Limerence (Person-Addiction): My Journey to Recovery

From obsessed to blessed.

I thought I was uniquely crazy when I described my obsessive pattern in my SLAA meeting, and nobody could relate.

This is how I explained it to the other ladies around the table:

Ever since I was a kid, there’s been a pedestal in my brain, where one dude sits.

I don’t get to pick who, but he becomes the object of my fantasies and obsession.

Eventually, something will happen to eject him from the pedestal, which might just be a replacement.

I have no control over when this will happen or who the next will be.

Once they’re out, they aren’t hot to me anymore. They instantly go from being a perfect god in my mind to being nothing.

Usually, I don’t even know the guy when he gets into my head. He’s never the type I would choose for a relationship. He is typically emotionally unavailable and unattractive. But I want him to want me. Sometimes, I need him to want me.

I get high from the tiniest attention from the magic guy, such as eye contact. I get low from the tiniest rejection, such as no eye contact.

When I explained that, I assumed someone at the meeting would say, “Yeah I get that”. The ladies empathized with me, but they couldn’t relate. So I thought, “Damn, if this isn’t a thing that Love Addicts get, then it must only be me.”

How My Obsessions Progressed

As a teen, I thought obsessing about people was normal. I wrote poems about the rollercoaster of obsession. But as I neared my 20s I realized that this isn’t something that everyone experiences.

When I got married I looked at it like, my husband had his porn and I had the dude in my head. Porn doesn’t do much for me, but I could always get off to fantasies of whoever my current obsession was.

In the first years of my marriage, the dude in my head was an easy one: Adam Sandler. Talk about unavailable ha! I didn’t even have to try not to succumb to temptation. I just wore out my Billy Madison movie.

After a few years, Sandler’s spot in my head was replaced by a co-worker. I got high from his eye contact for over 2 years. We never spoke until my last day on the job. I walked up to him and said, “I wrote a song about you. It’s called ‘Dirty Dreams’. It’s on YouTube. Here’s the link.”

I can be way too bold.

The next obsession, well two, that was the only time that two dudes ever shared my brain seat. That was Bret & Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords (comedy musicians). I wrote a dirty song for them too and posted it on YouTube hoping they would see it. That one’s still up.

I got even worse with my 3rd & final celebrity obsession. I lined up for a photo op with him after his comedy concert, and then I grabbed his package. It wasn’t an assault, I did get consent first. I asked him if I was allowed to grope him for the picture. He said I could do whatever I wanted.

I figured it was ok to ask since he writes songs like, “Show Me Your Genitals”. My husband was obviously not impressed when I proudly showed him the photo. But he’d heard my Flight of the Conchords song. He knew I had celebrity obsessions.

Of course, I wrote a song about it. Then I felt like it was a stupid song. So I deleted it, but the embarrassment of thinking Jon Lajoie might have seen it, ejected him from my pedestal seat.

I haven’t gotten off easy with it being a celebrity since then. Celebrities felt safe because they didn’t offer to shag me, and they were too distant to reject me and give me painful lows.

The Problems Increased

I didn’t look at having a person in my head to be a big problem until I turned 30. I thought it was just a comfort. When I was stressed, I could escape into a fantasy of my obsession. It was an effective coping mechanism for me.

But my 30th birthday was the first time that the object of my obsession wanted to hook up with me. That was the first time in my marriage that I succumbed to temptation. I felt like I couldn’t possibly say no to the one in my head. Anyone but him. He has too much power over my thoughts and feelings. After that shameful one, I got sober from alcohol, hoping that would give me more self-control.

There were a few more obsessions I went through before I found sex and love addiction recovery. Some were so painful.

The Ninja Turtle Ghoster

When I entered SLAA, the dude in my head was a brutal one. He was originally a co-worker that I happily obsessed over for 9 months without consequence. Good ol’ eye contact was getting me by.

But I’m as subtle as a toothache, so whenever he’d notice the wild look in my eyes, he’d talk about his girlfriend. That felt safe. I was glad he was faithful. I wanted to be too. I was happy to just keep him in my head. Getting him was never my goal. He was just my fantasy. My husband was my lover.

