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e idea of losing that person. The same problems will be right there when the relief has worn off. I’m sorry, but if it wasn’t working and it was bad enough for you to leave, trust your gut. That’s not your person. I promise you the anxiety about losing them will wear off, and faster than you think.</li><li>Make a list of all the things that weren’t working out with them. Usually, it takes two to be miserable. I’m not saying you should be extremely negative about your ex, but if you’re pining for a saintly ex you never deserved, chances are you’re viewing it through rose-tinted glasses. Was it the perfect relationship, or were you regularly upset and angry because they never texted or called? Were they the nicest person you ever met, or did you dislike how they treated you when you were anxious? Were they far too good for you, or did they have their own problems and flaws? Being realistic is essential to letting go of the person: not the angel.</li><li>Sit down and make a list of all the other things you want to do. You’ve got ex on the brain right now: thanks, cortisol. But what else were your goals, ambitions, hopes, and dreams? Did you want to go to Italy in the summer? What’s the TV series you never finished? Did you want to learn how to play chess? What did you want to achieve at work? When’s that hair appointment you were excited for? Where are those new pens you wanted to try out in your sketchbook? What friends do you want to catch up with? I promise you: there’s so many things you have to look forward to. Don’t fall into the tunnel vision trap. They weren’t- and aren’t- your life.</li></ul><h2 id="21fb">How can I ever move on?</h2>You can, and will. I’m the most intense, emotional, loyal, passionate person you’ll ever meet and when I love, it’s for decades. It takes me years to completely stop caring about someone. I feel like I’m going to die when someone leaves me. So if I can honestly say I’ve got over everyone I’ve ever broken up with, you definitely can too. But I know it’s really hard. I’ve written about this at length in my other pieces- how to next text your ex again- but here’s some short tips;<ul><li>Absolutely don’t text or call them. At all. You have to block them, sis (or bro). I know you’re thinking, fat chance, but you must. Get through Day 1, 2, 3 and you’ll be amazed you ever found it challenging by Day 53. Every interaction will remind you that they exist and bring all those sad, warm, longing feelings back. If you want to move on, and you’re committed to, treat it like a diet, start a spreadsheet, and tick every day off towards your goal. You’ll forget you haven’t ticked off days before you know it. Seriously.</li><li>If you have to communicate (don’t if you don’t absolutely have to) get a mutual friend to relay for you or a family member. Tell them upfront not to pass on any bickering, any emotions, or any statements from your ex. This should strictly just be about bills, documents, and belongings. If you bring any emotion into it, you’re going to make it harder for both of you.</li><li>Avoid all your triggers that might make you feel deeply sad or reach out. Do not go to the park he first kissed you, do not read through his old messages, do not go speak to her friends, do not watch Bridget Jones, do not walk past his gym, and do not unblock her just in case she texts and says she loves you. No. Cut it off as much as you would heroin, a bottle of vodka, or gambling. Go ex-total.</li><li>Stay super busy. Do not give yourself a second to pause and be tempted. Really want to message them? Get up and do ten star jumps. Go do the dishwasher. Draw a spider holding a baton. Call Janine from salsa. Get really good at that make up tutorial. Go to the pub. Go to the gym. Start that screenplay. Get out of bed and talk to your flatmate. Whatever it is that will make you put down the phone and not get in touch.</li></ul><h2 id="8e09">Why am I reliving it constantly?</h2>Wait, what did you send them in that break up text? Where is that message? What was their response? How was it worded? How did they smile at the party? When was the last time you had sex? Your brain will be going round and round like a washing machine: you’re not crazy. You’re trying to understand what happened so you won’t feel this pain again: the same instinct you’d have if you were charged at by a mammoth. I know it’s temptin

