does not prevent us from feeling lonely.

We learn the value of healthy relationships from the beginning of our lives. Our vitality, well-being, evolution, and development are all directly related to the relationship we have with our mother from conception. We are born into a symbiotic relationship with our caregivers, spend our early years reliant on them, and gradually grow and develop autonomy, learning to care for ourselves and set healthy boundaries in our relationships with others.

However, we face many relational challenges over time, and the conclusions we often draw from difficult experiences guide many of our subsequent decisions. Each person copes as best their know-how, and to that end, they develop a variety of emotional-management strategies.

Loneliness emerges as a protective mechanism, acting as a break from aggression or disappointment when we are hurt by people we trust. We are repeatedly hurt by the people who raised us or cared for us.

In these cases, solitude appears to be a protective solution that may be preferred over social contact. At the same time, this relational pattern can be repeated in adulthood, when we find unresponsive partners to our needs and experience more acute feelings of loneliness even when surrounded by others.

Similarly, if we find solace in loved ones and caregivers, we will experience separation in a painful and challenging way, and loneliness will be more comfortable for a shorter period. Loneliness can arise from the need to care for oneself in this situation.

The need to be self-centered, alone, and in touch with one’s own emotions and thoughts is necessary for individual development, defining one’s own goals, caring for one’s feelings, and gaining autonomy.

The beneficial effects of this type of solitude are felt through increased vitality, clarity, and direction in one’s thoughts instead of the sluggishness, grief, disappointment, or emotional emptiness that occurs when loneliness is defended as a defense mechanism.

Nowadays, people are lonely. There is increasing talk of an ‘epidemic’ of loneliness these days, but this is not supported by studies examining the issue. Even though we appear to be just as lonely as our forefathers, those affected dare to express their feelings of loneliness, perhaps more so than in previous years.

Every living being has a basic need for contact, and loneliness and solitude have complex psycho-physiological effects over time. Unfortunately, psychological or chemical methods of coping and managing these effects emerge, which do not help in addressing the root cause of loneliness but only in managing its symptoms.

People learn to tolerate loneliness, for example, by becoming very adept at maintaining long-distance relationships and meeting a need for contact in a way that feels safer. Still, they do not fully receive what they require in doing so. This safety zone, in which we maintain a distance from others, is interpreted as protection and stems from a fear of relating, of being vulnerable.

The more we become accustomed to loneliness, the more creative we become in bypassing our emotions and deceiving our essential human needs. The more lonely and even unavailable we will remain to those who wish to enter our lives.

Similarly, as long as we keep the emotional deprivations of childhood alive in our memories and maintain the protective mechanisms we have become accustomed to, as long as we do not heal unhealthy relational patterns, we will engage more strongly in feelings of loneliness.

Situations that cause us to feel more lonely and isolated We often need to be with someone, both in pleasant moments and in busy, demanding moments we are unprepared for. We may require someone to be physically present with us, someone with whom we can find solutions or share our feelings and perspectives, or someone with whom we can enjoy being present.

Loneliness is most intensely felt when our emotions can no longer be avoided and must be shared.

How do we deal with loneliness?

When people decide to take their own need for contact seriously, they have taken the essential step toward overcoming loneliness. Following that, it is critical to determine the most appropriate and straightforward method of reconnecting with another person. Some will find it easier to initiate contact virtually, in writing, while others may find it more relevant to start a video conversation or even face-to-face. Over time, the person must allow themselves to express their emotions or needs about the other person for the relationship to be as open and genuine as possible.

What we learn and how we feel as a result of forced loneliness

In times of crisis, our reactions are automatic, and the solutions we come up with to protect or balance ourselves are those that have previously served us well. Similarly, in the context of the pandemic, each person reacted and dealt with themselves as they knew best, rather than relying on old stress management patterns. When social distancing is understood correctly, it means accepting responsibility for oneself and limiting some aspects of interaction to protect oneself and others. At the same time, many people perceived the interaction as dangerous and saw distance as a protective measure from the other, as if the other were, in fact, the dangerous enemy.

When a person already has a conscious or unconscious fear that relationships can be dangerous or that danger comes from interaction with other people, information about the need for self-protection (with a mask, gloves, and proper hygiene) about the other was an actual trigger for anxiety. Following that, each person chose the most appropriate response to manage their stress: some emotionally isolated themselves, believing that total lack of contact meant more excellent safety, while others preferred to move in with other people very close to them, believing that they could be more robust.

In the current context, forced loneliness has triggered a series of automatic survival responses to adversity consistent with each individual’s life history. Once we have more intensely and visibly experienced the mechanisms we have about ourselves and others, it is prudent to begin working on repairing them where necessary so that loneliness and isolation do not develop with long-term toxic effects.

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