Living A Life Of Linguistic Madness

It's no laughing matter, then again, maybe it is.

Being married to a woman of a different nationality, I often feel like I am shacked up with a female version of Manuel the hapless Spanish waiter in Fawlty Towers. And I cannot quite make my mind up which of the gamut of feelings I go through is the most difficult to deal with. From the sheer frustration at her mis-comprehension of a few simple words or the hilarity of where her thinking leads her. Here is a sample of what I have to put up with.

Me:"You know darling, the thing I miss the most about the UK is a nice steak and kidney pie."

Her:"What is that?"

Me:"Well you know what steak is, yeah? It's beef. A cow....? A big animal that makes a sound like moooooo......?"

Her:"Ahhhh, ok. And the other, kidney, what is that?"

Me:"Well every animal and human has kidneys. They are internal organs located about here." I said indicating the position of my own kidneys.

Her:"What, you have a problem with your kidneys?"

Me:Nooooo......the kidneys go with the steak in a pie."

Her:"What, you want to eat your own kidneys? But if you cut out your own kidneys you'll die and will not be able to eat any pie, no? Are you stupid or what?"

Me: "No, you eat the kidneys of the animal with the beefsteak, in a pie.

Her:"What is pie?"

Me: "A pie is a pastry case where you put the steak and kidneys and then put it in the oven and cook it and and eat it."

Her:"What, you eat the oven with the steak and kidney in a case inside of it? Are you mad?"

Me:"No, not mad, but getting pretty close to it darling. Let's just have a little rice and sushi huh."

I swear I could not make this up. Here's another one, short and sweet.

Her:"Darling, can you please not put the drying rack here?"

Me:"Why?"

Her:"There is no why, you just don't do it. Ok? Why does there have to be a why? It's simple see, no why, no problem."

Me:"No problem darling, I'll just shut my big mouth and do it huh.With no why."

And sometimes it gets so convoluted it drive anybody nuts.I'm sat quietly having a cup of tea.

Her:"Darling, would you please not do that."

Me:"Do what, drink a cup of tea?"

Her:"What about the tea?"

Me: "That's what you do not want me to do, drink a cup of tea?"

Her:"I didn't say that."

Me:"Then what do you not want me to do?"

Her:"I didn't say I didn't want you to do anything."

Me:"What?"

Her:"No, what you? Who's What when he's home? What's what got to do with it?"

This reminds me a little of the 'Who's on first base routine of Abbot and Costello in 1953. Freekin hilarious but really frustrating too. Believe me,I'm living it.