Let’s Face it, I am Out of Spoons

Summary

Christina Ward discusses her experience with chronic pain and fatigue as a "Spoonie," someone who must ration their energy due to illness, and how the "Spoon Theory" has provided her with a sense of understanding and community.

Abstract

Christina Ward, a writer and poet from North Carolina, shares her journey of coming to terms with being a "Spoonie," a term used in the chronic illness community to describe individuals with limited energy reserves. She explains the "Spoon Theory," which uses spoons as a metaphor for units of energy, to illustrate the daily challenges of managing her chronic pain and activities. Ward details her personal struggles with pain, particularly in her back and neck, and how this affects her daily life, forcing her to prioritize her tasks and energy expenditure. Despite the difficulties, she finds joy in moments like riding her bicycle, writing, and cooking, even on days when pain is more manageable. Ward emphasizes the importance of self-care and patience, both from herself and others, as she navigates life with chronic pain.

Opinions

Ward initially felt shocked upon learning she was a "Spoonie" but now understands it makes sense and provides a sense of ownership over her condition.
She criticizes the tendency to label every condition as a syndrome but acknowledges that the "Spoon Theory" has been validating and helpful in explaining her chronic pain issues.
Ward values the importance of being mindful and appreciating small moments, which is encouraged by the necessity of planning her day around her energy levels.
She expresses frustration with the unpredictability of chronic pain and the challenge of not knowing how her body will process pain from day to day.
Despite the limitations imposed by her condition, Ward maintains a positive outlook, enjoying activities like bike riding and writing, and does not regret the experiences that may contribute to her pain.
She advocates for understanding and patience from others towards those who identify as Spoonies, highlighting the loneliness and struggle of living with a chronic illness.

I am a Spoonie.

I was quite shocked to learn this but now it all makes sense. This is not one of those things where you just have to have a label for something so that it gives you some kind of weird “ownership”…

“…for My Hep-C I use blah blah blah…” “…what I do for my low nutrient uptake disturbed gut, or LNUDG, is blah blah blah…”

Everything is a syndrome these days. And people like having a name for what ails them. But what the heck is a Spoonie?

The Mighty explained it so eloquently here:

“Spoonie” is a term commonly used in the chronic illness community to refer to those who have limited amounts — or “spoons” — of energy each day due to their illness. Everyone has a different number of spoons, and the number of spoons you have varies from day to day. Based on the “spoon theory” by Christine Miserandino, the analogy of spoons can help explain what it feels like to be chronically ill. Each task you do costs a certain number of spoons, so you have to choose carefully which activities you choose to spend them on. And once you’ve run out of spoons, that’s it.

Being a spoonie not only means managing physical symptoms such as pain or fatigue, but constantly being aware of your condition and deciding how to spend your day. The life of a spoonie may be physically and mentally exhausting, but by slowing down and taking the time to think through each day, it can also encourage us to be more mindful and appreciate the small moments each day has to offer.

I had written a blog post recently on my Fiddleheads & Floss Wordpress blog and that post opened up the world of “Spoon Theory” as I shared and promoted the blog post on my Twitter feed. “Oh, you’re a Spoonie!” One lady commented — I am …a…WHAT?

Spoon Theory

I read up on Spoon Theory. For the first time in years…I felt understood. How is it that I have never thought to explain my chronic pain issues in this manner? It makes perfect sense!

Spoon Theory basically is the theory that you begin your day with a certain number of spoons and each spoon represents an even amount of energy and physical ability to get something accomplished. Each activity that you do during your day “costs” a certain amount of spoons based on how difficult it is for you to perform the activity and how well you are feeling afterward. This makes perfect sense to me.

Living with chronic pain means that you spend most of your day tailoring your activities based on what you know you’re going to be able to do. Or you spend your time trying to make up for the activities that you did do. Everything has a cost.

I’m not sure exactly how I got to be this way except to say that I had a wreck in 2010 that the following doctor’s appointments said did not do anything to significantly injure my back.

But today my lower back and my neck tell a different story. Today I see a chiropractor for the issues in my spine but every day is different and I never know where the pain might be. Today has been a terrible day for pain.

Today the pain is in my neck. I can’t turn my head to either side without significant pain in the center of my back all the way up through my neck. Who knows how many days I’ll be this way? That’s the thing with chronic pain and what makes it chronic. Who knows why my body has started to process pain differently but it has. This is my reality.

So I calculate what is important enough to me to spend my spoons on. For example Robbie brought me a bicycle. I wanted to ride it. And I did. Is this where my neck pain is coming from? Probably not because I missed my chiropractic appointment on Friday and I can just about guarantee you that I am way overdue for an adjustment and something is out of line in my neck. Perhaps it got out of line as I was riding my bike? All I know is I had a damn good time riding my bike and I don’t regret it one minute.

When you have chronic pain you have to look at life differently. You have to decide what is worthy of your time and what is worth putting your body through. You have to be careful how you allocate your energy both physically and mentally. Some days I can’t cut the vegetables so I find someone to cut the vegetables for me because I love cooking. There are some days I can not walk well. So I take advantage of those days and work on my writing. Has anyone noticed I write a lot?

So today, I am out of spoons. And this is okay. Hopefully tomorrow I will use my spoons wisely and the pain will start to dissipate. If it doesn’t, I will deal with it. I’ll be a little more kind with myself and a little more self-pampering while I go through the pain and eventually the flare-up will dissipate. To me there are two types of pain: tolerable and intolerable. Right now this is tolerable misery. And I’ve had worse.

So if you hear someone remark that they are a Spoonie, try to understand. Try to be a little patient with them and ask them how they are doing from time to time. It can get a bit lonely being Spoonie. The world doesn’t slow down and wait for us to catch up. We have to move at our own pace and just accept that we do the best we can!

Let’s Face it, I am Out of Spoons

being a “spoonie” is not much fun

I am a Spoonie.

The Mighty explained it so eloquently here:

Spoon Theory