Living with a Truth Teller

Do you have someone in your life who can tell you to your face that you are full of crap?

Especially when it comes to your religion du jour.

It was 7 pm on a Sunday. The strains of Mozart’s clarinet Concerto in A major wafted over the air. I was about to start my weekly radio show, “The Next Step,” on an Evangelical Christian station in Southern California. It was a call-in program where listeners would consult me as a psychologist about their problems in life.

That evening, my wife Kris painted the living room walls while listening to my radio program, as she did every week. Her attention was caught by an advertisement that aired just before my show. As she listened, the words she heard caused her to lay down her paintbrush in shock.

The announcement advised listeners who had businesses not to hire gay people.

When I returned home later that evening, Kris confronted me. “I heard an announcement on your show discriminating against gays. That is outrageous.” As Kris and I discussed the issue, I explained,

“I told the engineer not to play that on my show and move it to a later airing.”

Kris shook her head, rejecting my rationalization. “I don’t think you want to be on a radio station with ads intended to discriminate against others because of their sexual orientation,” Kris spoke the truth to me.

Still, I continued to resist her input. Why? First, I had so much skin in the game with this radio show. My program had been airing for nearly 15 years. The Arbitron Ratings indicated a growing audience. Moreover, I gained satisfaction from being a radio talk show host.

Her confrontation rattled me. I couldn’t shake it off. Eventually, I got her point and resigned, realizing I needed to take a principled stand. Still, I waited to act on my conviction. Instead, I futzed for a few more weeks, looking for a compromise. Throughout, Kris did not back off on her challenge. She reiterated, “The ads may not be on your show, but they are still broadcast on that station.”

Eventually, I yielded. I broadcasted my last show and resigned in what today I consider a less than courageous way. I did not object to the station’s management about their ads. Instead, I slunk off the scene after a clumsy farewell at the close of my last broadcast. The reasons I gave the listeners for my leaving did not address the point; instead, I said I was starting a new phase in life as a corporate consultant.

The only redeeming factor about quitting the show this way was that I made a definitive break from my religious Tribe.

At the time, I did not fully realize the gift of Kris’ truth-telling.

Eventually, I stepped back to look at the things that mattered, like taking a stand to affirm and protect a person’s sexual identity as his/her human right.

In the process, I also tore off my blinders, enabling me to see, for the first time, the true nature of my Tribal culture.

It was one of conformity.

Finally, I learned that silence is complicity.