THE PRO FILES

Life is Hard, Life is Unfair — We Control Whether or Not That Defines Us

Writer Q&A with Lisa S. Gerard

BUMFUCK, NW, March 18, 2023 /Ben Human/ Hey Lisa, can I interview you for my pub? We profile writers on the topic of writing and life as a writer. UPTOWN, GL, March 18, 2023 /Lisa S. Gerard/ Hey Ben ~ if you need a basic bitch to interview, I’m your girl :D BH: LOL, let’s do it LSG: Lol I’ll look for your questions

This was a great story about finding your biological mom. I can tell you exactly where I was when I read it — walking along the Thames in Berkshire on a Saturday morning, reading Celtic Chameleon’s pick of the best 16 stories published in The Authentic Eclectic in 2022. I read yours, Catherine Dunn’s and Rhiannon Hopkins’s, one after the other, and they all damn near broke my heart and took my breath away. I discovered several of my favourite Medium writers that morning, and now I’m paying it forward to anyone who hasn’t had the pleasure.

First, thank you, Ben, for extending me this opportunity. I’ve openly gushed about your serialized novel, “I Love You We Said”, so of course, I am honored to be a part of your journey.

I discovered you, too, through the well-loved Celtic Chameleon’s former pub.

Thank you! And so to my first question: What makes a story compelling, other than it being the truth and truthfully written, like these amazing feats of storytelling above?

Life itself is compelling.

Emotional trips, spirals into rabbit holes, skinned knees, broken bones, and healing are universal.

I get sucked into stories that offer underlying kinship through recognizable language — not too flowery and not so exotic that I have to stop and look up what the hell a word means.

Call a tree a tree and add tears or smiles, or both, and I’m hooked up to the last word.

Full-circle truth is best delivered with flow.

It’s compelling, the sharing we do as writers. I write — and read — what I know, the rollercoaster of highs and lows.

Unfathomable angst-ridden happenings represent much of my unfiltered life. As for reading the hardship and struggles of others — it confirms I’m not alone or insane.

Not alone, at least.

What are the great heartbreak stories you’ve read?

The most heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, rest-and-let-your-swollen-eyes-recover series can be found in Liberty Forrest, Author’s “My Life Story: “And No One Stopped Them”.

Read with caution and pace yourself.

My explanation of her life and my wording could never do her story justice.

What drives your writing? Pleasure or pain?

Pain — sprinkled with pleasure. To escape from the tunnel of darkness and emerge clearer each time fuels my hope for better.

Better tomorrows for you, the universe, and me.

I visited hell and want people to know that we can survive, thrive, and forge on.

Why am I not curled up in a padded room by now, with glazed eyes, hugging my knees in a dark corner, spittle dripping uncontrollably from my frothing mouth?

My dear friends would love to know the answers to this question.

With each smiling revelation of the latest debacle, they can only ask when Netflix will showcase my life. My laughter at my mind-boggling experiences seeps into them.

And without levity, I would surely die.

I have stories.

I am driven to openly gut myself and walk the reader through my self-surgery of survival. Pleasure and pain paint the whole picture. They need to go hand in hand, or I am purposeless. My message is that life is hard. Life is unfair. We control whether or not that defines us.

I enjoy the therapeutic benefits of putting the ugliness out there while sharing my method for picking up the pieces and gluing myself back together. I find others who do the same most compelling.

Mental health is the theme you seem to write about most often. And like you, I’m starting to wonder why there’s even a stigma–and why, if it’s a lot more widespread than people acknowledge, they allow themselves such ignorance about its dangers for family, individuals, and society. Why is that?

Mental health stigma irks me no end. Yet, at the same time, I get it.

People are afraid of the unknown, and most have an unwillingness or inability to devote time to learn about it.

It’s exhausting with the multitude of diagnoses, manifesting individual behaviors, and the ever-changing layers upon layers of unpredictability.

Mental health awareness drains us.

My husband, at the height of our daughter’s treatment, handed me full responsibility for her care.

His words, “I don’t do crazy,” broke my heart and rings in my ears to this day.