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g to just try to shut it all off but it will pop up unexpectedly the more you try to press it down. Let the washing machine finish the cycle.<ul><li>Just let yourself dwell for a bit. It’s normal and everyone does it: you’re not going to be less sad by pretending you’re not thinking about it. Sit down and feel sad and go over it. You’re not ‘obsessing’ to have questions and sadnesses about what happened. As long as you don’t act on it (don’t angrily write your ex an email), it will help in the long run to have exhausted all your confusion and anxiety. If you don’t know the answer to something (did he ever love me?) then just tell yourself you don’t know. Don’t force a negative or positive narrative: the goal is to understand what happened, and be calm about it, not rewrite history.</li><li>If it’s too much and keeping you awake, speak to your GP about sleeping aids (mirtazapine or phenergan were my go-tos). You’ll be amazed how much your mental health bounces back when you’ve had enough sleep: sleep is so important for processing emotions and regulating hormones!</li></ul><h2 id="3545">When will I be happy?</h2>Probably sooner than you think. I know it doesn’t feel like that now — I see you opening your phone in the hope they’ve begged you to come back — but when you’ve really done the work on why you’re actually unhappy (probably the space of the person and the feelings of rejection, more than Barry being your one true love) healing becomes much easier. Talk therapy can be helpful for some people, but if it’s making you feel worse to discuss it and cry every week in front of a stranger, feel free to press pause or try someone else.<ul><li>Be kind to yourself. This is always a sad thing to happen to any human: whether it’s a divorce, or a break up, or realising your situationship must end if you want to find a relationship. Make sure you do things that are kind to you: get a new book, wash your hair with a fancy conditioner, congratulate yourself on going into work today, and don’t blame yourself if you’ve had a hard time not talking to Dave. You’re healing from a deep, painful wound.</li><li>Make sure you’re doing the basics. Not to be patronising but wash, sleep, eat, repeat. If you’re sleeping enough, your body will handle stress better. If you’re eating enough, and the right things, your body will have the nutrients it needs to regulate your hormones. If you’re washing properly, you’ll feel more in control and in touch with your own body. This will help you get better faster: try not to skip because you’re feeling worthless.</li><li>Set things in the calendar that you will enjoy. I’ve touched on this but babe, you need to accept you felt joy before, and you will again. I know you feel numb and monochrome now but the sun comes up in ways you haven’t even imagined yet. For me, I was drinking a Caramel Frappuccino near London Liverpool Street after having my nails done. The sun was a light warm yellow and it was late March, and I felt, intensely, that I was over the worst. That even though I was still in love, still heartbroken, still alone, life was okay. Get out there and find your caramel frappuccino.</li></ul><h1 id="75f1">Conclusion</h1>If you remember nothing else on this list, read this.You are not, and have never been, entirely dependent on whether someone wants to be romantically involved with you. Your happiness and joy is not, and has never been, dependent on whether someone wants to be romantically involved with you. Think about when you were a kid: what made you ridiculously happy? Ice cream? Climbing trees? Sandwiches at lunchbreak? School trips to the zoo? You know you were happy before: you can and will be again. You have family, you have friends, you have dreams, you have goals. You have things you want to do and people you want to do them with.Think about all that love, care, attention, and affection you have spent on your ex: and now, think about sharing it with someone who deserves that. Who wants it. Who is prioritises to you. Who wants to be with you. Who loves you. Don’t you want that? Don’t you want to move on and be with someone who feels that way about you? Remember, a day without the wrong person is a day you’re free to meet the right person.And someday, you will realise, how happy you are you walked alone in the gloom to find the path you needed to arms that loved you.</article></body>

Literally just broken up with someone? Here’s my advice (and the science)

I know: it’s horrible. But you are honestly going to be okay

I’m writing a lot about break ups this month: probably because it feels like everyone seems to be breaking up. I think the stress of the holidays and a desire for a fresh start in 2024 can push a flogged horse to breaking point. Regardless of whether you’ve left, or they’ve left, it is normal for it to be painful and scary to be starting out anew. I realised no one had really written about what to do straight after a break up: so here’s my advice and what to expect.

Why am I physically hurting?

You’ve got a sudden tightness in your chest and throat that you can’t get rid of: and it hurts. You feel like you’ve been kicked in the chest. Even if you’re the one who left! What’s going on? Your body is experiencing heightened androgens associated with stress and anxiety: namely adrenalin, ghrelin, and cortisol. This is very useful if you’re fighting a bear: less so if you’re living in a suburb with Jane. You don’t know what tomorrow looks like, or what your bearings are. What will make you happy now? What will you look forward to now? What if this is unbearable? It all feels overwhelming. But the good news is, this isn’t permanent. It will wear off as your emotional stress fades.

