Listening — Not Talking — Is the Key to Comprehensive Conversation

Mind your manners at work and with friends

Being an avid reader and an obsessive music maniac, I learned about the importance of listening.

When you read a book, all you do is consume the words, but you can never interrupt the book to voice out your opinion. When you listen to music, the best you can do is sing-along but never, again, interrupt. Then, as a hotel salesperson, I learned that listening to clients is very important. They need to be assured that you are paying complete attention.

Conversations are two-way — it’s both listening and speaking. How well you react to the information you hear determines how the conversation will go. Either at work or with friends, a healthy manner of communication leads to better understanding.

My experience of listening at work

For years of being a salesperson, my job is to make a mark on clients. I may be representing a company, but I learned that no matter how elusive the hotel is if I suck at engaging clients, a sale is close to impossible.

The key has always been to become as accessible as possible. It does not necessarily mean to answer calls or texts all the time but to have that personality that does not intimidate so that clients feel comfortable to reach out. I have to be the friendliest face — always. That’s tough because who the hell is happy all the time?

The good thing is I learned to work around my emotions. Having a conversation with a lot of people is a way to set aside whatever I am feeling and focus my energy on communicating.

Based on experience, the success of winning a client is building a long-lasting relationship. When I analyze how I came to keep those people, I look back on how I dealt with them and the conversations we had.

The thing is I did not try hard to win their trust. What I did was listen and keep them talking. After all, it is all about them and what I can do for them. I paid as much attention as I could and pick from the things they were saying.

In the conversation, if they keep on mentioning their kids, I make a note to ask about the kids on the next visit. I learn to care for the same things they care about.

For a person who tends to be preoccupied a lot of time, this practice helped me focus on the present. Moreover, giving your sincere attention to the person you are talking to puts him or her at ease. Assuring them that they can talk to you creates the possibility of future conversations that can help you lead to a sale.

While talking to friends

Contrary to work, personal conversations are not always about the person you talk to. You have your own stories, opinions, and beliefs. Naturally, you want to tell these to your friends. But please do not expect people to agree with you all the time. If you are entitled to your opinions, so are they.

The fear of being judged is the barrier to having the most unusual conversations. I am fortunate to have friends who are excellent listeners. With these people, I am comfortable to tell whatever bothers me. One of our healthiest practice is asking, “Do you want my advice?”

Many times, people talk because they want to be heard. They need to express whatever they are feeling to somehow feel better. Giving them unsolicited advice may only confuse them or make them feel misunderstood.

Now, if you are that person who wants to express something, it is also good to check the other person whether it’s okay to talk. No matter how close you are to someone, it is inconsiderate to text or to call and immediately rant. What if the person you’re calling is just as stressed? What does that make you?

My biggest pet peeves are people who are always online talking to friends on Messenger, actively commenting on Facebook and Instagram, tweeting all the damn time but suck at personal human-to-human conversations.

I find it disrespectful when a person is actively talking, and the other is “listening” but at the same time busy on his mobile. How rude. If you can find the words to talk about on social media, what’s keeping you from talking with the person in front of you?

To Conclude

I am particular in listening with manners because I want to practice healthy conversations. I dream of a time when people are gathered and talking, instead of gathered but bowed down to browse their phones. I want people to listen to each other to achieve understanding.

What I mentioned is far from high standards. This is only some kind of a reminder that conversations are our privilege as humans. We better take advantage of this privilege but not abuse it.

Thank you for reading.