But that episode didn’t end by walking away and leaving him with a song. After 9 months of obsessing, his girlfriend broke up with him and he came to see me. My first thought was, “Fuck. Now I’m screwed.”

It felt impossible to say no to him. We had a summer affair and then he ghosted me, yet he continued to be the guy in my head for 3 more years before I made it to SLAA. And then he stayed on my pedestal for over a year into my recovery.

I would scan men’s calves, searching for his ninja turtle tattoos. I rehearsed in my head what I’d say if ever I saw him. I didn’t know then, that I was only feeding the obsession by entertaining those thoughts.

I Found My SLAA Group

When I entered sex addiction recovery, and no one quite knew how to tackle this, I was just grateful that the person living in my brain wasn’t someone currently in my life.

I made my “Sexual Boundary Plan”, and it felt entirely doable. I was so ready for change. I felt like I could stop every unhealthy behaviour on my list, with just one fear: the seat in my head.

If that ninja turtle ghoster were to come back, I knew there was no chance I could turn him away. The other scenario I thought could derail my recovery, was if someone I’m in contact with took over the residency in my brain. It didn’t feel very difficult to resist sexual temptation from anyone, except the chosen one.

It Was Going Well…

I was holding pretty strong in my recovery. At 18 months of sexual sobriety, my marriage had not begun to heal yet, but I was healing. I was leading the meetings and being an inspiration. And just when I was feeling like I had a real handle on it, someone new fucking took over my brain seat. Dagnabit.

It was a cleaner at my workplace. It seems that over the years my brain’s occupants have continually gotten more reachable. I could feel the obsession building and that’s when Covid hit. Phew. Saved by the virus.

My sister was worrying a lot about my health because of the auto-immune disease that karma gave me. I used her concern as an excuse to stay home from work, pretending I was worried too.

Truthfully, I just wanted time to figure out how to stop the obsession before it got worse. But it didn’t help that I found the cleaner making music on YouTube. I can get a little stalkerish with an obsession.

I stayed home for 5 months working on self-care and reading all kinds of methods of how to stop obsessing. I began a daily yoga practice. I wrote down all the stop-obsessing tricks and tactics I could find, but still found myself rubbing out to his YouTube videos, then shaking my head at myself. I wrote a song about trying to stop masturbating over him.

When I returned to work after 5 months of trying to cure it, my obsession had only increased.

He mentioned he was switching to dayshift, I thought I’d never see him again, and that gave me a strange fear of loss. So I went up to him and said, “I wrote a song about you. It’s called ‘Once More’ It’s on YouTube, here’s the link.”

I still shake my head at myself.

Right after that, my brainseat replaced him. He loved the song and came to me for play, and I had no problem turning him down. If he had come to me before he fell off my brain seat, it would have been a different story.

But he wasn’t the one with magical qualities anymore. I was already on to my final bad one…

The Final Ass

The bloody Mountain Man. This guy gave me extreme highs and lows for a year and a half. He played games with me and I could not quit him. I wrote him off twice but then I felt like I was dying whenever I would see him at work. It felt like I had to get him back in my world again so I would be ok. And that’s what I did.

One day, I was reaching out on a Love Addiction Facebook group during one of my extreme lows with him, and someone mentioned the term “limerence”. I looked it up. Here’s the Oxford definition of limerence:

the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

Eureka! I Am Not Alone!

The definition resonated with me, and within a few clicks, I found Facebook’s “Limerence Support Group”.

When I was scrolling down the page I felt my body fill with validation and excitement. Yessss, I’m not uniquely crazy! There are others who also have a pedestal in their head, running their lives too!

My excitement turned to despair as I continued to read the posts.

I wasn’t seeing the recovery success that I was used to seeing in my alcoholism and sex-love addiction groups. Mostly, what I was seeing was people struggling. Many were either trying to replace their obsession with someone new or trying to figure out how to get their person to love them.