Sounds stupid, but deep inhalations, exhalations. I find the breathing square exercise on YouTube very helpful. If you’re watching it sobbing, don’t worry about feeling useless: regulating your body will help you calm down and process things.
Let yourself cry as much and as long as you want, and sleep it off. This will lower your hormonal response and get you back to normal faster. You’re not pathetic or weak or wallowing: you’ve just had a nasty shock or your life has changed dramatically. I know it feels like giving in to just weep; but it will work. I usually do this with a hot shower and then lots of warm blankets.
If you feel yourself panicking, say out loud what has actually happened and all the reasons you’re going to be okay. Is your life over and you’re going to die from the pain, or has Big Gary from Swansea said he doesn’t want to see you anymore? Are you never going to feel happiness again, or are you going to be unhappy for a while because of the break up? Are you never going to move on, or are you just reeling from a very sad situation? It sounds ridiculous, but physically saying “I am very unhappy that Gary doesn’t love me anymore, I feel really scared about being on my own, but I have been through a break up before and I know I will be okay” can help you calm down and process what’s actually happened.

How long does this last? Really it depends. I know people who needed a year or two to really get over a deep depression over a divorce, and I know people who bounced right back after a month or two; and it wasn’t always easy to tell who would do what. I think the critical factor is whether you can keep busy and move on from what was keeping you in that negative relationship.

Why do I immediately want them back?

Whether you left them because you found out that they were cheating, or whether they left you because they got bored, it’s nearly always, always horrible to start over without anyone else lined up (not that you should do that!). You know it is over: and you know you don’t want a partner who doesn’t want you anymore, or treat you the way you need and deserve. So why do you desperately want them back? Because change is scary, is the short answer. Your brain likes dopamine source familiarity, and safe behavioural patterns. All that dopamine and oxytocin you got from that situation has been cut off, and you’re gasping. Who will you text? Who will you get excited to see this weekend? Who will make your heart flutter? Who will want to cuddle you? It’s an alarming prospect to start over.

(If you broke up with them) do not withdraw the break-up and come running right back because it feels easier. You broke up for a reason, and your logical brain knows that. You were unhappy, and that unhappiness, or anger, still exists, even if you’re alarmed by the idea of losing that person. The same problems will be right there when the relief has worn off. I’m sorry, but if it wasn’t working and it was bad enough for you to leave, trust your gut. That’s not your person. I promise you the anxiety about losing them will wear off, and faster than you think.
Make a list of all the things that weren’t working out with them. Usually, it takes two to be miserable. I’m not saying you should be extremely negative about your ex, but if you’re pining for a saintly ex you never deserved, chances are you’re viewing it through rose-tinted glasses. Was it the perfect relationship, or were you regularly upset and angry because they never texted or called? Were they the nicest person you ever met, or did you dislike how they treated you when you were anxious? Were they far too good for you, or did they have their own problems and flaws? Being realistic is essential to letting go of the person: not the angel.
Sit down and make a list of all the other things you want to do. You’ve got ex on the brain right now: thanks, cortisol. But what else were your goals, ambitions, hopes, and dreams? Did you want to go to Italy in the summer? What’s the TV series you never finished? Did you want to learn how to play chess? What did you want to achieve at work? When’s that hair appointment you were excited for? Where are those new pens you wanted to try out in your sketchbook? What friends do you want to catch up with? I promise you: there’s so many things you have to look forward to. Don’t fall into the tunnel vision trap. They weren’t- and aren’t- your life.

How can I ever move on?

You can, and will. I’m the most intense, emotional, loyal, passionate person you’ll ever meet and when I love, it’s for decades. It takes me years to completely stop caring about someone. I feel like I’m going to die when someone leaves me. So if I can honestly say I’ve got over everyone I’ve ever broken up with, you definitely can too. But I know it’s really hard. I’ve written about this at length in my other pieces- how to next text your ex again- but here’s some short tips;

Absolutely don’t text or call them. At all. You have to block them, sis (or bro). I know you’re thinking, fat chance, but you must. Get through Day 1, 2, 3 and you’ll be amazed you ever found it challenging by Day 53. Every interaction will remind you that they exist and bring all those sad, warm, longing feelings back. If you want to move on, and you’re committed to, treat it like a diet, start a spreadsheet, and tick every day off towards your goal. You’ll forget you haven’t ticked off days before you know it. Seriously.
If you have to communicate (don’t if you don’t absolutely have to) get a mutual friend to relay for you or a family member. Tell them upfront not to pass on any bickering, any emotions, or any statements from your ex. This should strictly just be about bills, documents, and belongings. If you bring any emotion into it, you’re going to make it harder for both of you.
Avoid all your triggers that might make you feel deeply sad or reach out. Do not go to the park he first kissed you, do not read through his old messages, do not go speak to her friends, do not watch Bridget Jones, do not walk past his gym, and do not unblock her just in case she texts and says she loves you. No. Cut it off as much as you would heroin, a bottle of vodka, or gambling. Go ex-total.
Stay super busy. Do not give yourself a second to pause and be tempted. Really want to message them? Get up and do ten star jumps. Go do the dishwasher. Draw a spider holding a baton. Call Janine from salsa. Get really good at that make up tutorial. Go to the pub. Go to the gym. Start that screenplay. Get out of bed and talk to your flatmate. Whatever it is that will make you put down the phone and not get in touch.

