Letting go of our grudges to find happiness again
The only person who gets hurt by your grudges is you. Learn how to let them go so you can find happiness again.
by: E.B. Johnson
A grudge can be one of the most destructive forces in your life if you don’t learn how to understand it and heal the pain that causes it. Our grudges can stem from anger, from envy, and a whole plethora of other places that are as complex as they are buried deep in our subconcious mind. If you’re holding on to a grudge that’s eating away at you, start healing it by learning how to understand both how you’re feeling and why you feel that way.
Overcoming our grudges is not a one-size-fits all process. It takes time, hard work and commitment to get past the stumbling blocks that leave us feeling anxious, insecure and longing for brighter days. Start letting go of your grudges by dropping the assumptions, while learning how to embrace the powerful, striking person you truly are at your core.
Why do we hold grudges?
Grudges are complex creatures that are comprised of many different emotions. At the base of it all we have anger, but there’s also hurt and resentment mixed in there too. There are all kinds of reasons that we hold onto grudges, but the overall theme is the same: grudges are about a sense of being wronged.
Making assumptions
Making assumptions is one of the fastest ways to find yourself disappointed, hurt or feeling wronged. Assumptions are all about projecting our ideals onto the shoulders of other people, and holding them up to standards or expectations that are impossible to meet. We might make the assumption that someone set out to do us wrong, or we might (wrongly) make the assumption that they meant something that they didn’t. If you want to avoid assumptions, be open, honest and up front from the start.
Feeling left out
Fear of missing out (FOMO) is a very real thing, and one of the most common reasons we find ourselves holding onto grudges. FOMO can happen in a number of situations and in a number of different contexts. Perhaps that feeling of being left out happens when your friend only responds to 1 out of every 10 messages; or maybe you didn’t get invited to some small group activity. Whatever it is, it’s important to identify the feeling and then get to the real reason for exclusion. It’s often not nearly as severe as imagined.
Hitting the limit
We all have a limit for what we can and can’t take. Boundaries and limits are an important piece of our wellbeing, and without them we get abused and taken advantage of. Hitting a threshold for what you can and can’t take isn’t wrong, it’s a sign that you need to remove yourself from certain people and situations. It does go wrong, however, when you let a grudge fester even after the hurt has subsided.
Feeling envious
Envy is nasty feeling, and a common one too. Jealousy can make it seem as though we have somehow been cheated, and this in turn can turn into a festering resentment that eats us alive from the inside out. Many grudges become entrenched around a feeling of envy, which stems from our own sense of self-esteem. If your grudges are coming from a place of jealousy, consider looking into your own self-worth instead.
Unrealistic expectations
Sometimes, high expectations inspire us to achieve more than we thought we could. Other times, however, they come crashing down around us; resulting in disappointment and the destruction of the relationships that once made us so happy. When our expectations aren’t met — no matter how unrealistic they are — the result is disappointment, disenchantment and even a feeling of personal insult. This can happen commonly with those who are especially giving of their feelings, as they expect the same vulnerability and giving from others in return.
The damaging effects of holding onto a grudge.
There are a lot of studies out there that have demonstrated the negative effects of anger on our wellbeing and health, but a new study from Erasmus University has now revealed that grudges — specifically — have some pretty serious consequences on our health and peace of mind as well.
Grudges act much like a literal weight on our shoulders, dragging us down, making us lethargic, and making it hard for us to think or function. Negative thoughts have a funny way of consuming our thoughts like nothing else, and the more negatively we think, the more negativity we attract into our lives. Those who hold onto grudges aren’t just unhappy, they feel physically unwell; and that’s because clinging to those negative emotions literally impacts your heart rate, blood pressure and even your stress responses.
Negative emotions cause us physiological distress, which can lead to long-term health problems and even chronic pain and fatigue. When we stay bitter toward other people, we start to generate global feelings of anger and hostility that start to leak out into other portions of our lives, destroying our professional, personal and romantic hopes before they’ve ever had a change to bloom.
How to let go of a long-held grudge.
Letting go of a long-held grudge isn’t easy, but it’s necessary in order to get back to the root of our true selves. If you truly want to be happy again, you have to let go of the anger that is festering inside of you. Try these five simple techniques to unlock the door to your emotional healing, and let go of the grudge that’s holding you back.
1. Decide to reconcile
When it comes to conflict or heartache, someone has to make the decision to reconcile first. The cornerstone of any grudge is anger or a sense of being wronged, and this can make us hesitant to make the first move. When we’ve been wronged, it can seem only fair that the other person apologizes first — but that’s rarely the case.
Decide on healing, and take some defining the type of closure that you need. We all need closure when it comes to hurtful or stressful situations, but that reconciliation isn’t always forthcoming from the other person. Take charge of the situation and do what feels right for you. Either turn the other cheek, or address the issue openly, in a non-critical manner. Let the other person know (in calm, rational terms) how they’ve injured you or crossed your boundaries, and let them know that you will no longer allow for that behavior in future.
