SATIRE | HUMOR

Let’s Talk About Personal Hygiene & Friends for a Minute

This is satire, and some of what I am going to say might hurt your feelings. Get over it and just fix it! Of course, some of it is just made-up BS. You have to decide what is worthwhile and what is a signal that you need to change your habits

Showers & Deodorant

I was watching some YouTube videos, and in the comment section, this guy wrote, “I was drying off with my towel, and as I started to wipe my face when I suddenly realized I couldn’t remember which part of the towel I used to wipe my ass.”

Yes, I like to read the comments because most of those are more entertaining than the videos.

I replied, “If you are worried about getting shit on your face, you should probably get back in the shower and wash your ass.”

As Redd Foxx would say, “Not your whole ass, but your asshole.” Redd was a funny MFer; may he RIP. I’m sure he and Richard Pryor are sitting up there telling jokes and laughing their MFAO.

Oh, what? Don’t you think Richard and Redd went to Heaven? Why not? Because they drank, cussed, and snorted cocaine? Oh, shit, I’m going to H-E double toothpicks!

Well, if that’s the case. Fuck it! As my mother used to say, “I don’t want to go to Heaven anyway, I wouldn’t know a soul. Who the hell would I talk to? Jesus? He died a 33-year-old virgin. We’d have nothing in common.”

Yeah, my mom was just like that. She would tell you exactly what was on her mind while sipping her Jim Beam and water. She did not give a fuck.

But anyway, we were talking about showers/baths and deodorant if you are not going to shower before you go out, at least put on some roll-on.

No, cologne will not cover up the smell emanating from your armpits. I don’t care how much of that shit you spray all over you. Sweat smells louder than cologne.

Brushing Your Teeth

My stars, you don’t have to brush three times a day and sing happy birthday while doing it, but twice a day will do it. I brush and carry those mint strips.

Tooth Brushing Song by Blippi | 2-Minutes Brush Your Teeth for Kids

Yeah, if you have kids, nieces, or nephews, you know about Blippi, and you’ll get sick of hearing that shit in a hurry. But they don’t.

They’ll stand there in front of the TV, swinging their hips to the music and smiling — just like some of y’all did with Barney or Mr. Rogers.

Who will carry a toothbrush and toothpaste with them when they go out? Nobody, but have some respect. Those little mint strip cost about nothing — you can buy a big box of them at Amazon, Sam’s, or BJ’s. Or try Binaca — “The blast that last.”

That’s another thing, if you gave someone a BJ or licked the spicket, don’t kiss someone else on the mouth. Jeez, Louise! That’s just gross.

So, all that reminded me of the dialogue between Chandler and Joey from Friends, “The One Where Joey Moves Out,” and it kind of wraps this all up.

Joey licks his spoon after finishing his Capt’n Crunch and puts it back in the drawer the conversation comes down to this:

Joey Tribbiani: Hey, why can’t we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

Chandler Bing: Because soap is soap. It’s self-cleaning.

Joey Tribbiani: Well, next time you shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

Friends — The One Where Joey Moves Out

The first 0:59 seconds are the most essential.

So yeah, don’t use other people’s toothbrushes, but do use deodorant, Listerine strips, or a Binaca blast!

Peace out!

NOTE: This post contains affiliate links. When you click on a link and buy the product, I make a small commission, which does not change your price.

Stephen Dalton is an Old Town native, retired US Army First Sergeant with a degree in journalism from the University of Maryland, and a Certified US English Chicago Manual of Style Editor. Also, a Top Writer in Books & Authors, Travel, Fiction, NFL, Design, Creativity, and Short Stories.

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