Life’s a Beach

And then you cry (A story that will make you smile)

Marcus finished his second morning cup of coffee and slammed the coffee mug down on the kitchen counter so hard that the handle to the mug broke off in his hand. This startled him out of his reverie — so much so that he did not even remember what he had been thinking about. He dropped the mug handle, which was still in his hand, down onto the counter top and stepped back away from the counter.

He looked down at the mess on the counter then he looked around the silent kitchen of his home. He then rubbed his face with both of his hands as though to wake himself from some strange dream. Looking around again, he realized that his heart was racing. He felt like he was about to explode.

Marcus turned away from the kitchen counter and walked briskly into the hallway where he pulled his gray hoodie off the wall hook and quickly put it on over the t-shirt he was wearing. He then proceeded to the front door. From a small ornate ceramic bowl on a small wooden table next to the front door, he picked up his car keys. Instinctively, his hands went down to feel the pockets of his sweatpants to see if he had his wallet on him. He did.

With car keys in hand, he left his home and quickly walked to his Subaru in the driveway. He was in the driver’s seat in a flash and turning the key in the ignition. With but a quick cursory glance into the rear-view mirror, he backed his car out of the driveway onto the street. Shifting gears with an uncommon ferocity he peeled off down the street headed for the beach.

The beach was a twenty-minute drive from his modest hillside suburban home. The beach was where Marcus went to find solace. He had driven the route countless times. Looking at the speedometer of his Subaru, he realized that he was driving significantly above the speed limit. He slowed down. Being pulled over by a cop was the very last thing he needed.

He arrived at the beach highway in just fourteen minutes. During the entire drive he hardly entertained a single thought in his mind. His mind was blank as he drove. He drove in a state of semi-unconsciousness, the all-too familiar route being navigated by memory. His body knew how to get there.

Marcus pulled into the parking lot near his favorite stretch of beach. With the car shut off, he opened the door and stepped out onto the parking lot. Looking down at his feet he realized that he was wearing his flip-flops. He had left the house so quickly that he had not even bothered to put on shoes.

“How perfect!” he happily thought to himself. He reached down and pulled the flip-flops off his feet. Turning around, he threw the flip-flops onto the driver’s seat of the car. He then threw his car keys onto the seat with the flip-flops, slamming shut the car door.

The asphalt parking lot felt like ice to his bare feet but as he headed towards the ocean he was soon walking through sand, which felt like walking through snow — which, to Marcus, was a marked improvement. There was a mild yet cold breeze blowing. He was glad that he had the semi-conscious foresight to bring his hoodie, which he proceeded to zip up and throw the hood over his head.

Oblivious to the waves lapping the beach and the seagulls noisily flying overhead, Marcus walked swiftly, his mind too jumbled to focus on any one thought. There were only a handful of people on the beach but he wanted to get to the other side of the big rock outcropping where he hoped the beach would be empty of people. He wanted to be alone.

Marcus was angry and frustrated and depressed. And he wanted to know why. It seemed that other humans were the cause of his fragile mental state so it was imperative that he be alone.

Passing the big rock outcropping, he saw that the beach ahead was devoid of humans and he slowed his pace. Eventually, he stopped walking and turned to his left to face the ocean. Taking some deep long breaths, he cleared his mind and just stared at the mighty ocean and the waves rolling onto the beach.

He found himself calming down. The ocean never failed to do that for him. He could not imagine living far inland where he could not get to the beach quickly when he needed to.

Marcus then bent down and rolled up the pant legs of his sweat pants to just above his knees. Slowly, he began walking slowly and deliberately towards the water.

The water was very cold. It seemed colder than normal for the time of year. Once the waves came up to his knees he stopped and just stood in the water looking at the incoming waves headed towards him. As each wave washed over his legs, his legs got colder. Folding his arms across his chest for warmth, each hand clutching the opposite shoulder, Marcus began to cry.

In contrast to the cold water washing over his legs, his tears were warm as they rolled down his face.

He finally remembered what he had been thinking about before he broke his coffee mug on the kitchen counter. He had been thinking about the encounter he had with his son the day before.

His son Paul had just graduated from college and had emailed Marcus that he was leaving to take a job up in Seattle. Marcus had driven to the diner across the street from Paul’s dorm to see him one last time before he left.

The encounter had been brief and awkward. They barely finished one cup of coffee. Paul had been growing distant for several years and barely looked his father in the eyes. He simply wanted to give his father the details of his departure.

Marcus tried to be as loving and supportive as he could, not showing the pain he was feeling about his son leaving. Out in the parking lot after the quick coffee, however, Marcus broke down. He put his hand on his son’s shoulder to stop him from going to his car. Paul stopped and turned towards his father but did not look at him.

“Paul, I love you with all my heart. You gotta know that. I only want the very best for you. I’m happy about your new job and I’m happy for you. Sure, I wish you had found a job close to home but I’m excited for you about your new life. Maybe once you’re settled I can come up there to visit and you know that you’re always welcome down here. I just want you to know that I love you.”