If you want to close the chapter on a grudge that’s gone sour, you have to take action and close the chapter. Waiting for others to do what needs done today is a sure-fire recipe for disappointment. Don’t let someone else be responsible for your happiness. Decide to reconcile and get the closure that you need to move and feel better about yourself and your life.
2. Embrace your power in the situation
Too often, we forget that we have the power to change and affect things right here and now in the present moment. Our grudges often stem from this feeling of powerlessness, or the general perception that we have less power than the other person involved. The truth of course is that this person only has as much power as we give them — and only we have the ability to take back that power for ourselves.
Embrace the true power that you possess and realize that you have the strength and the choice to make things different from this moment forward. You can’t change what happened in the past, but you can change how you move forward and exist in the future you’re creating for yourself. Stop and take a minute to assess what the reality of the power dynamic is between you and your enemy. Only when you equal things out, will you be able to get the closure that you need.
Find forgiveness through your own strength and charity, rather than waiting for those qualities to manifest in the behaviors of someone who has already wronged you. Clinging to anger or resentment only hurts our authentic sense of self. Let go of all the anger and the hurt and the pain by taking charge of your own life and embracing the true power at the core of who you are.
3. Try to find common ground
As humans, we all slip up and make mistake. For this reason, it’s impossible to reach perfection and it’s impossible to move through life without causing hurt or injury to others. When we realize this, it becomes easier to find common ground with anyone — critical when it comes to resolving the pain of a long-held grudge.
If you’re ready to let go of your grudge, start the process by finding common ground with the person who has wronged you. Our conflicts highlight the differences between us, but they also highlight the better ways in which we can learn to coexist. Rather than looking at this person forever as a villain, try to look at where they might be coming from. We’re all just trying to make it through. If you were on the other side of the conflict, can you really say you would have behaved differently?
When we take some time to truly consider the full experience of someone we feel at odds with, we can often find that we have more in common with them than we once thought — goals included. Realizing this can allow you unlock some truly incredible opportunities, but it can also help you foster a greater sense of awareness and compassion. Before you wash your hands, take some time to take a look from the other side of the sink. Things might look a little different from that angle.
Note: The word try has been used here, because it’s not always possible to find common ground. In those situations, is is often best to get the closure that you can and walk away, respectfully.
4. Don’t let the grudge take on a life of its own
Negativity has a way of forcing us to ruminate, and become hyper-focused on all the bad and horrible things that are going on around us. Grudges take on a life of their own, but when that happens, they also begin to steal our personal power from us. In order to step out of the rumination box and find happiness again, you have to stop the grudge from taking on a life of its own. But that’s something that takes time and practice to master.
According to a study conducted by York University, evidence shows that letting go of a grudge sooner rather than later is actually beneficial for your wellbeing and peace of mind. When we resolve our pain before the roots can set in, we actually bypass a lot of heartache, leaving ourselves the room we need to find our way back to healing.
If you’re not ready for resolution, take a little time each day detaching yourself from the conflict and the pain and anger you feel associated with it. Journal about the way the situation is making you feel, and try to view the situation from a removed, impartial third-party. Would they see this as something that should be brooded on forever? Or would they tell you to start letting go and move on? Once your grudge takes on a life of its own, it’s too late to as yourself these questions. By that point, your pain is already in charge.
5. Learn how to spot the rational and irrational
Despite all their negative effects, grudges actually do serve a purpose. Our grudges are actually a defense mechanism, by which we attempt to avoid being hurt in the future by building up walls against a certain person or a certain type of person. It’s just another way we try to protect ourselves from the dangers of the big bad world, but it’s another defense mechanism that’s more self-defeating than anything else.
Spend some time with your grudge and try to get to the root of why you really feel so offended or injured by the actions, words or behaviors of the other person. Are you concerned that their words signal some deeper truth? Or are you concerned that their behavior will someone change the perception that others have of you? Sometimes the fears we have surrounding our grudges have rational roots, and sometimes they have irrational ones. Know the difference and know what battles to fight and which to avoid.
If the fears or apprehensions you have surrounding a grudge or conflict are concrete (think physical or professional retaliation, emotional abuse, etc.) — then take the steps you need to resolve things sooner rather than later. The longer you leave real and rational concerns by the wayside, the more they will eat away at your happiness and your sense of who you are in this world.
Putting it all together…
Grudges are toxic and destructive defense mechanisms that help us to defeat ourselves more than anyone else. Holding on to a grudge will leave you feeling upset, lethargic and insecure, but it can also take a serious toll on your overall health and wellbeing. If you want to start feeling happy and healthy again, you have to start by healing all those internal hurts and grudges which leave you chained to the emotions and experiences that no longer serve you.
Make the decision to reconcile your pain, and spend some time with those emotions in order to sort out what it is you need (exactly) from the closure that you’re seeking. Embrace the power you have to change the situation right here and now, and try to find common ground with the person who you believe has offended you. Don’t let the grudge take on a life of its own, rather, pull yourself together and learn how to identify the rational and irrational aspects of what you’re feeling. Our grudges are not always reality, but only you can force yourself to see that. Let go of your anger and learn how to find happiness again. It feels so much better.
