Let’s Talk About Mothering

The Bitter Sweet of It!

Leaving home

As mothers, we expect and, to some degree, look forward to the day our children leave home to make a life for themselves. We like to imagine they go with our blessing. But not always.

Three weeks ago, when my two daughters — now mothers — were waving me off to make a life for myself in another state, it all felt surreal.

I felt free … but I also felt rejected.

Healing past wounds

In my story How a Screwed Up Time in My Life Turned into a Sweet Surrender, I opened up about how, last December, my children decided to hold a huge family Christmas Eve gathering like we used to do when the family was whole. And how they made space at the table for their father but did not invite me.

I shared how I ended my long marriage so their father could go live with the woman he said he loved. That I never left my kids. I left their father. At the height of my grief and loss, I stayed close to help my adult children and grandchildren heal.

I couldn’t bear to see my son and daughters eviscerating each other to please their vindictive father.

My wish, as their mother, has always been that they reconnect lovingly with each other, and my grandies grow up in this close-knit circle of uplifting love.

Having the best adventure

Recently I flew home for ten days and had the best time spoiling my grandies in the most non-subtle ways.

My partner Gordy and I took five of my nine grandies — aged between 5 to 12 — down to the beach in the middle of winter to play in the surf, skip rocks across the water, jump sand dunes, run sprints on the sand.

Afterwards, we descended on the local park and Flying Fox ride. Nanny hung upside down on the Fox, as I love to do, and made everyone laugh!

Then after a rushed feed of fish and chips, we headed to an enormous state-of-the-art indoor climbing, trampolining and activity complex. It was an insane afternoon.

Next day, my daughters surprised Gordy with a 60th birthday party.

We wrapped our arms around the grandkids and laughed with them as we ate ice-cream birthday cake.

We bathed the baby in the kitchen sink and accidently gave her a bloody lip!

We stood on the sidelines and watched grandies (girls and boys) play Aussie rules Football.

We made every minute matter!

Then Nanny did what she always does — I made an HD movie (with an excellent soundtrack!) for the grandies to keep and to remind the grown-ups how sweet it is to share precious time together.

Choosing to love

Circling back to why I felt rejected, it took me a day or two to mull it over, going inward to recognise old belief patterns rising.

I imagined — from a wounded place — that my daughters were glad to be rid of me. My son wasn’t in touch. Moving away meant they wouldn’t have to include me in their lives. In that headspace, I feared losing contact with my adored grandchildren. And how sad and lonely that would be — for me.

What my eldest daughter shared while driving us to the airport to catch our flight back to the Gold Coast was this:

“Mum, we’ve had a family meeting, and we all agree we want you to be happy, and Gordy makes you happy. We can see that. So go have your best life. Don’t hang around here for us. You won’t lose us. Yes, it will be different. But we’ll come to stay with you. And the older kids would love to get on a plane and spend the school holidays with you. We love you, mum.”

Optimist and healer that I am, I choose to frame my daughter’s words through the prism of love.

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