Let’s Pick the Next Democratic Presidential Candidate Based on Their Dog

Everyone’s exhausted, so let’s just do it this way

I’m exhausted and so are you. Stop pretending you have the energy to watch another Democratic presidential debate — you don’t. And despite what the Twitterverse would have you believe, all the remaining candidates are great and we’d be lucky to have any one of them. Let’s just pick one already and then take our dogs to the beach.

This is the rule: if a candidate doesn’t have a dog, they’re disqualified. The reasoning behind this is so obvious I’m not even going to explain it. Let’s jump right in.

Disqualified Candidates

Unfortunately, Bernie Sanders, Amy Klobuchar, Julián Castro, Tulsi Gabbard and Marianne Williamson apparently don’t have dogs. (I’d love to be wrong about any of these candidates, so please let me know if I am). I’m sure they’re still great people, and it hurts me to write this, because like a lot of people, I really love Amy Klobuchar. But rules are rules.

Special Exception for Cory Booker

Cory Booker doesn’t have a dog, but in 2013 he rescued one from the freezing cold so he gets to remain in the race, as long as he promises to get a dog upon election. Not inauguration, but election. And it has to be a rescue dog and the country gets to vote on the name.

Michael Bloomberg: Possibly Disqualified

In 2011 the paper of record reported that Michael Bloomberg has two golden labs named Bonnie and Clyde, but he doesn’t really like them.

I frankly don’t know how to process this. I guess if you’re a billionaire you can afford to take care of sentient, emotional, loyal beings you don’t even like. To be fair, it seems that his girlfriend gave them to him as Christmas present, which was clearly just a present for herself which is very Jedi-mind-tricky, so hats off to her.

Joe Biden

In 2018, after fostering for a few months, Uncle Joe adopted a German Shepherd named Major, who joined Joe Biden’s other German Shepherd, Champ. And I’m sorry, but would you look at the lottery winner expression on Major’s face? I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Fostering first demonstrates Biden’s careful and thoughtful decision making process, and the fact that he has two humongous German shepherds will hopefully get those folks throwing ageist criticism at him to pipe down a bit. Newsflash: we are all aging. And ask yourself, will you be able to manage two rescued German Shepherds when you’re seventy-five? Didn’t think so.

Pete Buttigieg

Pete Buttigieg and his husband Chasten Buttigieg have two very good boys, Truman and Buddy. Both were rescued at different times, so hats off to the Buttigieg family for not only rescuing two dogs, but providing great example of peaceful coalition building. Now do the Middle East.

Elizabeth Warren

Unless you crawled under the covers in November of 2016 and never came out, you know about Bailey, Elizabeth Warren’s smooshable (that’s the technical term) golden retriever, who goes on the campaign trail with her.

Major points to Senator Warren letting this good boy tag along; I hope if she wins he also gets to help pick her cabinet. Although come to think of it, my dad once came home to our golden retriever wagging his tail while someone broke into our house, so Bailey might be too friendly for that job.

There is the teeny tiny possible controversy that Bailey does not seem to be a rescue dog, and while breeders do have their place in the world, I’d prefer to see the candidates walk the walk on this issue. But on the other hand, Senator Warren appears to have no other vices whatsoever, and if she loves golden retrievers and wanted a fancy one, by all means, get it girl. But like Cory Booker, if she’s elected I hope she promises to adopt an overlooked senior dog to hang with Bailey. (As always, the country gets to vote on the name).

Tom Steyer: I can’t figure out if he has a dog

I can’t figure out whether Tom Steyer has a dog. I know he has a ranch, and I think there is a dog named Gus somewhere, but the answer wasn’t obvious after extensive research, and by that I mean going to the end of the first page of Google results.

I went to his website and not only was the answer not obvious there, but the category-thingies on the website slide around and it’s annoying and I didn’t feel like trying to figure this out anymore, because I was frankly more curious about Andrew Yang.

Andrew Yang: I think he might have a dog

I think Andrew Yang has a dog, but it’s like he’s protecting his/her privacy or something because I can’t find any information after extensively researching the issue, which again means I went halfway down the first page of Google results and stopped. I did find mention of a dog when Yang discussed his surprisingly sweet morning routine.

Yang is not disqualified yet, but we’re going to need some proof of dog. Also, not for nothing, but if we get to do this $1,000-a-month-for-everyone thing then I’m just going to give mine to all the low cost spay and neuter clinics because enough of this homeless dog stuff already. Of course, enough of this homeless people stuff too. (Cat people, I haven’t forgotten you. Homeless cats are also bad). We are the most powerful country in the world and this is all getting so ridiculous.

Whom should you vote for?

By my current calculations the top three candidates, based on the awesomeness of their dogs which is the only metric that matters, are Biden, Buttigieg, and Warren. But watch out for Booker or Yang, who as I mentioned could turn this whole thing around.

Now that the field has been narrowed down to five, print photos of each one and lay them on the living room floor. Tell your dog to “come” and to “choose” or “vote” — whichever command they are most familiar with is fine. The photograph they sniff first is your candidate.

Once that’s decided, stop thinking about it and take your dog for a nice long walk.