London Hairstylist Would Love To Take Her Scissors To Trump’s “Ghastly” Mane

Famed owner of Kensington Kutters, Vicki Langley, says she knows how to tame the president’s nasty war locks.

London hairstylist, Vicki Langley, discusses President Trump’s tresses as she works her snip-and-clip magic on a visiting reporter.

REPORTING FROM LONDON, ENGLAND, 6/4/17 — On Maxwell Road in the upscale Kensington neighborhood of London, Vicki Langley has been cutting the hair of the rich, famous, and fabulous for the past 25 years.

Like hairstylists around the world, the woman whose talent with tresses has put her scissor services in great demand in London would love to get Donald Trump in her chair and make some sense of that “strange fox pelt he calls hair.”

Langley called this look, “less than attractive,” and “too busy.”

“It’s not normal,” said Langley, “something’s obviously wrong up there. I don’t know if his scalp is covered with cowlicks, if he had a transplant gone awry, or if his hair is so processed it has turned to limp and lifeless straw, but I’d love to have a look and unveil this mystery.”

Langley founded Kensington Kutters more than two decades ago to be “kind to hair and body” using natural and organic hair and beauty products. She believes that harsh chemicals, as well as other substances, are part of Trump’s problem.

While Langley thinks the president’s hair is probably real, she has never seen so much “scalp action on a human being before — on sheepdogs, yes, on people, no.”

“I understand your president enjoys a golden shower from time to time,” said Langley, with a look of mild revulsion. “I am not going to judge any man’s fetishes or sexual perversions, but I can say from a professional standpoint that urine is not good for the hair, and can damage the follicles. It might also account for the strange color of Trump’s rather dreadful mop.”

Asked what she might do to improve the president’s hairstyle, Langley did not hesitate: “He needs to start over. I’m sure he wishes he had gone with a new look before the campaign, because now he’s stuck with that monstrosity on his head. A major change at this point would no doubt be too much of a distraction for his presidency. On the other hand, this wanker loves attention, so maybe a close-cropped presidential cut will be the next bit of drama out of the White House.”

Langley added that she has an opening between 3–5pm next Thursday if President Trump wants to book an appointment with her, “but he needs to call soon, because my schedule gets filled up very quickly.”

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Summarize

London Hairstylist Would Love To Take Her Scissors To Trump’s “Ghastly” Mane

Famed owner of Kensington Kutters, Vicki Langley, says she knows how to tame the president’s nasty war locks.