Let’s Just Kill Comedy So That No One Will Ever Be Offended Again

It’s what the neurotic mob wants. We should listen to them.

Comedy.

An angel to most.

A demon to a delicate few.

But without a doubt, it is the enemy of all that is good and pure in our humanity.

Since the days of Shakespeare’s comedies, entertainers have been operating under the ghastly belief that they can make “jokes” about the nonsensical aspects of society that we can all relate to.

And it needs to stop.

I think it’s about time we transubstantiated “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” into divine law, and I have good reason to believe so.

Being on Twitter means I have my finger on the pulse of our culture, and have the loud opinions to prove it.

Let me tell you, it’s an emotional bloodbath out there.

You may feel the urge to brush off these noisy feelings as merely the result of helicopter parenting, a vegan diet, and a general lack of purpose in life.

But I assure you, the hysterical opinions from these poor, advantaged folks with comfy jobs and a surplus of time on their hands are actually a portent of just how apocalyptic the world will become if comedians are free to shoot mayhem and carnage out of their mouths with impunity.

Think of the feelings! Won’t you think of the feelings? Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the feelings?!

Feelings are always the first victims in culture wars, and this conflict is no different.

Forget real life; look at your fellow humans in the digital realm of the internet and take note of the feelings of cultural critics that are being brutally beaten by violent ideas and monstrous words posing as gags, goofs, and quips.

And as we all know, it’s the affluent, cushioned commentariat that knows what’s best for those of us who are just trying to get by and are merely looking for a break from all of this ultra-factual talk about privilege, bias, and diversity.

If you doubt me, go to Twitter — a place that sanity, civility, and nuance call their home — and see just how offensive jokes have turned millennials, renowned for our iron constitutions, into frantic toddlers begging for the comforting milk of our mothers’ nipples.

Even a comedian’s noxious wisecracks from the past have the ability to claw their way out of obscurity to wreak havoc on our emotions like zombies rising from the grave of a barbarian age, eager to feast on our urbanity like so many luscious brains.

Since our nonpartisan society dictates that we all pick a side, we must ask ourselves this question: “What’s more important, the porcelain sensibilities of a handful of people who think they know what’s best for the masses, or the freedom of humorists to say some words out loud?”

The former, clearly.

While I begrudgingly cede that words don’t kill people, I also submit to you that that doesn’t mean that someone, someday won’t give up the ghost caused by the toxic tyranny of some mean-spirited speech.

If comedians aren’t going to castrate their jokes themselves, then it’s time we criminalize humor.

Why comedians feel the need to make a joke out of dark subjects and test the boundaries of acceptability to distract us from our dour existence is between them and their profane Muses.

But if they continue to maintain that unholy union with their Nameless Gods of Inspiration, then it’s time for us to exorcise them of any comedic demons they may harbor and force them to be more humane like us. Or face our enlightened outrage.

Cancel culture and deplatforming were a great start, but it’s not enough if we really want to send a message to other potential culprits that their noxious observations are no longer welcome in our tolerant society.

Whether it’s through a Netflix special, a podcast, or a TV show, it seems like everyday some joker sucker punches us in the groin of our enlightened civilization with a supposedly lighthearted goof that’s actually quite lethal to our collective thought health.

Yes, studies have shown that violent, misogynistic, and politically incorrect jokes have no negative impact on those who consume them, but why take the chance?

And that’s why if you so much as tweeted something hurtful about a marginalized group, even if only one member of said group was offended by your quip, capital punishment should not be taken off the table as a valid penalty for your artistic crime.

Even if what you said was said while you were still a child, you should expect no less than a public flogging.

Remember, adults are always defined by the handful of naughty word-crimes they committed in their youth. I’m pretty sure the Dalai Buddha said that or something.

But why stop there? I have it on good authority that comedians are quite flammable. Where cancel culture fails, fire should succeed as an appropriate punishment for these murderous linguistic terrorists.

Think of the beauty of a comedy-less future — no color, no ideas, and, most importantly, no hurt feelings.

Don’t you want to raise your children in a world where imagination and whimsy are relics of a more cruel, vulgar era?

Who needs original thought when it’s safer and easier to think like the rest of the swarm and never question the status quo, even if only in jest?

I dream of a pristine cultural destiny that’s free from the intellectual nihilism of comedy and the innocent corpses that are sure to lay in its wake, where those who do not agree with our forgiving divinity have been cast out like so much bigoted debris.

But just because we’ve outlawed comedy and intend to enforce it with the utmost discrimination, doesn’t mean there’ll be no room for amusement in our emotionally padded and protected future.

If we want entertainment, we can just hug each other for fun. Or bake soufflés. Or volunteer at rehabilitation centers for ex-coms (former comedians who’ve served their life sentences).

I admit that my views represent those shared by only a microscopic portion of the population, but I feel that it’s still my God-mandated duty to tell the rest of the population what’s funny and what isn’t.

So if the mob feels like it’s time to put comedy in the ground, that’s enough for me.

After all, feelings are all we need to make good decisions about the future of our society, right?

If my snarkastic satire hasn’t triggered you yet, here’s another article that’s bound to grab you by the booboo: