Letter to a Grieving Son
How my mother’s death was met with relief, and not sadness or guilt.
Iknew once Cheyne-Stokes breathing set it, my mother’s time on Earth would be limited. Not how I envisioned her living her last minutes, surrounded by in-laws and me. Such a sad way to make an exit.
I grabbed her hand while she fought to breathe, feeling how hard she flexed her muscles. She knew I was there. I saw the nurse pull out a folded piece of paper from the dresser drawer and she slid it next to me.
I turned to eye her, noticing her point to what was labeled on the paper, ‘Open when she passes on’. Within two minutes, I was walking out of my mother’s room, finding a private place to sit and read a letter written by my now deceased mother. Here, before me was the last item my mother wrote.
The pristine folds of the letter exemplified her Capricorn nature, her last aim at perfection. As delicate as possible, I unfolded the letter. Her words became a living archive of her last thoughts:
Dear Son,
By the time you read this letter, I will be long gone from this world. I would have already taken my last breath. I am sure your aunt has already dialed the number to EJ’s Funeral Home to pick up my lifeless body.
I always loved your aunt’s approach to everything. I called it proactive but others called it opportunistic, bless her heart.
I write this letter to you because I know you are grieving right now and I know your aunts are making you feel guilty about a lot of things. You were the best son you could be. Remember that.
You always made me proud, making good grades and always choosing to do the right thing. I know you were concerned about my drug usage. You didn’t have money to take care of me because you could barely take care of yourself, but that is not your fault. I forgive you.
No one will ever understand what you have gone through in life. We sheltered you. I never taught you the value of expression.
I taught you and your brother that strength is silent and emotions are checked at the door. Allow people to think what they will. You loved me unconditionally and that is all I wanted from you.
I lived a good life. I didn’t conquer the world, have a mansion, or become an active member of the community, but I still had a rich life. Money didn’t make me rich. It was having two beautiful sons that gave me the wealth of love I experienced.
Overcome your fears, my son, for the world will try to test you. Remember who you are and whose you are by keeping the faith and Christian values I have set for you.
Lastly, let go of the bad decisions I have made. I am no longer suffering, I am no longer harming myself. I am at peace and at ease. My love will forever comfort you.
Love always,
Mama
