Summary

The author, J.C. Anne Brown, expresses a strong dislike for antler headbands at children's holiday concerts, calling for a ban on them due to their obstruction of parents' views and their lack of benefit for the children wearing them.

Abstract

In an impassioned plea, J.C. Anne Brown shares her deep frustration with antler headbands worn by children at holiday concerts. Recounting a personal experience where her view of her daughter was blocked by such a headband during a school concert, she argues that these accessories serve no practical purpose and do not enhance the children's performance or appearance. Brown advocates for a moratorium on antler headbands, emphasizing their negative impact on the concert experience for both parents and children. She humorously challenges the practice of parents placing these headbands on their children and suggests that by collectively refraining from their use, future concerts can be enjoyed without visual hindrance.

Opinions

The author has a profound disdain for antler headbands, particularly in the context of holiday concerts.
Antler headbands are seen as a selfish choice by parents, prioritizing holiday spirit over the viewing experience of others.
The author believes that antler headbands do not contribute positively to a child's performance or appearance and are not a solution to stage fright.
Brown feels that antler headbands significantly detract from the concert experience for parents trying to watch their children perform.
The author humorously suggests that antler headbands are the "bane of [her] existence" and should be eliminated.
There is a call to action for an immediate ban on antler headbands at holiday concerts to prevent future obstruction and enhance the overall enjoyment of such events.

Let’s Ban Antler Headbands, Okay?

Toss them in the fireplace. Throw them in the trash. Better yet, don’t buy them to begin with.

A short time ago, I wrote about an extremely disappointing experience I had involving a reindeer antler headband. It was a short piece, only 149 words.

And guess what I discovered?

That missive wasn’t nearly long enough.

It only scratched the surface of my deep, pervasive disdain for this particular brand of holiday accessory.

Here’s what I had really longed to say: I hate antler headbands. And they are the bane of my existence.

To catch you up on what happened, I recently attended my daughter’s school holiday concert. While driving to said concert, I prayed to the heavens that my daughter wouldn’t be standing behind a fellow student who had selfishly decided to adorn his or her head with a freakin’ antler headband.

“I sure hope this concert is reindeer-antler free,” I said matter-of-factly as I pulled our car into a parking space.

You see, this, I believe, was precisely the moment when the universe decided to laugh at me and show me who’s boss.

Cut to my daughter’s class weaving their way onto the concert risers: My daughter was behind the one child wearing reindeer antlers.

Of course she was.

For 45 minutes, I sat zombie-like in a state of quiet frustration as a set of ugly-ass red, fuzzy reindeer antlers obstructed the view of my child’s face.

And for what?

Antler headbands don’t make a child sing better.

Antler headbands don’t make a child look better.

And I’m pretty sure antler headbands aren’t the antidote to stage fright.

But I’ll tell you what reindeer antler headbands are damn good for: They ruin the concert for the parent — and the child who is unlucky enough to be placed in the headband’s wake.

And when my daughter attempted to find me watching her, she couldn’t.

Because, again, reindeer antlers.

I’m telling you: these things need to be wiped off the face of the earth.

Yeah, I said it. Who gon check me, boo?

I’ll tell you who needs to be checked: These parents running around here throwing antler headbands on their kid’s head before holiday concerts. That’s who.

I announced the following in my first piece, but it bears repeating — especially for the cheap seats in the back (no pun intended): I’m calling for an immediate moratorium on the wearing of antler headbands during holiday concerts.

If we collectively act now, there’s still time to save the fate of performances everywhere.

You’re welcome.