Literary Confessions of a Sex-Positive Feminist

Why I read erotica, not romance

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty particular about who I take to bed with me — or what. If we’re talking people, I prefer there to be strong mutual attraction and respect. If we’re talking pyjamas, I like elegant satin or pure cotton. Breakfast in bed? You better bring me something decadent like a danish with a pretty teapot and teacup. If it’s sexy reading — give me erotica over romance.

Early Epiphany: My Life was no Romance Novel

Since my twenties, I’ve been very interested in sex and very interested in feminism. At twenty-three, I spent half a semester studying the romance novel in a subject on popular culture as part of my Arts degree. Except as an opportunity for feminist analysis, romance novels bored me.

I recall a guest speaker from Mills and Boon, explaining how they required romance novels to be written to a certain plot formula: the desirable Mr Aloof must be introduced by page seven, for example, and the first obstacle to their union must occur by a third of the way through the story.

I found this formulaic approach disturbing, as I believed in the reader’s individuality; what readers bring to the text. Equally, I believed in the uniqeness of human sexual responses and desires. For the romance heroine, the arduous attainment of a single orgasm (if she was lucky), coyly described in pastel-wash euphemisms as the climax of a romantic scene didn’t speak to my experiences of sex, relationships — or orgasms.

As a young woman from divorced parents, I was wary of committing too quickly to one man. My twenties were a decade where I sought a range of sexual dynamics, including monogamous relationships and openly dating several casual lovers at once.

At twenty-four, I had the horrific experience of being raped after a work colleague I barely knew escorted me home from a work function. Although it took several years, I eventually wrote a monologue about my experience, and performed it in independent theatre productions, which helped heal my trauma and encouraged other women to speak their truths around similar experiences.

At twenty-six, I fell passionately in love with a poet. During that relationship, I discovered Anais Nin’s classic erotica collection Delta of Venus and Tantric sex. I discovered there was a word for how my body responded sexually: multiorgasmic.

So, by twenty-eight, I’d experienced decent men and sexual predators, deep love and heartbreak, monogamy and non-monogamy, sexual trauma and sexual ecstasy; the dark and light of sexual dynamics and relationships. On no level could I relate to romance novels.

I knew I wanted more for the heroines — and more for myself as a reader.

Embracing Erotica: Why it’s not Anti-feminist to Want a Sexy Read

1. Erotica: A space to explore vicariously

Time for a literary confession. My appreciation for erotica and interest in sexuality eventually led to writing erotica under a pseudonym: publishing, blogging, editing and mingling in the erotica-writing community since 2011. Although focusing here on my perspectives as an erotica reader, writing in the erotica scene gives me deeper insight into the genre — and I want to share that with you.

Erotica is a literary space where a vast array of expressions of sexual desire are possible and permissible without judgement; a place to celebrate sexuality. For example, your partner often initiates sex, but you sense deep inside there’s a powerful woman who wants to take the lead, even dominate. Maybe you’re mostly heterosexual, but know deep down you’re a little attracted to women and fantasise about same-sex encounters. Maybe you’ve an inkling you’d like to explore sex toy territory, but aren’t quite ready to hit that online adult sex store with your credit card.

However, sex-positive erotica also has a clear morality code. Most publishers specifically prohibit morally repugnant or illegal sexual acts including bestiality, paedophilia, rape or incest. Although erotica can be subversive, it is predominantly ethical.

Erotica teases out our curiosity about sex — creating a safe space to explore. Whether you only want to fantasize about threesomes, or a night at a swinger’s club, or whether it’s something you’d like to actually experience, erotica allows you to vicariously live out more hidden sexual selves; to try them on, see how they feel. Reading erotica also may reveal new and unexpected turn-ons.

2. A genre unashamedly about sex

I’m sure we’ve all been in this scenario: skimming a romance novel trying to find the sex scenes. Maybe we’ve been disappointed by the so-called “steamy bits”. Why should we feel coy or ashamed in wanting to explore this vital aspect of relating, of ourselves?

Erotica wastes no time in getting to the core of its subject. Here’s some punchy openings from stories in Best Women’s Erotica 2014, edited by Violet Blue:

“The first time I saw him, I was on all fours on the bed, naked and gagged with my own panties.”

“In Threes” — Elizabeth Coldwell

“Jennifer thought her toy collection was a little excessive, but she couldn’t help herself. She’d amassed a bounty of equipment: dildos, vibrators, cuffs, whips, plugs, beads and various other oddities …”

“Toys” — Jade A. Waters

Written within a sex-positive framework, erotica often aims to question, subvert or reframe the shame associated with sexuality, liberating readers from these feelings. Sex as a focus is often for its own sake — characters don’t have to live happily ever after. Whether they’re stories about casual sex, virtual sex, adultery, consensual threesomes — the characters are on an adventure with sex at its centre.

Erotica revels in those sexually explicit details taboo to romance. As author Tobsha Learner observes in The Zipless Read, readers want to be “in the skin” of the characters.

