Life Isn’t Fair but Radical Acceptance Can Help

How to be the eye of the storm

Remember when you were a kid? At some point or another, you suffered what you perceived to be an injustice. Immediately, you ran to an older family member with tears in your eyes, loudly declaiming, “It’s not fair!”.

Expecting this adult to administer some well-deserved justice, you were instead greeted with the much-repeated adage, “Life isn’t fair.”

There is a point in our childhood when we realize something is amiss. Our parents — formerly the god-like entities that steered our actions — are rendered flawed and human. Gradually, these cracks in our perception widen to encompass the injustices of the world. The more we learn of society, war, greed, oppression, illness, the more the hard-to-swallow truth is reinforced: life certainly isn’t fair.

Depending on our personal development, this existential shift can manifest in a variety of ways. For some people, it can foster anger, frustration, and resentment that carries on into later life. Such emotions tend to be directed at whoever we perceive to be responsible for our plight. This could be God, a shadowy ‘them’, a political party, a race, our parents, an ex-spouse, or even ourselves.

The issue is not who we may or may not deem responsible — this is immaterial, and pursuing such thoughts only ends up causing more harm.

The issue is upon learning “Life isn’t fair”, most of us aren’t given any further guidance.

Most of us aren’t taught how to effectively deal with suffering.

The first noble truth of Buddhism

Pain is certain, suffering is optional. — Gautama Buddha

You may have heard this translated as “Life is suffering”, but it’s actually a little more nuanced than that. The Sanskrit word is dukkha and it encompasses a broad range of meanings that can’t easily be translated into a single word.

Dukkha can refer to distress, anxiety, frustration, unease, unsatisfactoriness, and so on. But Buddhism goes further. Within the Buddhist sutras, dukkha is split into three sub-categories:

1) Dukkha-dukkha

The suffering of suffering — The mental, emotional, and physical suffering we experience throughout our lives—birth, aging, illness, dying.

2) Viparinama-dukkha

The suffering of change — The suffering arising from our inability to accept change. We cling to pleasurable experiences and naturally feel sad and disappointed when they pass — we feel a lack. This is because we haven’t yet accepted the truth of impermanence.

3) Sankhara-dukkha

All-pervasive suffering or the suffering of existence — The suffering that pervades all existence; the fundamental unsatisfactoriness present throughout all forms of life. Because (according to the Buddhists) all life is constantly changing, impermanent, and without any inner substance or core. Meaning things are destined not to live up to our standards or expectations.

What do we do in the face of all this suffering?

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” — Lao Tzu

The unavoidable truth of being born onto this plane of existence is, categorically, we will experience these three forms of dukkha throughout our lives. There’s no escaping it — it’s an essential component of being human. Whatever their intentions, that family member was right: more frequently than not, life isn’t fair.

However, we do have a measure of control as to how we deal with dukkha. True, it takes practice, but how we respond to it is ultimately up to us.

There’s no denying that grief can be heartbreaking, heartbreak can be painful, and pain can be a living nightmare. Often, we can’t avoid the unpleasant feelings that arise as a result of experiencing these things. After all, we can’t redirect every electrical signal sent to our brain.

But we don’t need to obliterate our feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, distress, etc. That’s a counterproductive way of viewing it, and will likely result in more suffering. Instead, we can reframe our experience of dukkha by cultivating a more detached attitude to it. Not detached in the sense of dissociation or disavowal, but in respect to how we view it within the broader scheme of existence.

There is an ancient saying you may be familiar with:

“This too shall pass.”

Feel overjoyed because you’ve just been promoted at work? This too shall pass.

Feel awful because your husband just filed for divorce? This too shall pass.

Are you bored and don’t know what to do with yourself? This too shall pass.

The more we’re attached to ephemeral experiences, the more we ignore the incontrovertible fact of existence: impermanence. Contained within every living thing, every fleeting sensation, feeling or emotion is its inevitable non-existence. This certainly is a hard truth to swallow, but the more we meditate on the impermanence of life, the better equipped we will be to deal with suffering.

How to practice Radical Acceptance

“Pain is not wrong. Reacting to pain as wrong initiates the trance of unworthiness. The moment we believe something is wrong, our world shrinks and we lose ourselves in the effort to combat the pain.” — Tara Brach

Radical acceptance is not an easy practice. In fact, it is something we never really stop learning. The reason we use the word ‘radical’ is that the situations we often need to accept can be devastating — like the loss of a loved one, contracting an illness, or being fired from our job. But although feelings of distress, grief, and sadness are completely normal, when we fail to accept what has occurred our suffering can be prolonged.

By grounding ourselves in the present moment we can facilitate a sense of non-attachment to our thoughts and emotions. This could be by following our breath, becoming aware of bodily sensations, or inwardly whispering a word or phrase to ourselves. Granted, given the intensity of the emotions we feel, this will be more difficult than an average mindfulness practice. But by the same token, it is arguably of greater value, and ultimately more rewarding.

No matter what arises within us — thoughts, feelings, sensations — we refrain from judging or rejecting it. We accept our experience in whatever form it takes, no matter how painful, along with its impermanent nature. By gently bringing this aspect of impermanence to the forefront of our awareness, we can engender a feeling of inner calm. Thoughts and feelings may feel overpowering, but we can still view them as clouds. Yes, they may be dark, oppressive, storm clouds, but they are still passing in and out of being, while we stay anchored to the here and now.

For within the present moment, there are no regrets about the past or expectations of the future. There is only acceptance of things as they are — the good and the bad in constant flux. The perspective we have when in a state of radical acceptance is like being in the eye of the storm. A place where we can view the dark thoughts and emotions swirling around us in a different light, and from a clearer vantage point. Within the sanctuary of the moment, we weaken the force of their violent tugging.

This doesn’t mean we will be free from pain and discomfort, but such things are usually severely exacerbated by the judging mind (by its failure to accept the nature of dukkha). Ultimately, radical acceptance can help us attenuate the mind’s negative influence. The more we practice it, the larger our eye of the storm becomes, and the better able we are to reframe our relationship with dukkha.

So, the next time we are subjected to the unfairness of life, or whenever things feel like too much to bear, we can always reenter our eye of the storm. We can be comforted by the fact that, yes, no matter what we are experiencing — no matter how horrible it may seem — this too shall pass.

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