I have been banging my head on the wall for 25 years. My pleas to professionals rival the number of cries to family and friends. Help eluded me.

It was easier for people to sweep issues under the rug. It was easier to ‘not do crazy’ and walk away.

Brain disorders are dirty, embarrassing, and maybe contagious.

My journey started with my daughter and now re-emerges with my grandson, whom I raise. I’m tired. No one else is signing up to tackle issues until it’s too late.

But I refuse to retire my megaphone.

Cry me a river, I know.

Yes, it’s difficult to read, imagine, to even write about mental illness at times. But, knowledge is power and the only hope for bettering the world is by offering understanding, compassion, and skills to assist the sufferers.

On the other hand, you also wonder why so many shout the odds about it like it’s a badge of honour (well, it’s certainly not a badge of shame), or a reason to get attention (then again, being known for overcoming trauma is no less deserving than, say, running the 100 in under 10 seconds). Or why so many use it as a solely defining feature. What is the line between prostituting your hurt and writing about it acceptably or justifiably? Or is mental health not to be hemmed in at all, as long as we talk about it?

Everyone is responsible for their own line.

I don’t recommend following directives that come from outside of your own heart and mind. I don’t promote holding back either, though I am guilty of it. Some horrors possess the ability to devastate people I love and I won’t do it.

That is my line.

There are titillating stories to entice but lack a wrap-around of viable solutions or tales that encourage enlightenment.

I go for the ‘lesson learned’ and have my daughter’s approval.

When she revisits her past, through my words and eyes, filled with emotional instability and impulsivity, she is proud of how far she has come.

Talking about it? The right way or wrong way, solution or false badge of honor, still stimulates dialogue. Worth it.

Artistic penury: You know what else I think we need to be open about? What we earn on Medium. We need to eradicate any unearned pay gaps between women and men, family and non-family in such businesses, executives, and general staff. The highest-earning Medium members need to come clean that they, too, are making peanuts. Maybe if enough of us say it, someone will get as pissed off about it as they should. Writers are not valued, and we’re the talent that draws the eyeballs for the moneybags guys. What did your 20k claps story earn?

Money is a touchy subject for me.

Though your reasoning for asking has merit, my experience of being tethered to someone who values the dollar above all else makes me squirm.

I will tell you now if you promise not to ask again, that “I Opened My Mouth, Betrayed My Brain and Ruined 25 years of Marriage” still trickles in a few dollars each month.

I can’t calculate the generous and appreciated influx of referrals I gained, but the story has cleared the $5000.00 mark.

That’s awesome! But unusual. OK, men and women: I think your story about your marital breakup (2018?) is, as one comment says, an all-too-common experience for too many women, and that’s just an unimaginably tragic injustice. But to what extent are men captive to this situation too? I found another writer who’s spoken about male captivity of this nature, which I think springs from when men’s roles were still that of pioneers and protectors, and the privilege and positions given them to be able to play that role. Here it is:

“I understand that rage. I’ve seen that rage in my father and I’ve seen that rage in me. Because I’m angry that he took off. He left us. But when I look at that anger, if I push it aside and just put it away all I see is hurt. I think it keeps me walled off from relationships and opening myself up and, you know, really caring for someone. And I don’t know how to get past that. I don’t know how to get around that. And it worries me. And I don’t wanna be that guy. I don’t wanna be my dad.” Brad Pitt, Ad Astra

What do you think when you see a quote like that? Jeez, poor guy, or oh boo-hoo, grow a pair? (Sorry to make this about my experience as a man. Men will do that.)

These questions all bleed into each other and are worthy of discussion.

The only way to create new history starts in your proverbial home. Within yourself.

No one person can change the world, but any challenge is best broken down to its smallest component and tackled head-on.

The turmoil around love and trust can only be overcome in the mirror. Insight, personal growth, and enlightenment are the keys to focus on.

We don’t change others, we change ourselves.

Historically, men and women have been shoved into predetermined roles and the wheels are falling off that trainwreck.

Equality translates to respectful behaviors, open communication, and the preservation of relationships.

Pain is not gender-specific, just the sources that originate it.

You won’t hear me respond with “oh boo-hoo, grow a pair.” I will never discount angst.

