Summary

Emma Holiday, a transgender individual, articulates the profound pain of gender dysphoria and the societal challenges faced by transgender people, while expressing hope through personal courage and the potential for societal understanding.

Abstract

Emma Holiday describes gender dysphoria as an isolating condition that causes constant suffering, comparing the social stigma of being transgender to historical attitudes towards leprosy. Despite the fear of rejection from family and friends, Emma finds solace in the possibility of a medical transition, which is preferred by society to be kept silent. The article emphasizes the need for courage to overcome fear and isolation, and the belief that sharing personal experiences can foster understanding and bridge the divide between transgender individuals and the broader community. Emma's writings serve as a form of therapy, aiming to process personal thoughts, connect with others in the transgender community, and educate cisgender individuals to foster acceptance and normalcy.

Opinions

Gender dysphoria is a pervasive and unique form of pain that is not understood by those who do not experience it.
Society's preference for transgender individuals to suffer in silence rather than seek medical transition reflects a desire for simplicity over empathy.
The author feels that coming out may lead to a lack of empathy, understanding, and acceptance from friends and family.
The pain of gender dysphoria is compounded by the fear of social rejection, creating a dual struggle for transgender individuals.
Courage is seen as a necessary tool to combat the fear and shame associated with gender dysphoria and to assert one's true identity.
The author's writings are a therapeutic means to cope with their experiences and to reach out to others, both transgender and cisgender, to foster a greater sense of understanding and acceptance.
There is hope that with courage and openness, the world can become a less divisive and more accepting place for transgender individuals.

Lighting My Candle

Gender dysphoria inflicts a very unique kind of pain and isolation. Even in a crowded room filled with family and friends you are alone and no one has a clue that you are suffering. The world of gender dysphoria is a 24/7 experience. It is an ever-louder alarm bell that tells you something is medically very wrong with you but, in the world that you live in, no one wants you to cure the problem.

You are transgender.

Being transgender is like a social leprosy. A hundred years ago, if I had leprosy, I would have been ferried to an island somewhere to be isolated with the other lepers for the rest of my life or simply I would have worn a bell around my neck to warn the everyone that I was coming. I would have been shunned by family and friends. Even worse, in some places I would have been killed out-right.

Society would rather I didn’t exist.

Given the reaction I have seen friends and family have had with the public stories about transgender individuals, I don’t expect a lot of empathy, understanding and certainly not acceptance if/when I come out from many of them. It’s not a pain they can appreciate. It’s isn’t like a toothache or child birth.

It doesn’t exist in their world.

And I am trapped between two pains, the pain of gender dysphoria and the pain of rejection by family, friends and the world I live in.

Which pain hurts less?

My thoughts constantly churn inside my head, sometimes a quiet emotional ache, other times an agonizing scream of frustration and anger and, still other times, a dark and lonely sense of guilt and shame.

All of this exists inside my head, unseen by those around me that would rather not know that this tortured world even exists.

There is a medical cure. I could physically transition but they would prefer I suffered in silence because it makes their world simpler and easier to live in.

An online friend once said: “Emma, the beatings you inflict on yourself should be reserved for the climax of Rocky movies.”

It feels like that a lot of times but it doesn’t have to be that way. To break out of this gender dungeon, I need courage, lots of it. I know it exists in my soul and my heart. I will find it once I have burned away enough fear. I need to stand up and refuse to allow that fear to isolate me from who I am.

Once I find that courage, I will share it with others so that their ignorance and fear no longer divide me from them.

I feel that courage growing and I believe over time, I will be able to share it.

Maybe the world is not as dark as I paint it.

Hope always lights a candle.

Emma Holiday

Please also read:

The Transgender Pain

The Pain

emmah1017.medium.com

Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.

My writing has three specific goals:

1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.

2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.

3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.

Thank you for reading my work.