Life Narrative: The Path to Conscious Parenting
Making sense and processing our past has an essential role in parenting
In the book «The whole brain child», Daniel J. Siegel M.D and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD. develop this notion of life narrative splendidly.
In essence they underline the importance of making sense of our own story as parents in order to pass on the healthy tools to future generations who on their turn will pass it on. It is an essential one into impacting what kind of individuals (thus society) we are creating. Are we contributing into creating individuals who know both how to nurture their self but also find meaning in relationships with others? Or individuals that are still perpetuating the scars from past generations ?
That is where life narrative comes in the scenario aiming to break the pattern and liberate parents’ eventual burden they carry and provide a healthy sustainable path to future generations.
What is life narrative?
It is the story we tell when we look at who we are and how we’ve become the person that we are. Our life narrative determines our feelings about our past, our understanding of why our parents behaved as they did, and our awareness of the way those events have impacted our development into adulthood — The Whole-Brain Child
Benefits of a coherent life narrative
- When we have a coherent life narrative, we understand and acknowledge how the past has contributed to who we are and what we do.
- We make sense of our own behaviours as parents
- We get the power to choose what we want to pass on to our children and what we do not want to pass on
- We act consciously and get an opportunity to parent in an empowering way
Eventual drawbacks of a non coherent life narrative
- Non process life narrative may limit us in the present.
- It causes us to parent reactively
- We may pass down to our children the same painful legacy that negatively affected our own early days.
An example given in the book: imagine that your father had a difficult childhood. Perhaps his home was an emotional desert where his parents did not comfort him when he was sad or afraid. They may even have been cold and distant leaving him to weather life’s hardships on his own. If they failed to pay attention to him and his emotions, he would be wounded in significant ways. As a result he would grow into adulthood limited in his ability to give you what you need as his child.
All of this may result in his implicit memories that he is not even aware of. Then you as you become a parent (if you haven’t made peace and sense of your past) would be in danger of passing on the same damaging patterns to your own kids.
The good news is that it is never too late. If you make peace and sense of that wounded past, you have the possibility to adopt an alternative parenting style (or a combination of both).
Remembering that there is no perfect parenting style, you are probably already doing your best your own way. This is meant as informational; I am passing on the new insight I got myself in my current parenting experience.
No matter how hard or best we strive to contribute positively to the life or our children, they will still experience life’s challenges and roadblocks. That is a part of the contract with life. What we have hands on is the unconditional love and values we give them, the tools and guidance we provide as parents.
Key take away:
Until next time, enjoy and take care of yourself.
One love 💜