3. The diversity of desire: Erotica as a sex-positive literary space

Erotica is a passionately inclusive, sex-positive genre, making space for all genders and sexual preferences: from heterosexual to LGBTQIA characters. Sex-positivity, both a movement and an attitude, is hard to define in a simple sentence, but it aims to unpack and question shame and judgement around sexuality, promoting instead pleasure and acceptance.

You’ll find stories featuring a variety of sexual lifestyles: polyamory, swingers, Dom/sub dynamics, monogamish, monogamous and open relationships — from first-time to committed longer-term perspectives.

Romance has a long history of being heteronormative, featuring conventionally attractive or beautiful (mostly white) women, or heroines initially described as “mousy” who, through finding Mr Right are transformed into a beauty (the tiresome Cinderella trope).

Erotica features characters of all ethnicities, colour and body-types, differently-abled, blind and deaf characters. They don’t have to be conventionally slim or beautiful to explore and fulfil their sexual desires. Unlike romance, erotica isn’t ageist, exploring desire during a variety of adult age and life phases.

With its complex focus on sexuality, erotica offers more scope for the reader’s individuality. Often, stories are written from lived experiences: the erotica community of authors are as diverse as the stories they create.

4. Erotica as sex education

Sexual preferences reveal aspects of our psychological drives. Sexual kinks can be an indicator of personality, or a path to heal from past traumas. The best erotica also gives psychological depth and complexity to the characters. As writers are often depicting what they know — there’s more than a little truth mixed in with the fiction.

For me, the glaring absence of multiorgasmic women in romance narratives became a primary drive to start writing erotica. I wanted to describe this experience for curious readers, and many of my stories feature women enjoying diverse orgasmic bliss.

I know erotica authors who are sex educators, kink lifestyle bloggers, sex toy creators, professional BDSM Mistresses. You’ll find stories describing genuine consensual BDSM relationships (unlike the problematic Fifty Shades depictions), exploring sex toys or lovers giving g-spot orgasms to their female partners.

I’ve received written feedback from readers, sharing they tried a scenario described in my writing— erotic dancing for their partner as foreplay, or masturbating with a mirror — thanking me for helping them overcome a layer of shame or sexual shyness. I’m sure most authors have their versions of similar positive feedback and this is an immense affirmation of erotica’s relevance as a genre.

Erotica can function as sex education, helping readers expand their sexual repertoire and sparking conversations between sexual partners. Personally, my lovers or partners have never said “no” to reading an erotica story— or being read to. However, they may not agree to couples therapy or a Tantric sex workshop. Erotica can be a fun and more subtle way of starting a conversation about sex.

5. Real-life reflections of sex

Erotica asks complex questions about consent, personal limits and relationships. It doesn’t just ask these questions of the characters, but of the reader, also. Erotica can have a sense of humour about the messiness and awkwardness of sex and explore the eccentricities of human sexuality.

Considering my sexual experiences, and that of many of my female friends, our lives and choices contradicted the passive nature of romance heroines and refuted the cultural myth that only by finding Mr Right could a woman live “happily ever after”.

For precisely these reasons, one of my favourite contemporary erotica writers is Tobsha Learner. She is mistress of erotic descriptive prose. Her writing is intelligent, witty and refreshingly relevant.

“It was the end of summer, a hot night when all of Darlinghurst goes in search of a party. The humidity gets under the skin and creates a sexual friction, and before you know it the streets are crawling with people in search of some kind of contact — the brush of fingertips, a kiss, anything. I was in huntress mode, adorned to swallow some man up.”

“Man of Sighs” in Quiver (2005)

Learner’s female characters own their choices and sexual experiences of and for themselves, not just as a path to the perfect relationship.

6. A genre with women at its centre

My empirical experience as an erotica writer was that the authors, anthology editors (often responsible for creating submission call themes), publishers, bloggers, and other associated entrepreneurs such as website creators and podcasters were overwhelmingly female.

A 2018 survey of author gender and genre suggests that at least 75% of authors in the erotica genre were women. Women’s pleasure and empowered female characters are often a primary imperative. Many authors including myself identify strongly as feminists and this influences the zeitgeist of what’s created.

Anthologies such as the popular Best Women’s Erotica series (Cleis Press) feature female editors and only stories by female authors. In the 2014 introduction, editor Violet Blue observes:

“The women who write these stories know exactly what they want. Our readers do, too. I know this because they tell me, more women than I can count, in every way they can communicate to me …”

This female-centred focus allows the series to become, as Violet Blue declares, a showcase for “what it looks — and feels — like when we demand more, more, more …”

We all deserve fulfilling sex lives and to be empowered by information about sexuality. Sometimes, I picture that younger me, frustrated by romance’s limitations, who wanted more for her heroines. I found it in erotica. Maybe that’s where you’ll find your “more” too.

Follow Melissa Coffey for thoughtful essays and provocative poetry & fiction. Not a Medium member? Join with my referral link to access all my stories & so much more. Find your voice & others you’ll want to hear.

Read More: