Listening For (A) Change

Powerful Listening Transforms the Listener and the Listened To

In general, we humans are hopelessly self-absorbed. It’s not so much that we are conceited, as much as we are fascinated with ourselves. It’s not a mystery. We are the only person living inside our skull. So it’s understandable that we obsess over every minute detail of our lives. We are the only child of our consciousness. And, our ego is a hover mother.

This innate separation from others fuels a deep hunger for connection. It’s that hunger that drives humanity to overcome this deep-seated sense of separation. Our cultures (songs, literature, poetry, movies, art, religions and much of our politics) try to cultivate a sense of connection, of shared experience, and shared identity. We all revel in feeling like we are part of something bigger. We all cherish those moments of being seen, being heard and being gotten. These are the times where we feel like we’ve connected with others like we’ve opened a door in our skull and shared an experience with another.

It is this unique relationship that we have with ourselves that makes us prone to being self-absorbed. So we must make a conscious effort to overcome this bias. We must recognize this skewed perspective and extend a selfless listening to others. We must understand that everyone is in their own bone bubble. And, in general, people are struggling mightily with the challenges of being trapped in their skull all alone. We must see how we are all alone together.

This selfless listening must be keenly unfiltered. This listening has to occur in the absence of our judgments, assessments, distinctions and categories. We must silence the machinery of our minds in order to perceive other people authentically. We must be in a state of discovery with the other person. And true discovery demands the absence of expectations, the dropping of judgment, and freedom from our fears and anxieties.

So how do we know that we are listening selflessly?

Signs That You’re Listening Selflessly

1. You are not aware of time. You aren’t thinking about where else you need to be, or what else you need to be doing. You don’t check the time. You’re just here. Now.
2. You are not aware of yourself. You’re not distracted by your appearance, or who’s walking by. You don’t fidget or check your phone. You are 100% tuned into every gesture, expression and nuance of the person you’re listening to.
3. You are not “constructing” anything in your mind. You’re not checking off what’s true or false, or what you agree or disagree with. You’re not making a list of points that you want to make or refute after the speaker pauses. You are not judging what’s being said. You’re just listening intently, fully.
4. You are responding genuinely, whether verbally, emotionally or with your posture, expression or gaze. You are letting yourself be affected by what they say. This is not TV. This is not a forced or mechanical reaction. You’re being open, sensitive and responsive.
5. You are not planning to fix, manage or dispose of anything. The central experience here is letting the other person know that they have been heard. You want to make it palpable that they have been listened to compassionately, devotedly, without judgment and without comparison, with no agenda or selfish motivation.
6. When we are listening in deep connection with another, we become more attuned and sensitive. We may notice micro-expressions or the tiniest of nuances of the other person. Or we may even get glimpses into ourselves. Selfless listening stills our mind. And that stillness allows us to see and hear things we cannot notice with a noisy mind.
7. The other person is likely to be more candid, more emotional or more expressive. We know when we are being listened to selflessly. We luxuriate in the space that’s been made for us. And we will likely reciprocate the generosity shown to us.
8. The other person should feel heard like someone really got what they were trying to say. It’s transformative to be truly listened to. They should feel like something has moved like a weight has been lifted. They should be more connected, more at peace, for having been sincerely listened to. They very likely will thank you for your act of generosity.

Such powerful listening is rare and supports remarkable conversations. And remarkable conversations make for extraordinary connections and uncommon bonds. Give selfless listening a try. Your amazement is guaranteed.

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” — Simone Weil

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