THE SKIN YOU’RE IN

Local Woman Is Doing Great Until She Doesn’t Get Her Way

Back to bed

Local woman, Susan Getswhatshewants is living the good life. Ask anyone. Look at her Facebook posts. Check out her house. It’s right out of Architectural Digest.

Have you ever seen such good-looking kids? Models. One of them is a professor at The Sorbonne. One is a talking head at CNN. The third gave her all those beautiful grandchildren who each have their very own nickname for her. Buba. Neenaw. Fifi.

Look how well she’s aged. That's what I call preserved! People are convinced she’s had plastic surgery, but the good kind — the kind that doesn’t change your face into some weird pinchy immovable Frankenstein forehead.

How has she stayed so svelt? Aren’t tall older women supposed to develop menopause bellies? She could wear a bikini. She could wear a thong. How did her butt not fall? She’s one of those women who walk around naked at the health club and you can’t look away.

Was she really 47 when she retired? Whose beach house is that on her Instagram post? Is that hers or where one of her children lives? Did her daughter actually marry that Senator who’s practically a Kennedy?

Look! There she is now. Uh oh. Someone cut her off at Starbucks. Didn’t they see her? Don’t they know who she is? She was there first. She’s not in a hurry, but — She has nowhere to be except at home, maybe do a few laps in her pool.

What is that person wearing? Gross. Oh my god. They’re just getting a cup of water. The cashier is not even charging that person. I guess everyone can do whatever they want now. To hell with civilization. She’s never coming here again. Not this Starbucks. This Starbucks doesn't care about its paying customers.

They let homeless people in front of paying customers at this Starbucks. And why exactly? Is that their business plan? Is this a homeless shelter? Is this Starbucks trying to tell her something? We don’t care about money here. We don't care about people with jobs or wallets.

Is this Starbucks' way of telling her, you don’t need a doppio macchiato as much as this homeless person needs a cup of water? In a plastic cup for god’s sake! How wasteful! How environmentally brutal! Is this the world is now? Why don’t they just give that person a straw!? Kill some dolphins while they’re at it?

Oh, now they’re taking her order? Too late, motherfuckers. She’s going home to rest. This has all been too much. Time for a Xanax and a redo. She’ll try again tomorrow, but today didn’t work. Back to bed.