Let’s Talk
Fathoming the Unfathomable Human Mind
“ Everyman has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
An accomplished dancer herself, she was the daughter of a well known danseuse. She accompanied her mother to her dialysis sessions, and that’s how we met. Initial pleasantries revealed her paternal uncle to be my father’s friend. And we bonded. Little over three months after we met, on a sultry July afternoon, post wheeling her mother to the dialysis ward, she came to my room. Her usual way of whiling away those few hours. But that day was different. Not in her element, she slowly put her bag down, walked towards the window, and started to talk in a vacuum. She talked about life, separation and death. All of 24, a Management Trainee trying to grapple with excruciating disease onset symptoms and files piling up in my desktop, I wanted that ‘ gibberish’ to end. It did. Only after an hour when the nurse signaled and she left with her ailing mother. Next day, we woke up to the news of a young, promising dancer ‘giving up on her life’. The reasons being a divorce, depression and chronically ill mother. The morning headlines and the subsequent discussions that followed in Office, made me end the day resigning to my pillow and hyperactive lacrimal glands .I promised myself to be alert.
5 years later, tables turned and I had my first batch of trainees. I loved that batch firstly ,because it was my first, and secondly being around energetic, young people excited me. But one of them, was particularly difficult. Her off- the- cuff” Monoreena, I want to be just like you”, had been a cause of embarrassment for more occasions than one. It was April and appraisal time. A little late in the evening as I was getting ready to call it a day, my phone rang. An excited voice(of the trainee) from the other side confirmed her continuance with our Organization, as her letter of confirmation suggested. I smiled .Needless to say I did her appraisals. Deciding to celebrate she offered to treat me with cold coffee and chicken sandwich (which she knew I loved), promising to bring back some home cooked food the following day. I suggested, she takes some for her parents and little brother too, and enjoy the evening tea with her family. On our way home, she confided that, now she was confident of saying ‘ no ‘to the ‘ marriage proposal’ her father was mulling, if she was not confirmed. As I dropped her home, eyes sparkling she beamed, “See you tomorrow!”
Next day, I reached my work station to some frantic calls from the CEO’s office. Once inside, I had the most spine chilling experience of my life. The trainee’s(name withheld)father sat their in tatters ,explaining how after a fight over her proposed marriage, enraged, she locked herself in her room. Few hours into the evening, police broke open her lock to find her body cold. A half bitten sandwich and freshly brewed Darjeeling tea( purchase part of her celebrations) lay on the dining table.
An apparently successful professional, otherwise strong, failed in her battle with the dark. A young, effervescent girl ready to take on life with aplomb succumbed to a sudden fit of rage. I still remember a distant cousin, who lit himself up, following his failure to find his name in Engineering Entrance list. In ICU, battling 95% third degree burn, he told in his police statement,’ I made a mistake. I want to live’. His last wish was not granted.
The human mind is complex. A suicidal mind, unfathomable. It needs trained hands and anointed minds. Does that mean we as individuals, as citizens, as part of a larger society have nothing to offer except knee-jerk reactions, when some breaking news leaves us shell shocked? The advanced world harping heavily on IQ, often denigrate the need for EQ.Aegis and compassion are not subjects taught in school. It cannot be about just one phone call or one talk, it has to be about a sustained effort of making one feel wanted, secured and cared for. Though she left us 20 years ago, my grandmother is remembered by all who knew her, as she touched everyone’s life with pouring generosity and she resides in me more than many people who inhabit my life at present. We, humans have severe fault lines, dwelling on likes and dislikes. But each one of us can choose our group and stand by them like a rock. A person going to bed feeling loved, unconditionally, does not need a 3 AM friend to TALK. As of for me, hoping to be lucky the third time….
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds”- Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss
Thank you Dr Mehmet Yildiz for the opportunity.