Life With a Narcissistic Parent

Summary

The author reflects on the emotional turmoil and challenges faced while growing up with a narcissistic father, detailing the impact on their family and the journey towards healing.

Abstract

The article delves into the personal experience of the author, who grew up with a narcissistic parent, specifically a father whose behavior created a dichotomy between his public persona and private conduct. The author initially believed in the idyllic concept of a nuclear family, but this belief was shattered by their father's narcissistic tendencies, which included conditional affection, unreasonable expectations, and emotional manipulation. These behaviors led to a distorted sense of self-worth and trust issues for the author, who felt compelled to suppress their emotions to avoid conflict. It wasn't until the author and their mother distanced themselves from this toxic environment that the true extent of the psychological damage became apparent. Despite the ongoing struggle with self-doubt and pressure to overachieve, the author has come to understand the root of these feelings in their father's abuse, which has been instrumental in their healing process.

Opinions

The author initially believed in the concept of a perfect family, which was undermined by their father's narcissistic behavior.
The father's approval and happiness were paramount, dictating the emotional state of the family.
The author felt unworthy of kindness and respect due to the father's conditional affection and constant need for validation.
The silent treatment was a common punishment for not meeting the father's high and often arbitrary standards.
The author learned to suppress their emotions to avoid confrontation and punishment.
Escaping the father's influence allowed the author to recognize the extent of the psychological damage and begin the process of healing.
The author now understands that their issues with self-doubt and trust are a result of their father's narcissistic abuse, not inherent personality traits.
The healing journey is described as challenging but rewarding, with each day away from the father contributing to the restoration of the author's self-worth and dignity.

When the idea of a perfect family is never realized.

When I was little, I wholeheartedly believed in the idea of a nuclear family. I grew up with both parents and the thought of it breaking down never occurred to me. Though it should have.

See, my father is a narcissist. That also means I never really knew who my father is. Was he the person he was outside of the home, or was he the person at home? Because those were two very different people.

Growing up, I thought my father’s behavior was normal. I thought I needed to earn his attention and affection. For the longest time, this made me believe that I, too, wasn't worthy of other people’s kindness and selfless generosity. I doubted anyone who ever showed me even an ounce of respect because, in my mind, I felt like I hadn’t deserved it.

I also believed that I needed to do everything I could to make my father happy. Because, well, if he wasn't happy, life wasn’t all that peachy for my mom and me.

Breaking any of his rigid and nonsensical rules could mean months of silent treatment (which happened more often than not). It was his way of punishing my mom and me for failing to live up to his standards. And it was also a merciless display of his perceived power and control over us.

Of course, on the flip side of this, when he was elated, he expected us to be the same. That meant that our dispositions and emotions were under his influence and subject to his approval (or disapproval). Over time, I learned how to numb my true emotions to avoid facing confrontation.

The saddest thing is, throughout these years, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn't stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, there was something completely wrong with the way my father was treating us. Why? Well, I was thought to respect my elders, so who was I to speak ill of him? So, I knew better than to rock the boat.

It wasn't until we finally escaped him I realized the tremendous amount of damage that he had done to my mom and me. It’s been some 9 years since we moved away from him, but I’m still here, healing from the way he’s treated me. I continuously doubt myself in anything I do. I put myself under insane amounts of pressure because I rarely feel ‘good enough.’ And it’s extremely difficult for me to trust people.

Fortunately, now, I know where all this comes from. I used to think that this was just who I was, a cynical, relentless overachiever. But, now that I’ve identified how my father’s narcissistic abuse has affected me, I’m able to move forward.

📸 Credit to Kristopher Roller of Unsplash

The journey is long and there are still days that I feel like it’s a hopeless battle, but then I realize how much I’ve already been through and it keeps me going. With each day away from him, I gain back a piece of myself, my dignity, and my self-worth that were vehemently ripped out from me. And that’s how I keep going.