Why am I reliving it constantly?

Wait, what did you send them in that break up text? Where is that message? What was their response? How was it worded? How did they smile at the party? When was the last time you had sex? Your brain will be going round and round like a washing machine: you’re not crazy. You’re trying to understand what happened so you won’t feel this pain again: the same instinct you’d have if you were charged at by a mammoth. I know it’s tempting to just try to shut it all off but it will pop up unexpectedly the more you try to press it down. Let the washing machine finish the cycle.

Just let yourself dwell for a bit. It’s normal and everyone does it: you’re not going to be less sad by pretending you’re not thinking about it. Sit down and feel sad and go over it. You’re not ‘obsessing’ to have questions and sadnesses about what happened. As long as you don’t act on it (don’t angrily write your ex an email), it will help in the long run to have exhausted all your confusion and anxiety. If you don’t know the answer to something (did he ever love me?) then just tell yourself you don’t know. Don’t force a negative or positive narrative: the goal is to understand what happened, and be calm about it, not rewrite history.
If it’s too much and keeping you awake, speak to your GP about sleeping aids (mirtazapine or phenergan were my go-tos). You’ll be amazed how much your mental health bounces back when you’ve had enough sleep: sleep is so important for processing emotions and regulating hormones!

When will I be happy?

Probably sooner than you think. I know it doesn’t feel like that now — I see you opening your phone in the hope they’ve begged you to come back — but when you’ve really done the work on why you’re actually unhappy (probably the space of the person and the feelings of rejection, more than Barry being your one true love) healing becomes much easier. Talk therapy can be helpful for some people, but if it’s making you feel worse to discuss it and cry every week in front of a stranger, feel free to press pause or try someone else.

Be kind to yourself. This is always a sad thing to happen to any human: whether it’s a divorce, or a break up, or realising your situationship must end if you want to find a relationship. Make sure you do things that are kind to you: get a new book, wash your hair with a fancy conditioner, congratulate yourself on going into work today, and don’t blame yourself if you’ve had a hard time not talking to Dave. You’re healing from a deep, painful wound.
Make sure you’re doing the basics. Not to be patronising but wash, sleep, eat, repeat. If you’re sleeping enough, your body will handle stress better. If you’re eating enough, and the right things, your body will have the nutrients it needs to regulate your hormones. If you’re washing properly, you’ll feel more in control and in touch with your own body. This will help you get better faster: try not to skip because you’re feeling worthless.
Set things in the calendar that you will enjoy. I’ve touched on this but babe, you need to accept you felt joy before, and you will again. I know you feel numb and monochrome now but the sun comes up in ways you haven’t even imagined yet. For me, I was drinking a Caramel Frappuccino near London Liverpool Street after having my nails done. The sun was a light warm yellow and it was late March, and I felt, intensely, that I was over the worst. That even though I was still in love, still heartbroken, still alone, life was okay. Get out there and find your caramel frappuccino.

Conclusion

If you remember nothing else on this list, read this.

You are not, and have never been, entirely dependent on whether someone wants to be romantically involved with you. Your happiness and joy is not, and has never been, dependent on whether someone wants to be romantically involved with you. Think about when you were a kid: what made you ridiculously happy? Ice cream? Climbing trees? Sandwiches at lunchbreak? School trips to the zoo? You know you were happy before: you can and will be again. You have family, you have friends, you have dreams, you have goals. You have things you want to do and people you want to do them with.

Think about all that love, care, attention, and affection you have spent on your ex: and now, think about sharing it with someone who deserves that. Who wants it. Who is prioritises to you. Who wants to be with you. Who loves you. Don’t you want that? Don’t you want to move on and be with someone who feels that way about you? Remember, a day without the wrong person is a day you’re free to meet the right person.

And someday, you will realise, how happy you are you walked alone in the gloom to find the path you needed to arms that loved you.