While I enjoyed the language like the guy on my pedestal seat is referred to as my “Limerent Object”, that new knowledge didn’t actually solve anything for me.

Then I read online that limerence looks like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder on a brain scan. That completely deflated me. The thought of changing the appearance of my brain sounded impossible.

The most common advice that I saw in the limerence support group was: “No contact”. But damn, remember that ninja turtle ghoster who lived in my head for over 4 years of zero contact? I didn’t have even a photo of him, but that didn’t make it stop. The seat eventually just transferred to someone else, so what good did “No contact” do for me?

I Gave Up

Armed with everything I learned, I felt that I was no match for limerence.

So I went to my husband and told him it was over. I told him that I cannot win this fight.

He didn’t believe me.

“I’ve watched you beat alcoholism, quit smoking, and kick weed. I’ve seen you celebrate 2 years of Sex & Love Addiction Recovery. And now you’re just gonna give up? If anyone can beat this, it’s you,”

That was a great supportive attitude from my husband, so I bought books on limerence and I kept going to my SLAA meetings, but my limerent object was still in the driver’s seat and I wasn’t feeling hope for recovery. It felt so much bigger than me.

I told my husband again that I can’t do it. I pleaded with him to save himself from my mental sickness. He deserves to be with someone a million times better than me.

“We’ve been together over 20 years,” he said, “just give it a few more months.”

I agreed, but I didn’t know what good a few more months would do.

My Awakening

A month later, I had my big awakening. Remember that karma disease I mentioned earlier? Well, it came at me with a vengeance. I was hospitalized for days with heart and kidney concerns. My husband was by my side pretty much the entire time. He even climbed into my hospital bed on the 3rd day and we watched movies together on my tablet. It was awesome.

I began to shake my head and ask myself “What the fuck are you doing?! You are throwing away a very patient, loving, wonderful husband because you don’t think you can beat an addiction?! What are ya?! What is most important in your life?”

“You’re right, brain! I am not going to let limerence win. I’ve come too far. I have too much to lose.”

My New Life

As soon as I was released from the hospital, I got myself a different job. It was totally worth the big pay cut and even worth losing a position where my bestie was my work partner.

I wrote that mountain man a long, embarrassing goodbye message. He responded with 2 words. The humiliation I felt about that, made him fall off my pedestal. Hey, that’s interesting. Embarrassing myself has knocked someone off my pedestal at least twice.

Anyway, getting him outta sight was a must for me. What also helped tremendously was redirecting all my obsessive energy into my childhood passion: writing. I’ve been reading & writing like wildfire ever since. It’s a much healthier coping mechanism. And it’s perfectly safe for me to obsess about! Which I absolutely am.

Obsessing about writing makes me feel empowered!

Obsessing about guys made me feel unlovable.

Am I Cured?

I wish. I had solid hope that chasing my lifelong writing dreams and leaving that asshole in my dust would cure my limerence. I hoped no one else would ever live in my head. But a co-worker at the new job quickly took occupancy on my pedestal.

The first time I saw him, he jumped right into my brain seat without saying a word. I could feel it, and it scared me. But I’m not going to let it win. I don’t know why my brain chose him immediately. My best guess is that my subconscious can sense his trauma, maybe he also has intimacy issues, who knows.

I’m not going to indulge.

I won’t fantasize about him. I won’t use thoughts of him as an escape, and I definitely won’t write a song about him.

Two Wolves

There’s an old parable that I’m using as a strategy in this recovery journey. The message, in a nutshell, is that when dealing with our own right vs. wrong behaviors, the wolf you feed becomes the most powerful one.

So every day, I choose to feed my recovery wolf with mentally healthy thoughts and actions. I’m not going to feed my obsessive wolf at all. I hope he starves to death.

My marriage is healing now too. I feel closer to my husband than ever. With this recovery journey, I have gained the ability to be fully present. Without anyone in my head stealing me away from enjoying my life’s moments.

I am now experiencing inner peace and joy like I haven’t felt since childhood.

The best piece of advice I have to offer fellow limerence sufferers is,

“Feed the right wolf.”