Living Single While Happily Married

Learning to make the most of my reentry into living alone again

‘Your life will change forever.’

‘You won’t sleep anymore.’

‘You won’t have time to yourself.’

In spite of everyone telling me how life would be like after kids, I did what every newly married guy would do. Shrugged my shoulders and thought to myself that surely this wouldn't happen to me. I would plan and organize my days and train my baby to sleep on time.

On May 4, 2020, in the middle of lockdown, our bundle of joy was born.

Driving back home from the hospital in the middle of a rainy night with my wife Christina, and a deliriously crying baby in the backseat it finally sunk in. I was relinquishing control of my life. There would be a new boss in the house and I needed to play by his rules.

I slept when he allowed me to sleep. Alone time was few and far between. Juggling work and parenting was like working two full-time jobs. Conversations with Christina became more robotic and task-oriented. The millions of people whose advice I ignored were right. Life had changed. Forever.

Or so I thought.

Christina, my son, and I live on an island nation 11,0000 km away from the rest of our family. When the lockdown hit, New Zealand closed its borders to the rest of the world. As Covid-19 infiltrated the world, the borders never opened again for the rest of the year.

In 2021, we celebrated our son’s first birthday. He had not seen his extended family or his maternal grandparents. With each passing day, my wife’s cries to see her family in India grew louder. She had managed the first year of parenthood splendidly well but now it was time for her and the little one to take a trip back home.

It was nerve-wracking to send them back on a one-way ticket in the middle of a global pandemic. New Zealand had zero cases in the community then while Covid-19 was claiming around 100 lives a day in Tamil Nadu. Saying goodbye to my dear son was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I had no idea when the borders would open and when I would see them again but I took a leap of faith and trusted God.

After dropping them at the airport, I went back home. I stepped into the quiet house and it only took a moment to sink in. Three years after marriage I had reentered my single life again.

Learning to live with silence

There were no sounds except the refrigerator and the heater. The quiet of the house was uncomfortable at first but slowly I learned to appreciate it. Every morning I would leave for work and return in the evening to sit in silence.

It reminded me of a beautiful passage from Ryan Holiday’s book ‘Stillness Is The Key’ describing a monk’s experience with solitude:

‘There are few who are willing to belong completely to silence, to let it soak into their bones, to breathe nothing but silence, to feed on silence and to turn the very substance of their life into a living and vigilant silence.’

I could endure a few minutes of silence but to breathe and feed on silence and make that the very substance of my life seemed beyond reach.

When I stood at the bus stop, I noticed everyone around me wearing headphones. We are consumed by noise and sounds and cannot deal with the absence of it. Distractions abound in the form of YouTube, Netflix, TV shows, social media, and endless chatter.

Even the mind struggles with silence. Practicing mindfulness makes me realize the number of thoughts that are flying through my mind at any given time. Focusing on the breath seems impossible even if it's only for a minute.

If there is one thing I wish to do with my reentry into living alone, it is to get comfortable with silence.

Learning to prioritize better

There is nothing like having a kid to help you understand the value of alone time.

When you have a kid you learn to prioritize bullishly. Time is of the essence. Every minute you have to yourself is like precious water in the middle of a desert.

When living alone, however, it's easy to procrastinate. I find an enticing TV show and my mind goes ‘Maybe you should watch it for a few minutes and give yourself a break?’ Three hours later I finally tear my bloodshot eyes away. You get the point.

I want to be a full-time writer and my journey has started here on Medium. I have written close to 50 articles and poems on here with the occasional clap and an average of 50c a month. But I am not giving up. It is demoralizing to read stories of people complaining about earning only 500 dollars a month. I know I will get there one day but the first step is to prioritize my writing.

I have canceled my Netflix subscription and my new house has no TV signal. This is helping me focus on my writing. I recently bought a book on Amazon about making money on Medium written by Nicole Akers, and I have absolutely devoured it.

Every morning I write a list of all that I wish to achieve after my 9–5 job and prioritize the hardest tasks first. I often remind myself of this quote from James Clear in his book Atomic Habits:

Bamboo can rarely be seen for the the first 5 years as it builds extensive roots underground before exploding 90 feet into the air in 6 weeks.

It is important to believe that a lot of the work that you do behind the scenes will work out in the future even if you do not reap the benefits in the short term.

Learning to slow down and breathe

I read a book recently called ‘Hyperventilation Syndrome’ by Dinah Bradley. In it, she states that almost EVERYONE at some point in their life develops breathing pattern disorders. It's ironic that the one thing we have been doing all our life can still be done wrong.

In normal, relaxed breathing air enters through the nose and 70–80% of the work is to be done by the diaphragm (the area below the lungs). In hyperventilators and those with breathing pattern disorders, air enters through the mouth and most of the work is done by the chest and upper thoracic cavity. This leads to increased anxiety and stress levels.

One of the key triggers of hyperventilation is emotional upheaval. In the past year, we had a baby, I had changed jobs and dealt with the pandemic. Understandably, my breathing had suffered as a result. The 9 hours a day I spent slouched in front of a computer screen at work did not help. The pressure from my upper body on the diaphragm meant I became a ‘chest breather’ taking sharp, shallow breaths through the day.

Spending time alone has given me the luxury to learn to breathe properly again. Breathing retraining involves being fit, sleeping well, maintaining a good posture, and working on active relaxation. As an added bonus breathing retraining helps achieve and sustain an optimum level of physical and mental health.

Although the freedom of living alone is appreciable there are days when I miss my wife and son a lot. Working through house chores with my wife, holding hands when sleeping, and looking after Nivin together although tiring was fun. Sure there were times when we argued and complained but we always made up. It was seriously impossible to be mad at each other for longer than a few minutes.

I love it when Nivin jumps into my arms when I come home after work with a big smile. I love how he runs after me and enjoys playing with me. I love carrying him and planting kisses on his cheek. I love when he searches for me in the middle of a crowd and gives me a big smile.

And best of all, I love being a husband and a dad. Beats living alone. Every single time.