Summary

The author reflects on how her life and her daughter's father's life might have been different if her parents had not intervened in their relationship after she became pregnant at 16.

Abstract

The author shares a deeply personal account of her life's trajectory, which was altered by her parents' decision to keep her daughter's father away from her. She recounts the pain and bitterness that stemmed from believing she was abandoned by him at a young age, and how this shaped her self-worth and subsequent relationships. The narrative unfolds the impact of this separation on both their lives, including her daughter's father's decision to join the military and the life-altering injury he sustained. The author contrasts the life she could have had with the love and acceptance she witnesses in her daughter's relationship with her paternal family. Despite her belief in destiny, she grapples with the grief of what could have been and the need to forgive her parents for their actions.

Opinions

The author believes that her parents' decision to forbid contact with her daughter's father was the first in a series of events that drastically changed the course of their lives.
She harbors some resentment towards her parents for misleading her about her daughter's father's intentions and for not allowing them to be together.
The author reflects on the negative impact of her parents' choices on her self-esteem and relationships, particularly the belief instilled in her that she was not good enough.
She acknowledges the love and happiness she sees in her daughter's relationship with her paternal family, which evokes a sense of loss and longing for what could have been.
Despite the pain, the author values the growth and strength she has gained from her experiences and expresses a desire to move forward through forgiveness.
The author maintains a philosophical view that everything happens for a reason, yet she cannot help but wonder about the alternate paths her life might have taken.

FROM MY LIFE

Life: Toppling The ‘Wrong’ Domino

Everything happens for a reason, but I grieve for what could’ve been

Ever since my daughter found her father, so many thoughts have gone through my mind. I learned a couple of things about his life, and I look back on mine, and can’t help to wonder… It could have been so different.

If only my parents had given me a chance, my life could’ve been so different.

Life is a series of dominoes

The thought crossed my mind that life is like dominoes positioned one after the other. When you push one over, all the stones fall. Topple over the wrong one, and a whole series of stones fall, which you might not have wanted to touch at all.

It’s the same with life. Every decision we make triggers a next event.

I look back at what happened when I fell pregnant at 16. Everything was upside down then. My parents were angry and disappointed. At the same time, they wanted what was best for me. I understand that, but it doesn’t pardon them from what they had done.

I was too afraid to go against their decisions and naively believed they would take my wishes into account — that I wanted him in my and my daughter’s life. They allowed me to believe he had abandoned me, and this doesn’t put the blame on me for believing them; my parents.

Toppling that first stone

The decisions my parents had made back then, to forbid him to contact me, were the first stone they pushed over. That first stone had a ripple effect that influenced his life, as well as mine.

How different our lives — his and mine — could’ve been, had my parents given us a chance. Had my father not said he wasn’t good enough for me (I heard this from a cousin, as apparently this is what my father told her mother).

Never good enough

For almost 40 years — to some an entire lifetime — I had believed he had abandoned me. Pregnant at 16, he and I had made a pact to make the best of it, to be together, and then he just disappeared.

In many relationships after that (all of them actually, up to when I met my husband), I had never felt good enough. My first husband even affirmed this, telling me if he hadn’t married me, no one else would’ve wanted me, because I had a child. Maybe that’s why I had ended so many relationships when I noticed the slightest animosity towards my kids.

It was only after my second divorce and many other broken relationships I decided: never again will I change myself for a man. I am who I am, and if they can’t accept it, f*ck them!

Then I met my husband, and bless him, from the very first day he accepted me for who I am, and he IS the love of my life. My daughter’s father was my first, my husband is my last.

Choosing war above life

I’m not the only one who had hurt after the supposed abandonment. In a letter my parents had written to the attorney, they had said I never wanted to see the father of my daughter again.

He believed that.

Two months after we had told my parents, he had to report for his compulsory military service.

Now what I am going to tell you now, I learned in the first week after we found him.

He wasn’t in the army long when he requested to be transferred to the border, where a war was raging. He didn’t care about his life, and wanted to be a mercenary after his military service. Eighteen months into that, he was out on patrol and drove onto a landmine. His left leg got crushed in the blast, and many operations later, amputated.

Would this have happened had he and I still been in each other’s life? Surely his mental state would have been different had he known pregnant-me was waiting for him?

A life of love

Two years after me, he met his wife. They had a child — a daughter. A year later they got married, and after that two boys were born. My daughter is in contact with all of them, and her sister told her there’s a lot of love going around in their family.

That’s something I have witnessed from the sidelines — the love. They welcomed my daughter with open arms.

Seriously… So. Much. Love!

And I can’t help to think — that could’ve been me.

My life could’ve been easier.

I could’ve been in a loving relationship from the age of sixteen. My daughter could’ve had her father in her life from the beginning. My life could’ve been easier. It’s not like there wasn’t love in my life without him, but who doesn’t want the perfect relationship? So much bitterness could’ve been avoided; so much pain.

Memories of back then

The past month has made me realize how many of my memories of our time together I had pushed away. I think it’s because of the hurt. I believed he had abandoned me, and had pushed all memories to the dark recesses of my mind. He will help me remember — he already told me some things I couldn’t recall, such as our song, something he said he had listened to many times in all these years.

What could’ve been avoided if my parents hadn’t topple that one domino stone? Would he have lost his leg? Would we have been married? Would I have had more self-confidence in the first half of my life? Would I have had all those shady relationships, gone through abuse… would I… would I…

Everything happens for a reason

I’m a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. Yes, my parents had made a mistake. My father said as much, four months before he passed away. They had thought they acted in my best interest. Had they?

Despite believing that everything happens for a reason, I can’t stop my thoughts from travelling down the road: what if…?

What if my parents had allowed us to be together? What if he and I didn’t go through 38 years of bitterness? What if we were allowed to love each other the way we did as youngsters? What if he had been my only love?

I mourn for what wasn’t. For a life of ups and downs, which could’ve been so different. I grieve for my parents' lies.

I need to allow my grief to be able to move forward and forgive…

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