Equality.

Everybody wins.

Society changes. Learning who we don’t want to be, like submissive mothers or domineering and detached fathers, is vital. We can swim upstream with battle cries to fight the current or adjust accordingly.

I prefer the backstroke.

Technology as a non-digital native: How useful have you found Mastodon to be? I also have zero interest in the latest Internet and social media candy, but unlike you, I don’t even have the appetite for Mastodon. I guess I will stick with Medium until I feel like it’s really not worth my while and I’ve learned what I wanted to learn. But is Mastodon a place to be?

I honestly don’t know. It’s premature to venture a guess on whether or not me.dm on Mastodon will have teeth and feel like home. My initial take is a wait-and-see. There are scant pockets of warmth that mirror my time on Medium.

It may be a slow burn or it may fizzle.

I like the idea of signing on me.dm early due to my continued bruised ego publishing with Medium.

The OGs elbow newbies to the sidelines. I don’t need to be the bride, but being the perpetual bridesmaid, drowning my sorrows at the open bar sucks the air from my lungs and wind from my sails. At least there’s cake.

What about AI? What should the rules be for using it in writing and creating images? Should people use it at all? Or are we way past that? Can artists use it as long as they attribute some of their work to it?

AI serves a purpose, just not mine.

Effective therapy, the reason I write, requires heartfelt sharing that AI would water down. I do like the images AI creates, but devoting time to it is not my priority. One day, I may dig deeper.

I’m no fan of the flat, manual-like articles that contain AI assistance. So, no thanks. I turn my back on writing or reading anything artificial.

I do agree that it is a writer’s responsibility to come right out of the gate acknowledging AI use so I can save time and move on to a 100% Human crafted story. (See what I did there, Ben Human?)

Beep. Beep. I. See. What. You. Did. There… How is Substack working out for you as a writer?

Substack answers my intentional marketing for friends and family who only want to read a Medium story once a week, free of membership.

My subscribers are loyal, as evidenced by the statistics. The read ratio on Substack consistently runs around 85%.

In the back of my mind, I hoped to convert readers to join Medium but harbor no ill will if they keep reading on Substack. I have no plans to ever monetize it.

Sharing my experiences remains my focus.

Can you tell us more about your published works, here, on social media, or elsewhere?

Medium is my mothership for publishing. I have also sold stories to YourTango. They pay a flat rate for your story with shared rights.

Once YourTango runs it for 90 days, the writer can legally post it on another site, such as Medium.

I take full advantage of that, of course.

I recently received an invite to participate in Quora+ and signed on. My space is 10 days old and allows me total control of the content.

Aptly named “Common Ground with Lisa”, it is my safe place for sharing. I have a handful of followers — more than just family, thank God.

I will be accepting personal essays from Medium writers seeking to promote their work.

Baby steps, right?

I am on that forever quest to spread kindness and understanding as I go from door to open door.

Looking back over time, has your style changed over time? How much have you learned from your peers on Medium?

My style has changed thanks to my peers on Medium.

What an eclectic and talented group of writers under one roof. Some write with a rawness that freed me to do the same.

I am past being shocked and gravitate to the ballsy writers who display their hearts on their sleeves.

Many have clean formats and tighter styles that I strive to replicate.

I am grateful to have a community where I can show my warts. Many writers can laugh with me and not at me. They can do both, as long as they’re laughing.

Just as important, I have learned who I am not.

In the first year of writing, I suffered intense feelings of inadequacy each time I read purple prose.

It’s not me, I can’t do it, and I beat myself up over my lacking ability. Then, one day I stopped.

I credit my turnaround to the support of readers and writers. They made me feel heard just as I am, and I felt their green light to write as me.

Most of all, I have learned that always being a bridesmaid and never a bride isn’t the end of the world.

Not being number one makes me try harder, learn more, and appreciate the journey alongside others with similar thoughts.

Life is hard. Life is unfair.

It doesn’t define you.

We aren’t alone.

Especially if we keep sharing.

Join Medium and read without limitation. Where can you do that for just pennies a day? Medium. That’s where.

Click below and keep smiling.

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