Let you’re pain be you’re superpower!!!

I went through most of my childhood feeling lost, with the constant question of why me?

I felt the world owed me a favour, and I wanted everyone else to suffer like I had.

I was caught up in the grief of losing who I once was. The little girl that my soul belonged to, but my mind and heart were someone else’s I didn’t yet recognise, nor did I even like her. One thing is for sure ( I thought) I shouldn’t have had to lose myself because of the filthy mind and actions of my grandfather.

So I was going to make the new version of me, someone who didn’t care, didn’t love, didn’t feel bad or sorry or guilty. I was no longer I and now her!!!

I think it all boils down to life and experience. The experiences we go through, good or bad that all shape each of us into carvings of who we are yet to become, yet to evolve into.

Whether we like those experiences or events in our lives or not , all create our sense or level of feeling and emotion.

We gain strength from going through a time in our lives that requires strength, if we need courage we then go through a time that requires courage to get through it, the same for hope, joy, happiness, success, and so on and so on.

I went through years and years praying to God: asking, begging and pleading for his saviour to rescue me, to please give me the strength to get through this time in my life that I thought I wouldn’t get through!!

I wanted to not feel what I felt, think what I thought or experience what I’d experienced.

I thought I would never get over the constant anxiety, panic, fear, shame, guilt and misery.

I thought that it would be that way forever!! How intense these feelings and emotions went through my mind, heart and body that I felt was killing me. Slowly, daily…monthly…yearly…

I didn’t want to be alive or should I say “I didn’t want to be alive in this pain”. After years of abusing my mind and body because that’s what I thought I deserved.

My self – esteem, confidence and self-worth were so low that I not only believed I wasn’t worthy of anything worthwhile in this life, I made steps into making every wrong decision I could make that created the worst life & the worst me possible!!!

I had walls built up around me so high even I couldn’t see over them. After finding my person, I tried everything possible to push him away, make life so difficult for him, for us, that the only option would be to leave me….. He didn’t by the way.

Not only did he not leave, but he has been the most constant, uplifting, encouraging, supportive, and loving person in my to date. He has shown me what real love feels like, what it was, to love myself and helped me in the most extraordinary ways, how to overcome my hurdles, boulders, and walls so high that, he helped me take down piece by piece, brick by brick. I still at times struggled to believe the words he would continue to tell me even after 20 years together and 4 children.

He never faltered, never strayed, never stopped loving me even when I made it impossible to do so.

I opened up after years of fighting with my emotions, my heart and my mental health. I still couldn’t get the belief out of my head that I was dirty. It happened because of me, because I deserved it !! As much as my head told me I didn’t, my heart would tell me otherwise.

This man loved me more after unveiling what my heart was trying to conceal.

I started to believe what he would tell me constantly, he, did’nt just tell me but he showed me.

The more I opened up to him about my childhood abuse, trauma and pain, the more he loved me, well the word more isn’t the right word it’s more like he loved me on a deeper level, again this wasn’t just told or said, he showed me and for the first time in probably my whole life I believed it, him….

“Rachel don't look at your childhood or the horrific experiences you endured at the hands of your grandfather a man who was supposed to love and protect you, as the worst time and pain you’ve ever endured, a time you wish you could forget, erase..Don't let it erase you!! Don't let your pain be for nothing…use it, learn from it, but most of all, grow from it. Let it be your superpower”