PERSONAL & RELATIONSHIPS

Life Happened and I’m Gone for A While

How my hope was destroyed

I started writing on Medium a few months ago. I started writing, in general, a few months ago. I started loving genuinely a little more months ago.

However, I am caught up in myself and my surroundings. I am working on myself and my thoughts. Shaping my life little by little the way I want it to be.

I have changed some things for the better and still have so much to do. I have started with that. What was next on my agenda:

• my divorce
• move out (either my future ex-husband or me)
• build a new, independent life with my child
• create my future with my favorite person and my child
• write more
• read more
• learn to draw digitally and also paint on canvas again, be creative
• be more in nature
• take more pictures
• take more time for me
• meditate
• finally, take some vacation days
• do things I have been putting off for months
• so much more.

I took two days off. My child was in kindergarten. Then there were important appointments. Postponements. Too much to do. I canceled my vacation again and was going to take two days off for myself next week.

Finally, relax a bit. Write, read, walk. Lying in the bathtub. Listening to music. Get a few things done around the house. But I couldn’t.

There are only two kindergartens here in town.

One with longer opening hours until the afternoon. Since I am working full-time again, I need care for my child. Her father also works full-time and is not often a great help beyond that. My parents live further away.

Don’t get me wrong: I am grateful for any support.

But due to the distance, illnesses, and other appointments of my parents, it is more of a sporadic meeting.

The father of my child spends a few hours with her on weekends. During the week also briefly. But the majority of the time is spent with me.

It was planned and agreed upon quite differently. I hardly have any time for myself. The mental load is very high and challenges me daily.

After many long weeks with shortened opening hours (more precisely, since my child goes to kindergarten), the opening hours have been extended again. Almost to the afternoon, as it was originally intended.

That lasted for a week, believe it or not. Then the bad news:

“Due to the already prevailing staff shortage and the general pandemic situation, as well as another quit, we have to permanently reduce the opening hours of our kindergarten.” — Kindergarten

For me, there is no end in sight. By September, it will probably be 9 whole hours less per week! After I have already bridged several months.

Last year, it was 7 long weeks when the facility was completely closed due to the pandemic.

I worked whenever possible: when my child was asleep, late at night, when I had a few hours to myself on the weekend. I needed this time to relax.

But as a woman, you often have to cut back professionally anyway when you have a child.

I do not know how to deal with the new situation. I have found a babysitter. For about 1–2 hours a week. More is not possible. I can’t reduce my working hours again. I already have a disadvantage as a woman in IT. As a mother even more.

I work longer and harder than many male colleagues. If I were to cut back further, I wouldn’t be able to do my job.

My future ex-husband always promises to take on more. Then he does have work to do. His things always come first. If the child has to be picked up early or is home after kindergarten, it’s basically my job.

I love my child. So much. But I feel like I’m sinking.

Not good enough at everything. Not enough time for my child, even though I do a lot with her and take good care of her.

I know that I am a good mother. Nevertheless, I have feelings of guilt because I often feel overburdened.

I feel left alone. Abandoned. Sad. Angry.

I don’t have enough time to do my job. There’s a lot that gets left undone.

I have to push things into the future. Cancel things. I put off a lot of less urgent things. Do things for work in the evenings and on weekends.

Even though I should be resting. My body has shown me several times.

Too little time for the household.

Here, too, some things are left undone. I don’t care if I vacuum a day later. Or whether everything is ironed or not. But shopping, laundry, etc. is necessary and cannot always be postponed.

I hoped better times would now come. Finally, longer childcare hours again. Finally, a little bit of work to do. And then: time for me.

But that’s life. I don’t know yet how I will deal with it. Unfortunately, I have to do without the following for the time being and concentrate on my child, job, and household:

• writing — i.e. little to no medium 😢💻
• reading
• walking — only during breaks or when I can talk on the phone on the side. Otherwise, I only go out with my child. But I don’t manage my head-free walks anymore.
• paint
• meditate
• …

I feel like I’m stuck. And can’t do anything about it right now.

Join with my link to get full access to all stories on Medium!

About Me — Iris B. Stehn ▪ Twitter ▪ Facebook