List — A Divorcee Compares Men to Shoes in Her Closet

Summary

The article humorously compares the search for the right man to selecting the perfect pair of shoes, with each type of footwear representing different kinds of men and relationships a woman might encounter post-divorce.

Abstract

In the article titled "A Divorcee Compares Men to Shoes in Her Closet," the author uses the metaphor of trying on various pairs of shoes to describe the process of dating after a divorce. Each shoe type symbolizes a different archetype of men: Jimmy Choo's represent wealthy but shallow men akin to a celebrity like Leonardo DiCaprio; athletic shoes are likened to young, fit personal trainers who offer a temporary boost in self-esteem; Vans are compared to carefree, immature younger men; flip-flops are seen as convenient yet unreliable partners; Birkenstocks symbolize comfortable and practical men who may not be around during tough times; Tevos men are environmentally conscious to a fault; Naturalizers are the reliable but unexciting "no frills" guys; Dansko's are equated with smart, practical, yet potentially workaholic men; Uggs represent the ultimate comfort and versatility in a partner; and going barefoot is a metaphor for embracing independence and feminism without the need for a partner.

Opinions

High-end designer men (Jimmy Choo's) are seen as attractive and socially desirable but superficial and potentially unfaithful.
Athletic and fit men (Athletic Shoes) are considered short-term partners, beneficial for a confidence boost post-divorce.
Younger men (Vans) might lack maturity and are best suited for casual relationships.
Flip-flops are regarded as the least reliable partners, only suitable for brief, casual encounters.
Practical yet seasonal men (Birkenstocks) are comfortable and supportive, but their commitment may wane when situations become challenging.
Environmentally extreme men (Tevos) are admired for their sustainable lifestyle but can be overwhelming in their eco-conscious practices.
The "no frills" guy (Naturalizer) is reliable and steady but lacks excitement and depth in conversation or personality.
Practical and intelligent men (Dansko) are seen as good providers but may be too focused on their work to maintain a healthy balance in a relationship.
Comfortable and versatile men (Uggs) are considered the ideal balance of comfort and style, making them the ultimate partner choice.
Embracing independence (Barefoot) is celebrated as the ultimate expression of self-sufficiency and feminist empowerment, rejecting the need for a partner to feel fulfilled.

List — A Divorcee Compares Men to Shoes in Her Closet

You know what they say, you’ve got to try on a lot of shoes before you find the right pair.

Jimmy Choo’s (or really any high end designer brand) — Just like most women have no Jimmy Choo’s in their closet, most women have no access to this man. The Leo DiCaprio of men. He is wealthy and very well dressed. He looks good on your arm at a cocktail party. He’s great at conversation but doesn’t have much depth. He is more interested in how he looks than how you look — and will likely abandon you for a 23 year old at a moment’s notice. Which isn’t a bad thing — 23 year old feet can handle Jimmy Choo’s better than 46 year old feet.

Athletic Shoes — That hot personal trainer you need to help regain your self esteem post-divorce. Young and fit, he keeps you on target for your workouts. The relationship only lasts about six months or until your personal training subscription is used up. Has to be replaced often as there are scores of divorced women are lining up to train with him.

Vans — hip, young and free. Reminds you of you in your twenties. The ultimate mid-life crisis shoe. Or man. He’s not yet 30. Lacks maturity — will leave you feeling like you’ve got another child. Only good for one night stands.

Flip-flops — only good when it’s so hot out you can’t go barefoot on your driveway or if you need something on your feet to walk into yoga class with. Call in an emergency only.

Birkenstocks — super comfortable and practical during the summer seasons. Impossibly impractical during the winter. Suddenly decides to agree that you are a strong feminist woman after the first snow fall and leaves you to dig yourself out of two feet of snow.

Tevos — Note: I don’t currently own, nor have I ever owned, a pair of Tevos. The Tevos man has a beard that would make Grizzly Adams envious. Under age 40. Likely, lives in a log cabin off the grid with no electricity. Repurposes all trash and recyclables into something useful. Despite your love for the environment you find his approach over the top.

Naturalizer — the no frills guy is just like the no frills shoe. Perks — has a steady office job. Clean. Reliable. Polite. Never discusses politics or religion or, really, anything controversial. Drawbacks — he’s just not terribly sexy or exciting at all.

Dansko — super comfortable and practical. Smart. Not flashy. Reminds you that you should have spent your entire college career studying in the Medical School Library instead of not studying at all. Perks — doctors make good money. Drawbacks — he’s a workaholic.

Uggs — once you try on your first Ugg your foot is in heaven. These shoes are easy to put on and comfortable to wear. While some Uggs are more attractive than others, if you look hard enough and you will find a boot chic enough to wear to a business dress event yet comfortable enough for you to feel like you’re wearing slippers all night long. The ultimate 24 -7 shoe. There are few drawbacks — an Uggs guy just fits.

Barefoot — wave that independent feminist flag high, girl! You fully feel the ground beneath your feet. You feel the sun on your skin and you are ready to show the world that no pair of shoes or man is going to box you in or hold you back. March on barefoot warrior, march on!