Letting Go of Being Righteous: How Cultivating Curiosity Can Improve Your Relationships
Stop judging; start wondering
We’re a silly little bunch, us humans. Without asking, we get pushed into this world. Around 4–5 years old, we start to become self-aware, and then it starts—the continuous questioning.
Who am I? What do I want? Why are things so hard? How can I make things easier? What do I need to do to get more of this? What do I need to do to get less of that? What do I want to be when I grow up? How can I know if they like me back? What is good? What is bad? What is it all for? How the fuck am I supposed to “earn” enough money to stay alive in this economy?
And so we all struggle through the same phases, albeit with a million different outcomes. But we all have one thing in common; no one knows what the fuck they’re doing. (Not even the cocky ones who claim they do. Take away their privileges and see how well they function then.)
We’ve been given this life, this one life, with zero instructions and countless possibilities.
It seems like you can’t really go wrong that way. I mean, if there is no rulebook, anything goes, right?
Unfortunately, there is this thing called society, and as we grow up and wear our superhero capes to school and make funny noises, we quickly learn there is indeed a rulebook. But no one knows where it is and what it exactly says. However, when you inadvertently break a rule, someone always points it out.
You can’t do that. You can’t say that. Be quiet. Sit still. Don’t say weird things. Do as you’re told.
And yes, even the rebels, sooner or later, internalize the rule book. And by the time we’re adults, most of our time is filled with doing things we are supposed to do.
Of course, sometimes we do what we want because that makes us happy, but generally, that is frowned upon. And before you know it, you get whacked back into line by the invisible rule book.
And to add insult to injury — the whacking is often done by the people dearest to us. Our friends, family, and the voice in the back of our heads.
The whacking is often triggered by the need to be right. The urge to do things the right way.
But since we live in a world filled with endless possibilities, only restrained by the rules of physics, it is silly to think there is only one right way to do things. And even though it is well-intended, it is even sillier to think that we need to keep telling people that they’re doing things the wrong way and that they should do things the way we feel is right.
It comes from a place of love, obviously, but who the fuck are we to act like a knowledgeable authority when it comes to taking the right path?
It’s important to remember that just because something doesn’t make sense to us doesn’t mean it’s wrong. We should strive to be open-minded and accepting of different approaches and ideas, even if they differ from our own — yes, including the downright dumb ones. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to navigate this world the best we can.
Shift your perspective: instead of assuming, find out what is actually happening
“I need to talk to you about something private. Lunch walk tomorrow?”
My work BFF had been in a good mood all week. And as soon as we were at a safe distance from the office, where all the walls have ears, she giddily told me about running into an old flame from high school. They had been texting since, and the texts had become rather flirty — often even downright dirty.
And there is nothing necessarily wrong with flirting over text — except when you’re both in monogamous marriages.
“You have to stop it,” I said. Her face fell. “Of course, I am going to stop it. But right now, I just want to share how it makes me feel.”
We spend the rest of our walk talking about how hard it is to remain passionate after 20 years of marriage and how she’s happy that she can still feel sensual and desirable.
She didn’t need me to tell her she had to stop texting another man; she knew her actions were questionable. But by pointing out the obvious, I robbed her of what she really wanted — talk about how happy she is that her inner fire is still burning brightly, and that she is now experimenting with how to keep the fire ablaze inside her marriage.
Because of my urge to be right and smack her with the rulebook — cheating is wrong!! — I nearly missed out on having a great conversation about passion and how it changes in a long-term relationship. Instead of being righteous, I had to be curious — curious about her thoughts and feelings.
She is a grown woman. She is smart. She didn’t need my assumptions and my accompanying knee-jerk reaction.
When you shift your perspective and turn down your righteousness and turn up your curiosity, your relationships improve. Find out what’s really happening with the people around you instead of whacking them in the face with the rulebook.
It takes courage to open ourselves up to new ideas and ways of thinking, but it can ultimately lead to a deeper level of understanding and connection with those around us.
Embrace not-knowing
I don’t know what I am doing with my life. Or, to quote the great philosopher Ruth Langmore from the tv-show Ozark:
I don’t know shit about fuck.
And honestly, neither do you.
Our opinions and solutions are often quite superficial and trite.
Yes, your friend should leave her mediocre husband; he doesn’t appreciate her, and she deserves better.
And yes, of course, your other friend should quit her job.
And yes, people should eat healthily and exercise more. And yes, we should all watch less TV, read more books, use less plastic, buy less crap, stop falling for clickbait, stop spreading misinformation, get off social media, and whatnot.
Knowing what is right and doing what is right are two different things.
People are multifaceted. Life is multifaceted. And life is not nearly as malleable as self-help gurus want us to believe.
If life was malleable and behavior could easily be changed, we’d all be in perfect relationships, making a shit ton of money in our dream jobs, while at the same time cooking fresh meals every day, work-out, volunteering, and adopting three orphans each.
Superficially, telling a friend what is good for them is easy. But honestly, you don’t know. We don’t even know what is good for ourselves.
Our brains are wired to seek out immediate pleasure and gratification, rather than considering the long-term consequences of our actions. This can lead us to make choices that feel good at the moment but may not be in our best interest in the long run.
Should you invest in improving your strained relationship, or should you break up?
Should you quit your job and hope something better comes along, or should you accept that every job has downsides?
Should you live frugally and save up all your money, or should you spend money on travel and make great memories?
There hardly ever is a right or a wrong choice. You make a choice, things happen, and you might not like the outcome. Often life isn’t about making the best choice, but about making a choice and then making the best of your situation.
The fact is, in multifaceted situations, we don’t know what’s best. Not for us and certainly not for other people.
Only Captain Hindsight knows if you’ve made the right decision. And it is never one solution that fits all.
Yes, some couples should break up after infidelity. Other couples should stay together and work on strengthening their bond. You might have an opinion on what’s best for your friend, but you don’t know.
And by cultivating not-knowing and curiosity, we improve our relationships. Stop giving unsolicited advice. If a friend wants to talk to you, all you have to do is be curious. Help them figure out what they feel, think, want.
Trust me; most people don’t need you to point out their “bad” behavior. People in an unhealthy relationship know they belong on an episode of Dr. Phil, not on the front page of a fairy tale book. Fat people know they’re fat, alcoholics know they should get help, and it should be legally allowed for depressed people to stab anyone who tells them they should try yoga.
Life is way too complex to bother the people we love with obnoxious platitudes.
Just divorce him! Eat more vegetables! Go for daily walks! Just stop worrying about the thing that keeps you awake at night!
We don’t know shit about fuck. Which is why we should stop judging and start wondering. Because then you can have amazing conversations with your friends. Don’t stop them in their tracks by smacking them with the invisible rulebook, but expand your minds together by wandering through the field of endless possibilities that life is made of.
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