Paul was looking off into the distance, “Yeah, well I just gotta get out of here. I actually got offered a job here, too, but took the Seattle job so that I could get as far away from this place as I can.” He then turned and looked sternly into his father’s eyes, “I have to get away from you!”

With this, Paul turned and walked to his car leaving Marcus with opened mouth standing in the parking lot.

“I have to get away from you!” had been echoing in Marcus’ head since he watched his son drive off. It was echoing in his head when he slammed his coffee mug down on the kitchen table, breaking it. Standing in the ocean, he still could not get those words out of his head.

Marcus wiped his face then turned around and walked through the water back to the sand. Once out of reach of the water he turned back around to face the ocean. Sitting down on the beach, he rolled his pant legs back down and dug his bare feet into the sand. While the sand was cold it was not nearly as cold as the water. With his elbows on his knees, he rested his chin into the cupped palms of his hand.

The water of the ocean helped calm him and his tears helped to cleanse him. But he still did not understand. Why did everyone in his life end up leaving him? He never hurt them. He only loved them and protected them.

When Marcus was a child he genuinely loved his little sister. He did everything he could to protect her from their abusive psychopathic mother. He took her under his wing and helped her anyway that he could. But after they were both out of the house she had moved far away and he had not heard from her in over twenty years. She refused to even speak with him or communicate in any way.

Then there was his high school sweetheart. He was hopelessly in love with her and could not imagine a life without her. But she left him for another boy. The sight after turning that corner and seeing her kissing that other boy still haunted him now, so many years later.

Then there was his best buddy in college. They were inseparable for over three years. They fantasized of starting a business together some day. They went surfing and hiking together and planned on hiking the Pacific Crest Trail together but never got around to it. They studied together and partied together and once Marcus even bailed him out of jail. And then one day his friend asked to borrow some money and Marcus gladly lent it to him. He never saw him again.

After a string of girlfriends, each of which left him, Marcus eventually got married. He and his bride were deliriously happy for many years. They had their son, Paul, and the three of them seemed like an unbreakable unit. They were the happy family that Marcus imagined a happy family to be like when he was growing up in a very unhappy family.

But then a dozen years into the marriage his bride fell sick. In addition to being a loving husband, Marcus became a nurse. For over a year he lovingly nursed her back to health, giving her every ounce of love and devotion he could. While she was sick he became both a father and a mother to Paul, giving him as much love and devotion and guidance as he could. He loved them both so much.

Then a couple of years after his bride had regained her health she left him for another man. It was around this time that Paul started becoming more distant.

And then there was the dog who joined the family about halfway through the marriage. The dog was someone else for Marcus to love and he loved it as much as his wife and son. His wife left him then his son left home to go to college but the dog was still there by his side every day.

But one day just a few months back Marcus got up one morning to find the dog dead on the kitchen floor. He sat on the floor holding the dead dog for an hour as he cried.

“Why does everyone leave me?!” shouted Marcus to the seagulls flying above him. “Why?”

Marcus had unconditionally loved all those dear people in his life but every one of them left him. It made no sense.

Looking down at the sand, he spotted a pebble. Picking it up he tossed it further down the beach. Almost instantly, a seagull landed on the sand to inspect what had been thrown. Seeing that it was only a pebble, the bird quickly flew off, cawing loudly as though in protest.

Turning his gaze back to the waves rolling in on the beach, Marcus had a sudden epiphany. He realized that all his life he had been projecting his love outward towards others but he had never learned to love himself. Was loving others somehow a way to avoid loving himself? Was the departure of all those that he had loved somehow a gift that eventually forced him to learn how to love himself? Did he have to be completely alone before he noticed the one person (himself) that he was withholding love from?

Marcus immediately stood up. He now realized that he did not love himself. Was loving others a mask to hide that fact from himself? Could those he loved sense that? And was that why they all left him? How could they love him if he did not even love himself?

He rubbed his face with his hands. It was true. He did not love himself. And this was reinforced every time someone left him. But now there was no one left to leave him so there were no more excuses not to love himself. He was now all alone and that was somehow wonderful. Now he could focus his attention on himself and hopefully learn how to love himself. He had loved those in his life but he now realized that he did not even know how to love himself.

It was time to learn.

Marcus looked at the ocean and smiled. In his mind he said, “Thank you.”

He then turned and walked back to his car. As he walked he looked all around him. The ocean, the birds, the sand, the warming sun on his face; it was all so beautiful.

When he got to his car he realized that he was very thirsty so he walked to the little surf shop at the end of the parking lot. Inside, he opened up the cooler containing sodas and bottled water. He grabbed a water and went to the counter where a young man about the same age as Paul was standing.

“Just the water?” asked the young man.

“Yup.”

The young man scanned the water bottle and Marcus paid him. Before he put his money back in his wallet, something caught his eye. On the counter was a little display of novelty coffee mugs, each with a cartoon emblazoned on it along with some cute words. One particular mug had a picture of a shaggy dog lounging on the beach under a giant parasol. The caption under the picture read, “Life’s a beach.”

Marcus laughed. He picked up the mug and placed it on the counter, “Actually, I’ll take this, too. I need a new coffee mug.”

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved.